Sunday, November 29, 2009

Women Seeking Life in Romantic Comedy

Have you ever joined a dating site? I'm a member of Yahoo dating, kind of. They send me emails telling me who they think my perfect match is. I usually delete said emails with the rest of my spam but every once in a while I'll take a quick look. Anything more than a glance cost a subscription fee so a glance is good enough for me. It's kind of interesting seeing how girls describe themselves and how they describe what they are looking for in a man. Some are good, some are well, some are this. Now I don't expect you to read the entire thing but go ahead and skim this description of what this girl is looking for.

"Hmmmmmm.....I am waiting for Mr.Perfect to come along sweep me off my feet, the creme de la creme...because I´m worth it!!! much as I ask, I give. So here´s the gauntlet list! :) Beautiful inside and dashingly handsome on the outside :) someone who takes care of their body, mind and soul. A gentleman. A spiritual person who appreciates nature. Family orientated. Committed. Mentally sound, genuine, without overgrown ego. Completely honest and open, able to apologies, forgive and forget and see the funny side, a go getter, skilled and capable, an arty creative type, totally dependable and reliable... someone who REALLY knows how to and takes pleasure in treating a woman with respect and showering her in love, tenderness, good times and pleasant surprises! A good listener, patient and undemanding. A thoughtful and imaginative romantic, someone who gives lots of their time, support, love and attention, but is secure and mature enough to give me my own time and space too. Responsible, fair, communicative, wise, funny and funloving. Tidy (at least ish!), helpful and responsible. Successful and generous. Energetic, fit, adventurous, sporty, broadminded, intelligent, confident and sociable. A passionate, thoughtful and adventurous lover who equally enjoys cuddles and holding hands. Sensible,(ok, most of the time!)with the ability to see and plan ahead, non judgmental, ethical, non racist. No boozers or druggies please. If you´ve got this far and you´re still smiling and thinking yup, that´s me" I´d like to hear from you!"

I don't know about you but I started feeling inadequate about 7 words into this ad. After 7 lines I knew that I was absolutely unqualified. After reading all 20 lines I figured out what the problem was. I'm not a character from a romantic comedy. Think about it. This was the perfect description of the leading man in any movie that can be described as "heart felt, romantic, and funny." Granted, I'm now eliminated myself from the list of possible suitors by being "judgmental" but hey, at least I'm still not a "boozer."

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Have Two - Will Sell Duplicate

People will sell almost anything when they are hard up for cash. Craigslist is a living testament of that. The other day I was browsing the international crailgslist listings when I made and interesting discover. People were offering for sale some things that are near and dear to them. By near and dear I am of course referring to their kidneys. How hard up for cash to you have to be to offer to sell a body part? Now this practice is of course illegal. It does not however prevent people from trying. I came across 3 ads that were ongoing and at least 3 or 4 more that had been shut down.

- i am a 24 year old male, clean lifestyle, in need of money, 80k plus you pay for all med bills.

- Desperately seeking money. Will sell kidney to anyone in need. Help me by helping you.

- Kidney for sale. 50,000

So, next time you think that your having financial problems think about these folks..


Thursday, November 19, 2009


Last night I was totally pwnd by the 5th and 6th grade Thrive class. Never in my life have I had a group of kids destroy me like that. Granted, they weren't all bad the entire time. Some of the kids were even good the entire time. The problem is there were 10 of them and 2 or 3 of them were not only bad they were influential. There's one thing that I'm 100% certain about, that will never happen again. Mothers will be called and kids will be asked not to come back the next week if they ever act like that again. Up to this week the kids had been relativity well.

On the positive side I don't think they will ever forget my visual aid for when we talked about the helmet of salvation. Think military Kevlar helmet and a large knife. And if that sounds dangerous to you, your wrong. It's not. It just looks dangerous which is the whole point of wearing a helmet. Next time we are going to talk about the breastplate of righteousness. I'm bringing a military flak jacket. But don't worry, even if I get the urge, I will not be shooting any of the children. Next time they will be well behaved, I'm sure of it.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

A guide on How to Deal with the Paparazzi

Now mind you I have never at any point in my life been famous. No one makes a living taking pictures of me in awkward situations. If I want people to see me in awkward or embarrassing situations I have to take the pictures myself and then post them on facebook. Even though I ma in no way qualified to do so, I have written the following guide on how to deal with the Paparazzi.

1) Make them homemade cookies. Put laxatives in the homemade cookies

2) Everyone has a mom. Get the name and phone numbers of the paparazzi's moms and then call their mothers and complain about how their sons are bothering you.

3) Drive a 1986 Honda. When the paparazzi recognizes you say your flattered but your someone else and hit them up for gas money.

4) Hire someone to follow them around taking pictures.

5)Invite the paparazzi over to take pictures of your new baby. When they get there insist that they agreed to babysit, give them $10 for pizza and go see a movie.

6) Give them photography advice and insist that they are doing it all wrong.

7) Travel with a fat guy who walks backwards in front of you mooning the paparazzi.

8) Answer all of their questions using the Socratic method.

9) Where a hijab.

10) Only travel with people who are much more famous and interesting than you.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Devils Advocate

I was recently accused of playing the devils advocate so in honor of that accusation I wrote this blog.

Devil's Advocate: Someone who takes a position he or she does not agree with for the sake of argument. This process can be used to test the quality of the original argument and identify weaknesses in its structure.

The Devils Advocate was the common name for the position of Promoter of the Faith (a canon lawyer) in the Catholic church. It was the Devils Advocates job to argue against the canonization of a candidate. The Devils Advocate (Promoter of the Faith) would argue against God's Advocate (Promoter of the Cause) in the decision of rather or not the title of sainthood should be bestowed upon a candidate.

The Devils Advocate, although not always well liked, did play an important role in the Catholic chuch. Being called a Devils Advocate reminded me of a time when Iplayed the part of Devils Advocate in a very literal way. This happened years ago in the Sr. High Sunday School class that I substitute taught. The teacher had the idea of putting the divinity of Christ on trial. There would be two lawyers, witnesses and the teenagers would be the jury. I played the part of the devil. I tricked the witnesses into quoting scripture out of context, confusing prophecy, and twisting the truth. And, in the end, the unexpected happened, the devil won. At first that may sound like a Sunday School fail. After all, this was Sunday School and God is always supposed to win, right. The students went home confused, questioning their faith. A lot of them had never read the scriptures for themselves and just relied on what they were told. Jesus is God because the pastor said so or because their parents said so. But now, what was true? This forced them to wrestle with and take ownership of their own faith. They went home and they read the scriptures for themselves and in the end saw past my tricks. In the end I lost and God won.