Sunday, November 11, 2012

My Relationship with Stress

During the week my blood pressure was in the range of pre-hypertension. On the weekends it was normal. I got stress warts on my hand that only went away after taking a full weeks vacation. My job used to cause me a tremendous amount of stress. It wasn't worth it so I quit.

And so, for the past few years, my life has been relatively stress free. My job, money, working at church, my messy house, none of these things stress me out. Sure there are problems but I just deal with them because I am in control. I make the calls. I think that's why there is still one thing with the ability to control my level of anxiety. When I know that people that I love dearly are making poor or dangerous choices it stresses me out. Try as I may, I'm totally out of control. I can't make other peoples choices for them. My chest tightens and contracts, my jaw clenches, my head becomes cloudy, I have a hard time sleeping at night, but worst of all, I loose my appetite. The thought of food becomes distasteful and I  loose weight. Two days of stress and I loose 4 pounds. It's a strange feeling. Under normal circumstances the thought of going a full day, or even two, without eating would be horrifying. But when I'm dealing with a high level of stress even though thought of steak and shrimp is unappealing. 

And so, I question myself. If it's out of my control why do I let it affect me in this way? What does my worrying accomplish?  Aren't I just hurting myself?  If God is in control am I showing a lack of faith? Why can't I fix this? I just want to fix it. I've found that I can fix most of my problems in life by just working harder. But it doesn't work that way with people and it's frustrating. I was hoping that by the time I finished writing this I would have an inspirational ending, some closure, a solution but in the end I have nothing. In the end I'm just 6lbs lighter knowing that I really need to eat more.

No comments: