Friday, March 28, 2008

Pirates and Vikings (History twisted, tweaked and revamped)

Everyone likes Vikings. After all, they do have an NFL football team named after them. They are funny too. There is Hagar the Horrible in the funny pages and those Vikings in the commercials are hilarious. And what about Pirates? They have a MLBA baseball team bearing their name. There is "talk like a pirate day," kids movies about pirates, action figures and cartoons. Pirates are funny, right.

If memory serves me correct, Vikings were Norse warriors who were known for pillaging villages. Although pillaging sounds funny, I’m pretty sure that its not so funny if you were the one being pillaged. And what about pirates. Weren’t pirates thief’s and murders. To be a pirate was to be a brutal, ruthless thief.

Isn’t it funny how history can be twisted, tweaked and revamped until it bears no resemblance to reality? I wonder at what point Nazi guards and American slave owners will become humorous. Kids will dress as Nazis to trick or treat and movies will be made about the hilarity of being someones master. Yea, not too funny I know. In my mind there can be nothing funny about either Nazis or slave owners. Vikings and Pirates are still funny though, right?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

What if Dr. Seuss wrote the Bible

I edited a sketch from Kids in the Hall to make a decent poem.

What if Dr. Seuss wrote the Bible?

One day God said

This is what I will do

I’ll send down my son

I’ll send him to you

To clear up this humpity Bumpity huabaloo

He will be the Christ

and miracles he do

and his pals will all call

Him the King of the Jews

He didn’t come in a plane

He didn’t come in a jeep

He didn’t come in the pouch

Of a high jumping vo veep

He came born of Mary

That was his mom

And she named him Jesus

Not Frugal, Frank or Tom

Christ spoke from a mound

Which is a pile of ground

And people gathered around

Without making a sound

And thus he spake

Sin in hearts

Hearts full of sin

How do we quiet this Jerobidy din

Do unto others asYou want them to do to you

That includes you

Young Timothy Foo

One Pharisee said to another he knew

What do we do with this uppity Jew

We can beat him with a whip

And do everything mean

And put him on top of Sam ZittleCrucifixion Machine

Twirl the gawhril

And release the gavlease

And in go the nails

As fast as you please

And he said

As he bled

Forgive them Father

For they know not what they do

They were all bound for Hell

This he knew

There was sin in their hearts

How about you?

Sunday, March 9, 2008

God Loves Snowmen

My fingers are numb. I just got done making a snow man. At around 11pm I realized that this was my last chance to make one before the snow melted. I should have worn gloves. My fingers burn, some of the tips are numb and they all tingle. The snow man isn't pretty, he looks like the cookie monster, but he is done. I built my snow man.

Can God use a snow man? As I was building this monstrosity a young guy with long hair ran out of gas, right there in front of my house. What are the chances of him running out of gas at that exact point, in front of my house? Not only that but what are the chances that I would be outside, in my front yard, at 11pm at night. I'm never outside in my yard at that time. Who builds a snowman at night?

Anyhow, we pushed his car to the side of the street and I gave him a ride to the gas station. He offered me some, um, illegal substances, to which I politely refused. He also offered to stop by and drink a beer with me. I said that I don't drink but told him he could stop by sometime if he liked. Is this all just a coincidence? I doubt it.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008


Some times I think that I may suffer from a slight case of isolaphobia. A phobia, me? But I've always considered myself to be quite fearless. Spiders, dark alleys, and death, they don't phase me. I've jumped out of a plane at two miles high and have braved the rapids in the Colorado rockies. Most people are afraid of loosing their job and public speaking, not me. I'm fine with loosing my job and as for public speaking, not a problem. There is one thing though, one thing that causes me anxiety, being alone, isolaphobia.

When I first moved out of my parents house 4 years ago it was bad. I was so used to living with 6 other people that the prospect of silence was overwhelming. I can remember sitting in my apartment wishing that there was someone to tell about my day. I've gotten over that to some degree but it still bothers me on occasion. Seeing that I'm an introvert this seems kind of contradictory in my mind. Why do I have such intense hunger for human interaction? Last night, after being home for only a hour and a half I found myself on my way to my parents house to talk and watch a movie. It was good, it was fun but why did I need that? I didn't even eat dinner that night because my hunger for people was greater than my hunger for food. Perhaps if I hadn't grown up with so many people I wouldn't have grown so accustomed to this heightened level of interaction. I've currently managed to schedule myself so that I am with other people 5-6 days a week. I didn't schedule all of those activities with that intent purpose but I can't help but to think that somehow, someway, my subconscious did. What is the solution to this quandary? Do I need to just get over it? Do I need to except the fact that I may forever live alone in this solitude? I'm not sure what the answer is but as Winnie the Pooh would say, "Oh bother."

Monday, March 3, 2008

Why Wait?

Waiting for that phone call, that message, that email, that one thing that may never happen
Waiting, waiting, waiting.

When I left my last church and was banned from participating in any of their ministries I all but lost contact with my kids. It was painful and I felt a bit helpless about the situation. Granted, they weren't really my kids. They claim that I am their uncle, and I let them, even though I'm pretty confident that we are not related. Why though did I allow the church to cut me off from them? They don't hold a monopoly on kids. After all, I'm highly respected as a children's minister in their neighborhood and I know their mom.

Yesterday I went to their house and took them to the park. We had gone to the park once before but this time there were even more kids. I had 6 kids of them packed into my little Celica, all in seat belts mind you. The oldest was 12 and the youngest around 3 or 4. I don't think he could remember my name and kept calling me daddy. Daddy, watch me do this, daddy watch me do that.

Our first stop was Delhi park where we played freeze tag and I pushed the little ones on the swings. I played freeze tag like a mad man and ended up with a scraped elbow. 4 of my kids played plus 3 or 4 kids from the park. Just so you know, it is impossible to freeze that many kids at once (plus the boy in the blue shirt was a cheater). I let the 12 year old in the passenger seat steer my car from where she was sitting while in the parking lot. Is that irresponsible? After Delhi park we went to McDonald's (every kid loves McDonalds) and then off to another park. The kids all claimed that the park was just a little bit farther down River Road and of course the classic line was, "we're almost there." 10 miles later we finally made it. Out concepts of close may be a bit different. It was a nice park though, right along the river. It had rubber floors, a rocking boat, giant slides, bridges and lots of things to climb. After over 3 hours of playing at the park I was tired and dropped everyone off. It was starting to get dark anyways. Ministry is not confined to the four corners of the church or even to official organizations with their own letterheads. Ministry is how you live. Why wait?