Who does your Shopping?

So who does your shopping? After I was finished shopping tonight I looked at my cart and discovered something. I don't shop. The 5 year old that lives inside of me shops. What in the world? I bought cookies, cheeze its, cheetos, lemonade cups, sherbet, 9 things of ice cream, 4 cakes, and 5 microwave meals. Oh, and I bought cheese, bread and a pineapple. Those are adult items to buy, right?

Here are some bonus pictures of a sandwich that I made last week.



Here is half of that sandwich in front of my face.

This has to be a Record

Three weeks in a row. I was told that it was highly unlikely. I mean, what are the chances? 3 weeks in a row one of the kids that I have brought to church has vomited. Every time a different child. Every time a different place. This week it was in the back seat of my car. I'm installing motion sickness bags next week as a preventive measure. 4 weeks in a row? That's impossible, right? In the child's defense he is only 4 years old and he did tell me that he was going to throw up. In my defense, he says that every week just to mess with me and then smiles and laughs.

"Did you eat spaghetti Michale?"
"No, I ate soup?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yea."
"Did it have noodles in it that look like spaghetti?"
"No."

Ok, the boy ate spaghetti. The proof was all over the floor of my car. He should probably focus on chewing up his food better. It kind of looked like Cincinnati style chili. It sure didn't smell like chili though. The blue vomit is still my favorite.

This time the spewing, happened before church so we had to turn around and go back home. We dropped the boy off and the two girls and me continued onward to church. Oh, and then I got pulled over by the cops for a bunch of minor violations, 4 violations to be exact. No ticket though (the record stands pulled over 8 times, 2 tickets). The fact that the two little girls kept saying how much they loved police men couldn't have hurt my case. "Hello Mr. Police man." Strangely I was still on time for the service. As it turns out I accidentally left 30 minutes early because I forgot what time church starts. I only go every week. I'm trying to decide if I'm incredibly unlucky or incredibly lucky. I'm going to say lucky. Yea, lucky.

Do You Speak the English?

Have you ever wondered what it must be like to live in a strange land? How it must feel to speak a foreign language so badly that everyone is constantly asking you to repeat yourself. I know that feeling. I experience it every time I call a large companies customer service line. The computer will pick up the phone and ask me some simple questions. I know the answers.

"Yes."
"I'm sorry I don't understand your answer. Please try again."
"Yeeees."
"I'm sorry I don't understand your answer. Please try again."
"YES!"
"I'm sorry I don't understand your answer. Do you have a speech impediment. Perhaps your mentally retarded. Can you speak the English?"

Ok so the computer doesn't start insulting me or questioning my mental capacity. Even without that though, the whole experience is always quite exasperating. Do I have some sort of strange accent? I always start off saying the word in my normal voice and then I try to carefully pronounce the word the second time and the third time, well I try saying the word in an aggravated tone. That normally doesn't work either. A lot of times I just give up and lay on the pound button until the computer also gives up and transfers me to a live operator, an operator who speaks the English.

I Just Have a Talent for It

Tonight I discovered yet another talent to ad to my already lengthy resume. But first, a little background. I take kids to church, the more the merrier. Tonight there were 7. I should pause here to inform all of you worried moms out there that yes, they were all wearing seat belts. There were 5 kids in the back and two in the front. After church we went to Frishes to use up some more free kids meal coupons. Yep, you guessed it, one of them threw up, just like two weeks ago. This time it was all over the table. I liked the color of the puke two weeks ago better, it was blue. This time it was brown. Chocolate milk vomit, mmmmmmm. So what is my new talent? Drum role please. I have the uncanny ability to make children who appear to be perfectly healthy blow chunks. I just want to take a moment to thank God that all of the other children at that table can keep eating while watching me clean up puke. They have no gag reflexes. It's really quite amazing. Sometimes a situation like that can turn into a puke circus. Needless to say, I didn't eat all my food. I let the kids eat my fries while I cleaned. I hope they disinfected that table after we left.

How to Make Milk Chai

When I was in India I drank a lot of tea. There were days where I drank 5 cups of tea. India was also where I was introduced to milk tea. When I first tried it I didn't even recognize it as being tea. Everyday, the lady at the center for runaway boys would bring me my cup of milk tea. Even when I was at the train station scouting for runaways, one of the shoe shine guys brought me a tiny cup of this delicious beverage. I served it to my family tonight. My sisters loved it, my mom liked it and my Dad said that he liked hot chocolate better. India loves milk tea, and my Dad doesn't hate it. What more proof do you need. Try it and tell me what you think. Here is how I make it.

Your will need:
Masala Chai (I use tea bags, I enjoy Celestial Sweet Coconut Thai Chai)
Sugar
Milk
Water
A small pan
a Mug


1) Pick out a mug.



2) Poor half a mug of water and half a mug of milk into your pan

3) Bring the mixture to a boil

4) Reduce the heat and throw in your tea bag and let that simmer for about 4 minutes

5) Mix in a few spoon fulls of sugar.

6) Pour your tea in your mug, let it cool a bit and drink it

Free Quiznos Sub

Go here, fill in your name, zip code, and email and you will get a coupon for a free sub. I got mine. Hurry before they give away all one million.
http://millionsubs.com/

Happy Free Random Card Day

In celebration of my recent acquisition of a box of random greeting cards I am declaring today "Random Card Day." So, everyone who would like a random card of questionable quality sent to them this is their opportunity. All you need to do is post a comment and send me your address to danthoms at yahoo dot com and you will receive a random card in the mail. Yea, I don't care if I know you or not, you deserve a card. Everyone needs something to hang on their fridge so don't be shy.

How to be an Optimist

Pessimist Says: I almost hit a parked car after church tonight
Optimist Says: I didn't hit a parked car after church tonight

Pessimist Says: One of the kids that I brought to the movie at church threw up afterward
Optimist Says: One of the kids that I brought to the movie threw up while riding in my friends car

Pessimist Says: I didn't get to go to Friches because the poor kid was coated with blue puke.
Optimist Says: I just saved $6.

Pessimist Says: I didn't eat dinner because I had planned on going to Friches.
Optimist Says: I just carried a 3 year old coated with puke and suddenly I'm not as hungry as I was.

The Incorruptibles

When I die I want my organs donated and my body cremated. Some people prefer to be painted up, dressed in a nice suit and buried in a fancy box. That's fine too. But how would you like to be buried for a dozen or so years, dug up, and put in a glittery glass case. If that sounds appealing to you than perhaps you should be an Incorruptible.

The Incorruptibles are a group of around 100 Catholic saints who it is said that supernatural intervention allowed their bodies not to undergo the normal process of decomposition after death. In other words, they were buried, dug up, and their faces hadn't rotted off. Is it just me or is this incredibly creepy. I bought a book called "The Incorruptibles" for a quarter on Monday and I must say, this is some freaky stuff. The earliest known Incorruptible was Saint Cecilia who died in 177, the newest member to the club was Maria Assunta Pallotta who passed in 1905.

I guess I just don't have a good grasp on why these folks bodies are being dug up and and put on display. I can't imagine going to church and staring at an old dead body under the alter for the duration of the service. "Ok, so they didn't rot, that's wonderful, can we put them back in the ground now."

That being said, if I had to pick a favorite I think it would have to be St. Catherine of Bologna who died in 1463. That poor lady has been seated in an upright position for more than 500 years. Then again, I am rather fond of St. Catherine of Sienna too. Of course she is just a head in a fancy box. I read that her head was smuggled over some border somewhere in a paper bag. I guess they couldn't fit the entire body in just one bag. If you have to choose just one body part to smuggle in a paper bag than the head would definitely be the way to go. St. Nicetas the Goth had an incorruptible hand. I'm not sure what happened to his other hand, I guess it was corruptible. If your interest had been peaked and your hoping to wonder on down to your local Catholic church to get a good look at an Incorruptible your probably out of luck. Most of them are in Italy. However, after I die, if they put me in a box in a hole in the ground, come back in a few years and dig me back up. Who knows, you may get lucky.

Bootsy has nice Sunglasses

I stopped at Kroger after church today for some free vitals (sorry, I'm watching the Beverly Hillbillies as I write this). I do enjoy eating tiny cubes of meat from the deli counter. Meat on a stick is the food of the gods (yea, yea, I'm still monotheistic). Imagine my surprise then when I saw that the radio station MOJO was there with the wheel of prizes. I spun the wheel and won a new car. Ok, I didn't win a car but I did win a free t-shirt, a pink t-shirt, a pink woman's t-shirt. Apparently they were all out of men's shirts. The DJ said I could give it to someone or maybe I could wear it. Ok, it's not just pink, its cut like a girls shirt. I may not wear this shirt.

*side note: I listen to MOJO every Sunday morning because they play Gospel with P. Ann Everson-Price. **side side note. I've met P. Ann a few times and she is a very nice lady with an amazing voice. Ok, back to the story.

So any how, Bootsy Collins and Keith Maupin were at a table where they were signing autographs so I of course stopped by to say hi. They were both so friendly, it was almost like we were already friends. They seemed like my kind of people. I walked up to their table and said, "Well look at this, I come to Kroger to eat some free samples and I get to meet you guys and get a free shirt." Bootsy agreed that that did qualify as a good day. I told Bootsy that I liked his glasses and too my surprise he told me that they were in fact prescription. Keith said that Bootsy is pretty much blind and that's why his wife Patti is always with him. Bootsy laughed and denied this fact. I had them sign my shirt and Bootsy wanted to know if I was going to wear it. Keith said I could just tell everyone that there was a red sock in the washer and it used to be white. We all laughed, we all shook hands again and I was on my way. I'm glad I stopped to eat some free meat cubes, that was fun.


Me in my pink shirt...

But I want to Punch them in the face!

Have you ever hated someone? Recently this has been an internal struggle of mine. Normally I love everyone. In fact, of the 6.75 billion people on earth I currently only despise one. Percentage wise that's not so bad. For a while, every time I thought about them I in turn thought about punching them in the face. I of course would never literally punch someone in the face, I'm a pacifist. But still, there was the thought, more figurative than literal. I fast and I pray and the thoughts fade but still to some degree remain. I guess the irony of the situation is the fact that I'm currently working on a teaching for church about love. Romans tells me to bless and not curse. I want them destroyed, and yet God tells me to bless them. My God is a God of love and he calls me to do the same.

How to be Cheap 101

I'm frugal, ok I'm cheap. Whatever you do, do not be as cheap as me. Here is an instruction sheet on how to be cheap and save money. What ever you do, do not follow all of these instructions at the same time. It will ruin your life.

1) Your paying too much for internet, phone, and cable. Call them up. They will reduce your bill 100% of the time. I have never paid full price for my internet.

2) See that stuff that says organic? Ok, now buy the stuff grown with chemicals, it's much cheaper.

3) Eat as much of your parents and friends food as you can. It will save you boat loads of money and they will all just thing that you enjoy their company.

4) Always buy generic drugs. Its the same stuff in a different bottle. Or you could just do what I do and not take medicine. I'm not your doctor though.

5)Never buy any type of cable or adapter for your electronics in a store. Buy it online. 99% of the time it will be significantly cheaper.

6) The dollar store sells pregnancy tests. I've never bought one but that sounds like a good deal.

7) Buy all of your candy a few days after Christmas, Easter, or Halloween. Chocolate is chocolate. Who cares what its shaped like.

8) If you need some nice clothes, borrow them from your brother. If you don't have a brother with nice clothes, sorry.

9) Try not to be in too many weddings.

10) Eat a lot of raman noodles.

Ok, now tell me your advice on how to be cheap.