Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Dead Introvert

Sometimes the introvert in me dies. The following is a conversation from a party that my parents had Sunday where I didn't know most of the people. This takes place while getting a plate of food.

Stranger Man: Pardon me
The Dan: I shall pardon you
Stranger Man: Thanks
The Dan: Your welcome. I would hate for you to have to live with that on your conscious.
Stranger Man: Your a very perceptive young man
The Dan: Thanks
Stranger Man: You know who you look like?
The Dan: Who's that?
Stranger Man: Jesus

And that is how I met the pastor of my parents church, the Vineyard North West.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Big and Small

Who remembers that song that everyone used to sing in kids church, Deep and Wide.? Deep and wide, deep and wide.... Well this story is about Big and Small. There was a motorcycle in front of me on my way home today. The lady on the back was, let us say, not small. Her g-string on the other hand was. It was like she was wearing a black shoelace between her cheeks. I was being mooned for 2 miles. I was laughing on the outside but crying on the inside. It was so sick. Why? Why would anyone do that?

The Cookie Story

Over the years my family and I have experienced many humorous meals. You see, we were one of those strange family's who ate dinner together. There were no TVs or video games, just us, the table, and the food. If you've ever eaten with the 7 of us than you are familiar with the fact that we find ourselves to be quite funny. And now, the cookie story.

My mom, at times, can be a bit unaware. She will zone out or get so consumed in what she is doing that she will not pay attention to the small details of life , like for instance, how much of her cookies she has eaten. Faith, my sister, thought that it would be funny to take a bite out of my moms cookie when she walked away from the table, just to see if she noticed. She didn't. So, of course, Phil joined in on the action, another bite, and than another. My dad just nodded his head, "You guys are wrong." This was a fun game, why not take it to the next level, lets make her cookie grow back. Why not replace her half eaten cookie with a new more complete one. Will she notice? Nope. After about 6 bites and 3 separate cookies the truth was revealed. They told my mom what had been happening and she died laughing, turning red in embarasment. THE END

Friday, April 18, 2008

The Cincinnati Earthquake

So who felt the earthquake this morning? It happened at 5:57 (5:58 according to my clock). I was asleep but awoke with a start, scared and confused. You see, I've been leveling my house with large, heavy, adjustable posts in the basement, something that they recommend you have done by professionals. My first thought was that my do-it-yourself project had going horrible wrong and my house was falling in on itself. I ran straight down the the basement to check. Seeing that my post was still in place, I was just left confused. That sure felt like an earthquake but this is Cincinnati. We haven't had an earthquake in 20 years. Eventually though, after the fear of my house falling in on itself gradually died, I went back to sleep. Did you feel the earthquake?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

The Rules Have Gone Out the Window

Everyone was done eating so I grabbed for the last piece of cheesy garlic bread. My Dad, seeing what had just occurred cried foul. "Hey, I was going to eat half of that, thats why I just go this knife," he said brandishing a blade much to large for such a small piece of bread. "Fine", I said holding out the bread out, both hands clenching the sides, "cut it in half."My dad, lifted the knife in a rather dramatic fashion and quickly slammed it down on the bread in an unsuccessful attempt to Samari it in half. I lost my grip and the bread went crashing the the floor. He picked it up, tore it in half, and we ate it. My mom, seeing the events of the evening asked my Father this question, "Since all the kids have grown up have all the rules gone out the window?"

My theory is that the rules have been slowly sneaking out the window. When I was little, there were a lot of rules, when Phil was little there were a lot of rules, when Faith was little there were a fair amount of rules, when Grace was little there were some rules, when Hope was little, there were a lot of ideas but I'm not sure if they were rules or not. My parents are currently down to 2 out of 5 kids. I think they feel some sort of freedom in that. Hopefully when the last one moves out they won't go and join the circus or something just because they can.

Monday, April 14, 2008

I Look Like Who?

Ok, since I got my new hair cut I have got a lot of comments about who I now look like. My friends who told me that I look like these people deserve to be sucker punched. I enen had an old lady, who I didn't know, ask me to say something funny at Biggs. She aparently thought that I looked a lot like David Spade. I didn't sucker punch her, she was old and I'm a pacifist. And, just a few seconds ago, a customer at work also told me that I look like David Spade. So, here are the people that I've been told I now look like.

Friday, April 11, 2008

I Stink at Fishing

"There are lots of fish in the sea," a phrase I am well accustomed to. Scientist have thus far discovered over 18,000 different varieties of fish in the sea but hey, who cares, I'm a lousy angler.

Fishing just isn't fun to me. It has been suggested that perhaps I should go online and order some fish from Russia where there are entire schools of beautiful blond fish. I would like a good looking fish, a real keeper. Catch and release is not my proverbial cup of tea (or should I say cup of sea). I don't want just a picture of me with a beautiful trophy fish, I want to keep it until death do us part.

Perhaps my problem is my fish snobbery. I am fishing for the elusive Deep-sea Christianhotandgoodlookinggirlwithgoalswholoveskids fish. Being that they are one of the worlds rarest fish and I am quite possibly the worlds worst fisherman, the chances of my catching one is quite slim indeed. I could fish for the halibut, they are quite abundant, but what if I don't like halibut? I certainly don't want a Long Horned Cow fish or a Snaggletooth, ek. I'm quite picky when it comes to my fish.

There are 3 basic dynamics involved in fishing:

1) THE BAIT. Now there are many varieties of bait that can be used to catch fish. There are some that use mirrors to attract the fish to their own reflection. Others use shiny objects to capture their attention. Sometimes I wonder if I may be using the wrong bait.

2) The Location. You can have the best tackle and bait in the world but if you are in an area with no fish than this will be of no help to you. Many people find it useful to frequent local watering holes in order to catch fish. I'm not looking for intoxicated fish so that doesn't work for me.

3) The Fisherman. My casting skills are lacking and I can never manage to real them in. Nothing is more disappointing then the fish that gets away. I always wanted to take the approach to fishing that the disciples of Jesus used. He told them when and were and then they got the fish. No skills or bait needed. I have no skills and my bate is medocre so I may need Jesus to lend me his angling skills.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Random Blog

- Todays rerun of Everyone Loves Raymond was strangely applicable to my life.

- At my brothers wedding my toast was 1 minute and 45 seconds long. It took 3 days to write, went through 3 revisions, I read 3 articles on giving a toasts, practiced it in my head and out loud a dozen times and then it was again revised when I gave it. I liked how it turned out so well that I watched the video of it 4 times in a row.

- I wish that my cars stereo was louder than my car.

- I long for the day when I have to make the big switch to a mini-van.

- I'm pretty sure that a couple of teenage girls were humming music to go along with my walking up the sidewalk. I'm also pretty sure that they thought I was hot.

- I told a friend that I was thinking about getting a fire pit and he told me that its no fun to sit by a fire pit by yourself in your own backyard. Yea, thanks a lot.

- The added bonus in my Cheddar Goldfish are starfish shaped crackers. Thats not much of a bonus.

- Sometimes I tear up when I watch touching commercials.

- I have some kidney beans in my cabinet that expired 3 years ago. Some day I will eat them but I can't remember if I like kidney beans.

- A ate goat stew Monday night. Goats tough.

- I'm afraid that some day I will realize that I am too old to be cool and will have to dress my age.

- I think I may have seen every re-run of the following shows Everyone Loves Raymond, King of Queens, Simpsons, King of the Hill, Friends, Seinfield, Fresh Prince of Belair, The Office, According to Jim.... and many more.

- I wrote part of this blog in my head on my way home from the grocery store. I even decided to write that I wrote part of this blog in my head on my way home from the grocery store as the last line.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Life is Not always Golden

My blood pressure will go up, muscle tension, trouble concentrating, headaches, trouble sleeping, I’ll even quit eating regularly for a day or two. All of these are symptoms of my anxiety. It’s weird because most people wouldn’t think of me as someone who would suffer with depression, stress, or anxiety. I put on a good front, good enough to trick most people at least. It happens though, sometimes, I’m human. Sometimes things in life don’t go how I plan. Sometimes its even my fault. Here is the solution.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus... And the God of peace will be with you.

Before you go to bed tonight or when your at work or school tomorrow, say a quick prayer for me. My world isn’t falling apart but I am having anxiety and I don’t want it.

On another note look what my friend gave me today. It's solid gold. The deal is I can’t sell it. I think its $789 worth. He said I should carry it in my pocket for good luck. I told him if he decided that he wanted it back to tell me.

Me Falling on My Head

Watch me fall on my head. I can usually do a wheelie, honest I can. So if you want a good laugh or you honestly hate me and just want to see me get hurt than this is the video for you.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I Pulled a Car with My Hair

Here is the legendary video of me pulling a car with my hair.