Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Is it Genetic

I don't know much about genetic coding. I know there are recessive and um some other sort of genes. Yea, I have no idea what I'm talking about here. High school was a long time ago. What I do know though is that I just saw a picture of my uncle, Sensi Thoms or Steve for short, and his taste in hair is very similar to mine. (my uncle can beat up your uncle) Look at that full beard and long hair. Could it be that I have no choice but to grow my hair out. Perhaps my DNA is the cause. I don't will to do it, I am encoded for long hair and a beard. Oh and look at this picture of him throwing someone on their head. How cool is that?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Table 8 Vs. Table 19

The table numbers in the following story may have been changed to protect the innocent. Or they may not have. I don't have a good memory for random numbers.

It was an evening like any other. The party hall was dimly lit and full of well dressed guests. The smells of free food wafted throughout, a tempting yet allusive mistress. This was a wedding a reception. Jeremy and Nicole's to be exact. But I regress, lets get back to the food. The order in which the guest would eat was left to fate, a random lottery of table numbers to be drawn from the proverbial hat. I prayed that our table would be first. "Dear Lord please, I'm hungry" I pleaded. Table 8 however had another strategy, they rubbed their table number for good luck. We compared strategies and came to the conclusion that prayer trumped luck. Apparently knowing the bartender who is drawing the numbers trumps both prayer and luck.

"Guess what, they're calling number 8 next!" Melanie gloated. And it was as she had prophesied. In unison table 8 stood up, arms raised in victory. This wasn't right. They weren't Beyond Blessed, they were cheaters. In an act of revenge, Steve decided to steal Melanie's chair. Jon, her husband realized the theft and recovered the stolen property. Humph, as I walked to the bar to get a refill on the chips Jon called to me, offering what appeared to be a single carrot. I refused but on my way back to my table I gingerly picked a roll up from Melanie's plate, took a bite, and then returned it.

Fortunately for table 19 our number soon came up and we were off to collect our reward. As I returned to my table, plates in hand, table 8 called to me. "Hey Dan," Steve number two, said with the lips of a serpent. As I turned my head to acknowledge him, Melanie stole the roll right off of my plate, took a bite, and then kept it. I of course had to return to the line for a new roll. I will not be roll less.

"Excuse me, could you give me a roll?" I asked a fellow wedding attendee. He obliged but I was later told that he may have called me a derelict. I commend him for not going the easy rout of calling me a bum. (In an effort to show him that I do indeed have money I have hired a hitman to break his kneecaps). Steve's roll befell a similar fate. Chris, another member of our table had both of his plates stolen by Jon. In the end though, my stomach was full and that's what matters.

Friday, December 26, 2008

1,2,3,4,5,6,7...THE ZOO

1,2,3,4,5,6,7...1,2,3,4,5,6,7...1,2,3,4,5,6,7... Today I went to the zoo, Festival of Lights. It was my sister Faith, 2 cars, 7 kiddos and me. (Thank you eBay for those $3 tickets) If you've ever gone anywhere with any number of kids than you understand where the counting comes in. Constant counting, ok, am I missing anyone, everyone grab someones hand, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7. The age breakdown was went something like 12, 12, 9, 7, 6, 5, 4 so adult supervision was needed, constantly. Four year olds can run, wiggle and pretty much get under any railing system. We saw the elephants (Jade said she would cry if there were no elephants because they are her favorite animal), the giraffes, snakes, alligators, birds, and well, you get the idea. The Cincinnati zoo is one of the largest in the country so there are a lot of animals. Most of them just lay around waiting for everyone to go home. Oh, we also saw Linda's favorite animal, kind of. We went to McDonalds afterwords and got hamburgers. Yea, her favorite animal is the cow. There didn't seem to be as many lights this year. I heard it was because they were trying to be more green. Stupid green. And let me just say, that was a lot of walking. I think I wore them out. I know they wore me out. If there wasn't enough walking inside the zoo, well, we went out the wrong exit. We walked at least 5 city blocks back to the car. Oh, and I did that mini marathon with a kid on my back. I'm like some sort of Iron man, grrrrrr. Yea, it was fun. The End.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Christmas Gun

"You almost @#$%^!& ran over me and my kids. What the #%$@ is wrong with you!"
"Shut the @$#% up!"
"You can $%&^%*@ *%^& my *&^%"
"I swear, I will get a ^$*%@$! gun out of my car and shoot you!"

That's right folks, I went to Walmart last night and Christmas was in he air. People had smiles on their faces, kind of. The smiles were all upside down. Folks would great each other with Christmas cheer, I think. They were all muttering something under their breath that I couldn't quite make out. Ok, so everyone wasn't happy. That would soon change though.

Everyone likes free and that's what the Vineyard Westsided was bringing the people of the Westside Walmart. Free gift wrap and free hot chocolate. My job was simple. I stood out in front of the Walmart exit door to direct people towards the giant, quasi heated tent that we had been set up outside the far corner of the store. Inside were volunteers providing their gift wrapping skills, hot chocolate and lots of love. And yes, it was all free.

A lot of people were in a state of disbelief upon hearing of this phenomenon, free. "Are you playing a joke on me" one guy asked. "No joke," I said. "No, I think this is some sort of joke," he replied, certain that we were out to get him on some sort of cheap version of punked. Many were skeptical. They quizzed me as to why or who we were. They were looking for the catch. "They're going to ask for a donation once you get in there," the Salvation Army bell wringer quipped. "Nope, no donations accepted," I would repeat over and over again. The bell wringer soon became a witness to this fact after walking over there himself for a steaming cup of coco. "No donation huh, that is unusual," he replied. In the end I was told that we had given away over 450 cups of coco and wrapped more presents than could be counted. 7,500sq feet of wrapping paper was one persons guess. It was fun and no one got shot. Jesus loves the westside.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Questions no one asked

Questions that no one asked. Yep, this is in response to good ol' Rev. Detzels blog.

Question: So when are you going to get a hair cut?

I just got my haircut 6 months ago. Sheeesh, I'm not rich. You know how much money I've saved only getting it cut every 7 years? Seriously do you know? I'm not that great at math.

Question: What is the dumbest thing that you've ever done?

Well thats a hard one. I've done so many senseless things. I would have to say that eating an entire watermelon in an hour has to be up there. That was pretty dumb. I once pulled a car with my hair. It's hard to top that kind of stupidity.

Question: You act like you were home schooled? Where you home schooled?

Yea I was, what are you trying to say?

Question: Are you a Mac or a PC guy?

I can use either just fine. I use 2 PCs and a Mac at work and at home I have a PC. I'm more of a PC guy though. The biggest reason for this is the price difference. Its also much easier to find freeware for a pc.

Question: How are you not married yet? Your so charming?

God only knows.

Question: Whats the most expensive thing that you've ever sold on eBay?

I once sold a concertina for around $2,200. The most expensive toy was $1,000 and the most exspensive book thus far was nearly $700. I currently have a book listed for $2,150 so hopefully I will break my previous record.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Scammer Letters

This isn't an interesting blog at all. I'm just going to keep posting scam letters that I get. That way when people google it they will know right away that it is a scam. I'll post a real blog later.

Hello Dear
How are you doing?Impressing is what i describe your captivating profile as a near perfect description of what i desire in a man and any woman would seek for
in a man.But all that don't matter as all real love relationships begin on a basic foundation of friendship..My Name is Dammy.I would like you to write to me
and tell me all about urself as i would do too if u so wish..well i am a mixed, african and mexican Born and Raised in the states.I lost my dad when i was 10 years old. My Mom later moved back to Africa where she is rigth now. stay in Florida in Miami off down town but currently out of the states,currently in africa visiting my sick mum{hope you are not discouraged}but i will be back in the states as soon as she get better."dammy_jones04@yahoo.com"or my Gmail....dammynice@gmail.com.... email address you can mail me through.And you can also Chat with me on"dammy_jones04" so Email me.Thanks for being
patient enough to read.I Will be expecting ur responce and i will also send you pictures of me too.Hope to talk to you soon!!!

Love Dammy...

Dear Friend,
With a very desperate need for assistance, I have summed up courage to contact you. I am from(will disclose this later), presently working in Iraq with an international organization that I will also disclose later, I found your contact particulars in an address journal.I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the sum of(US$18.523 Million Dollars) Eighteen Million, five Hundred And Twenty Three Thousand US Dollars to your country or any other safe country of your choice, as far as I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service here,this is no stolen money,and there are no dangers involved.
Some money in various currencies was discovered concealed in barrels with piles of weapons and ammunitions at a location near one of Saddam,sold palaces during a rescue operation, and it was agreed by all party present that the money be shared amongst us, this was quite an illegal thing to do, but I tell you what? no compensation can make up for the risks we have taken with our lives in this hell hole The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a German contact working here, and his office enjoys some immunity, I was able to get the package out to a safe cation entirely out of trouble spot. He does not know the real contents of the package,and believes that it belongs to an Asian/American who died in an air raid, and before giving up, trusted me to hand over the package to his business associate. I have now found a secured way of getting the package out to a safer country for you to pick up, and!
will discuss this with you .
Your full name:
Your country:
Contact phone number:
I await your urgent reply
Ali Ibrahim
20 Armoured Brigade in Basra

Good day,
Please note that response to this email should only be sent to:jwhite10103@yahoo.co.uk

I am James White, a paint artist based in U.K.
Your email address was requested from the British Chamber of Commerce
so I decided to contact you regarding an open job position.

Since 1994, we have been doing business as a uk midlands based gallery,
we sell and auction paintings and other art works.
In the recent years, customers have referred us to other potential
clients as well, this resulted in recent increased demand for our artworks and
supplies,We have been receiving orders from North America, Europe And Australia.
These are areas the gallery classified as outside our gallery's reach

For this reason we decided to employ a representative who can take care
of payment from such out-of reach sales on our behalf.

After agreeing on price and shipping, customers want to pay with
American Money Orders or Credit Card, which is hard for us to process here in
theU.K, therefore I decided to search for a reliable, trustworthy and honest
candidate in the United States, who will help us receive and cash the
Money Orders at a substantial percentage after which the fund will be
sent to me here in UK or any of our regional offices via transfer.

If you are interested, kindly reply to this job offer, this position
will not affect your present work, the simple tasks can easily be performed
at your convenience.What I need from you is utmost honesty, trust, steady communication
and access to the internet.

Work hours is a part time (2-5hrs a week).
Your salary is $1400.00 Monthly.
On every payment you process on our behalf, you get to earn an absolute
10% commission.

In agreement, Kindly send me the details below so i can provide more
information, from which you will start receiving payments earnestly.

#Your full name:
#Your full home address,
#Direct contact telephone number
#Your age,
#Previous working Experience,
#Marital status,

Reply me as soon as possible only if you are interested, i will
verification and approval so your information will be in the gallery's
database for payment coordination in the USA.

Madison Soil Arts Gallery
N1 3PD London, United Kingdom
Phone: +447024070933
Contact Person: James White
Phone Number: +447031895334
Website:Under Maintenance

Please note We will never ask you for anything more than that, no bank
names, no bank account number, routing number, credit card, passwords,
ssn# etc. If anyone asks for those on our behalf please do not give out this
info. This is to ensure your security and non involvement in cases of
Identity Theft.


Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with
you. I am Miryam, the only daughter of late Amdel Kone. My father was
a wealthy cocoa merchant based in Abidjan, the economic capital
of Ivory coast before he was poisoned to death by his business associates on
one of their outing to discuss on a business. When my mother died on the 21st
October 1988, my father took me so special because of the death of my mother and
as his only daughter

Before the death of my father on 29th June 2006 in a private hospital
here in Abidjan. He secretly called me on his bedside and told me that
he has a sum of $12.3M USD in a security house here in Abidjan. He used my
as next of kin and not the beneficiary due to our political status and
the nature of deposit i can not serve as the beneficiary, the
beneficiary must be my father's business partner abroad or a family
friend appointed by me.

He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was
poisoned by his business associates. That i should seek for a foreign
partner in a country of my choice where i will transfer this money and
use it for investment purpose, (such as real estate management). I am honorably
seeking for your assistance in the following ways.

1) To serve as the guardian of this fund and to run the investments to be
2) Can you honestly take me as your family member?
3) Can I confidently put my trust in you?
4) What percentage of the total amount of money will be good for you after the
money is in your country?
5) Can you make arrangements for me to come over to your country after the
money has been transferred?

Moreover, I am willing to offer you 20% of the total sum as
Compensation for your effort/input after the successful transfer of
this fund to your country . Please indicate your
interest towards assisting me as I believe that this transaction would
be concluded without any risk on your part. . Waiting to hear from you soon..



60 Great Ormond Street,
London, WC1N 3HR
The United Kingdom.
Dear e-mail address owner,
We happily announce to you the draw (#2197) of the BARCLAYS PREMIERSHIP ONLINE SWEEP-STAKES PROGRAMME, held to mark
the new year Bonus. FOR QUICK CONFIRMATION PLEASE CALL OUR VOICE PROMPT @ (00 44 702 304 7750)

Your e-mail address was attached to ticket #: 986568593/506 and pin #7012, which subsequently won you the mega
sweep-takes. You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of 1,000,000 GBP (One Million Great British
Pounds Sterlings) in cash credited to file BFA/894957504/92/SWCUP. please contact our claims agent, via the below
contact provided:
Overseas Claims Unit
(United Kingdom)
Mr. James E. Philips.
Email: barclayspremierleagueaward@gmail.com
Tel: +44 702 304 7750
Fax: (+44) 700 6044 246

You are also advised to provide him with the under listed information as soon as possible:

SEX (M/F):

Happy new year from members and staff of the BARCLAYS PREMIERSHIP ONLINE

Yours Sincerely,
Online Co-ordinator.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Top 10 Wii Games that were NEVER Produced

10)Wii Amish Crossing - This game was created to be similar to Animal Crossing the main difference being there is no where to go and nothing to do.
9)Rachael Ray 30 Minute Meals - This concept had two main downfalls. a. You cooked for 30 minutes and had nothing to show for it and b. it was Rachael Ray.
8)Mario Factory - Live the life of a Chinese assembly line worker. Just remember, if you get caught using led in the toys you lose points.
7)Grand Theft Embezzlement - This was hailed to be the white collar version of its popular sister game, Grand Theft Auto. The main difference being you sit at a desk all day doctoring numbers and there are no pimps or hoes.
6)Wii Cult - Have you ever wanted to start your own religion? Well here's your chance without the lingering threat of eternal damnation. Start off as a science fiction writer and work your way up to Hollywood cult leader.
5)Wii Fit Synchronized Swimming - Unfortunately early marketing surveys showed that most peoples living rooms were not large enough to accommodate 6 grown men laying on there backs flailing there arms and legs in the air.
4)Wii Thumb Wrestling - 1, 2, 3, 4, I declare thumb war.
3)Extreme Pong - As it turns out you just can't improve pong.
2)Wii Fit Olympic Speedwalking - No, no, you loose that was running, your only allowed to walk really really fast.
1)Wii Interpretative Dancing - You can't win and there are no points, you just have to feel it.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Lucid Dreaming

"A lucid dream is a dream in which the person is aware that they are dreaming while the dream is in progress, also known as a conscious dream. When the dreamer is lucid, they can actively participate in and often manipulate the imaginary experiences in the dream environment. Lucid dreams can be extremely real and vivid depending on a person's level of self-awareness during the lucid dream." - wikipedia

Its been quite a few years since I first heard of lucid dreaming. I immediately was fascinated with this idea. I could control my dreams. But how? How do you become aware that you are dreaming? I hadn't read anything on the matter but decided to give it a try. I was going to take control of my dream. Eventually I was successful. How did I do it? How did I become aware that I was indeed experiencing a dream? Logic. In real life I'm a very logical person and somehow, sometimes, I am able to transfer that same logic into the dream world. If you have ever had the though, "Am I dreaming?" then you probably were. If I'm awake, I am 100% sure that I'm awake. If that thought occurs to me, or I realize that things make absolutely no sense, then I know that I must be in a dream. There is a fine line between consciousness and dreaming. I have had the tendency to accidentally wake myself up while experiencing a conscious dream. I can remember the dream version of myself trying to concentrate on keeping the real me asleep so that my adventures could continue. Its still very rare that I am able to lucid dream, but every once in a while I join Nemo in slumberland. Have any of you ever tried taking control of your dreams?

Monday, December 15, 2008

You've got Questions, I've Got Answers

So on Friday night the Vineyard Westside held its first family movie night, complete popcorn (I thank God that I wasn't the one who had to clean up the popcorn, my row got some of it in their mouth but not all of it.) The movie was Wally and I had 5 kids with me, the oldest being 12 and the youngest 4. I think the ages were something like 4,6,7,8,12. My movie experience went a little something like this.

"Where's Wally?"
"I don't know?"
"Is Wally in that water?"
"Is Wally in that building?"
"I don't know where Wally is. I've never seen this movie."
"Is that Wally?"
"Yes, that's Wally. We need to be quiet now."
"Whats Wally doing?"
"Um, I'm not sure, shhhhh."
"Is Wally a boy robot?"
"Yes he is, no more questions."
"Is this my water?"
"Whats your favorite color?"
"Shhhhhh, I'll tell you after the movie."
"Whats your favorite color?"
"I'm not telling you."
"Is that a girl robot?"
"Yes...... lets go our in the hallway."

For the rest of the movie we ran around in the hallways. I know the answers to a lot of questions. One that I do not have the answer for though is how the movie Wally ended.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

A New Christmas Blog

While I was in India I had the pleasure of getting to know an older, gray headed Englishman by the name of Keith. Keith and I shared a 10x10 room , went to work together on the worlds most crowded bus, and lived life together for those two weeks. Needless to say we had many fun and enlightening conversations. Keith is a devout atheist while I am a devout follower of Christ. This no doubt led to some interesting conversations. I can remember walking down the street one day when Keith looked at me and said,"You know, I used to believe in Santa Clause."

I chuckled, "I know where your going with this," I said. "I've made this same argument, for different reasons of course but still, the same argument."

"I used to believe in Santa Clause but then I grew up and found out that he wasn't real. You know I used to believe in God? But then I wised up. God and Santa, both imaginary, things people make up to make themselves feel good. They may be fun but they aren't real."

Keith was a logical person, an intelligent person, well read, a world traveler, and this was logic. Keith wasn't the first person that I've come to know who as a child or as an adult came to these same conclusions. After all, they are logical. My mother is one of those people who for a period of time doubted the existence of God for these same reasons.

At what point did tradition trump morality? When did it become acceptable to lie for the sake of fun? Right and wrong isn't determined by the out come of a situation, family tradition, how fun it is, or what everyone else is doing. I'll leave you with a few more stories that I was told last year.

"It was a let down. I was in second grade and had suspected there was a cover up for a while. The creepy thing was, I told my mother I knew there was no Santa and she got this peeved look in her eye and said, "Children who don't believe in Santa don't get Christmas gifts". I was stunned. So, I said, "I guess I believe then". With that bit of creepiness, I went on to pretend to believe in Santa for years. Strangest part is that she responded similarly when I stopped being Christian."

"I can't remember how old I was (probably around 8). I remember I was obsessing about getting my Christmas list done so I could give it to Santa. I was trying to find good paper for it and I was probably annoying my parents to no end. I remember getting a slip of wrapping paper and announcing that I was about to write my list.

That's when my dad told me to come to him. He said that they made up Santa Clause and that he wasn't real. I was devastated. I really did believe in him with all my little heart. It felt like the magic of Christmas shattered before my very eyes. He said that all parents tell their kids the same story. I asked why they would do such a mean thing- to make them believe in something and then tell them it isn't true. He said that it was so parents could give gifts to their children without taking the credit for giving them. I understood that side of the arguement, but I was angry and heartbroken that parents would put their children through that. I asked him why he told me and he said it was because I was old enough to know.

After that, I didn't want to write my list. He told me to do it, though, and so like a good little girl I obeyed. However, the list seemed to be significantly less important to me that year.

It never occurred to me to question the existence of God right then and there, but I did wonder about it later. I mean, if they lied to me about one man doing miraculous things, why wouldn't a supernatural, all-seeing, all-knowing being be a lie as well?

I know it seems nothing, but I really did believe in Santa with every fiber of my being, and that experience was absolutely unforgettable. Since then, I have vowed never to tell my children about him- or at least I would say that it's just a story from the very beginning. Strangely enough, I haven't changed my mind all these years. "

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

My Disabilty

They say real men don't cry. Who are these "they"? "They" are jerks. I don't cry. It's a defective tear gland. I have overly moist eyes. Why just today they become overly moist when listening to a news story about the terrorism in India. And tonight while watching millionaires give people checks for $100,000 my eyes experienced an excess amount of water. I may have to see a doctor to figure out why my eyes are secreting salt water. My disorder seems to be triggered by any number of things. Sometimes its a news story, a reality show, a commercial, a book, and the list goes on. WemMD.com has proven to be useless in the analysis of my unmanly disability. Oh why me? Why must I suffer like this?

Monday, December 1, 2008

Make My Sign Boring

I design signs (for money not pleasure). Advertising is important and generally speaking, people want the most bang for their buck. They want signs that are attention grabbing.Signs that pull you in. Its all about the color themes, fonts, and graphics. Its a rare occasion that a customer should ask us to make their sign purposely boring. Strangely enough though, that did recently happen. "We want it red and black with as simple a font as you have with no pictures or graphics." In other words, make my sign boring. Yikes, what do you think they were trying to sell with an incredibly boring sign like this? Well, it was a banner for the churches special Christmas services. Have you ever been to a church where you thought that perhaps they were putting extra effort into making their services as boring as humanly possible? Tell the truth, have you ever fallen asleep at church? What was the most boring church experience of your life?