Wednesday, July 30, 2008

My Redneck Paradise

My beautiful redneck paradise, you have been destroyed. Urbanization and city living have ravaged you, stealing your beauty. No one cares about your goats and antiques. What they want are video games and urban outfitters. Oh where are your sideshows, pizza eating bears, midgets and the crab men. Oh how I miss seeing the worlds largest rat, the worlds tallest horse, and the diving mule standing on his platform looking down at the pool of water far bellow. Why are there no monkeys riding ponies, family circuses daring the ring of death, or lions and tigers doing tricks? It seems like just yesterday that I saw the sword swallowers and the worlds strongest clown.

As a child I went the the Hamilton County fair every day that it was open. I would brave heat exhaustion and motion sickness, absorbing and enjoying every moment. I remember setting my own personal record on the ferris wheel barrel ride. I spun that barrel in 100 consecutive circles. Skeetball was my game of choice. mainly because at a quarter it was the only one that I could afford. The fair was an event for the entire redneck family. My 85 year old grandmother even rode a few rides. It was a thing of beauty.

Now the fair is all but dead, gasping for its finale breath. Most of the rides are gone, the food vendors are scarce and the exhibit halls are half empty. They put the chickens in with the goats and the rabbits have migrated into the beef building. I was told that the fair almost didn't happen this year. After over 150 years its coming to an end.

The fair did, however, have its bright spots this year. I won 10 ribbons including oldest book and best Bible. The demolition derby was good and the karaoke was impressive. I watched an 11 year old sing the most debaucheris song in a most impressive manner. Sure, it wasn't a total loss but it still makes me sad. Goodby my Redneck paradise. You had a good run.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Still Beautiful at 120

I love antiques. Yea, I'm a dork like that. In fact I just entered 10 antiques in the Hamilton County fair which elevates me to super dork. Maybe I'll win some ribbons (super super dork). I absolutely love antique photographs. I have hundreds of them. Daguerreotypes, tintypes, CDVs, Cabinet Cards, miniatures, and photo postcards, I love them all and if you know what all of those things are than your as much of a dork as I am. The majority of my collection is from the mid to late 1800s and 100% of the people in those photos are now dead. I just recently acquired these Cabinet Cards in a box full of mid to late 1800s photos. This girl is so beautiful that I thought I would share her pictures with the world. There is just something quite stunning about her and no one has paid any attention to her for a long time. (In case your wondering how old these particular Cabinet Cards are I would estimate them to be from the late 1800's)

Friday, July 25, 2008

The Great Watermelon Challenge

Everyone has goals. One of my goals that I have failed at for the last 2 years has been to eat an entire watermelon by myself. My downfall has been buying watermelons that were just too big and eating it over to long a period of time. This year, this year I conquered the melon of water. Not only did I defeat it I did it all in one sitting. I just finished eating an entire 10lb watermelon within one hour, by myself.

When I got home tonight I was a bit hungry. I was going to eat a couple of eggs but then decide to instead start on the melon. (Quick note: Last year I met a nutritionist at a party who told me all the reasons why eating an entire watermelon by myself was a terrible idea. I can't remember what she said though) "I can eat half of this thing no problem" I told myself. I was pretty full after 50% but no, I must defeat the melon. I will not fail again. 75%, aw I feel sick, I may throw up. "Keep going" I told myself. It was like one of those movies where fill in the blank sports team is motivated the inspirational coach. I was both the team and the coach. The last two slices were rather difficult but I powered on through. The key is to just eat, eat fast and don't think. It's almost 1am so I'm not sure how I will feel in the morning. My stomach is making strange sounds. At least I don't feel like I'm going to puke anymore. The feeling has moved south. My stomach is rock hard. I didn't even realize the my body could physically hold an entire watermelon. Oh well, I WIN!!!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Walgreens a store for morons.

Walgreens, a store for morons. Now mind you, not all people who go to Walgreens are morons. I have frequented the establishment many times to buy their excess holiday candy and have still managed to maintain my high IQ. But I regress. There is a Walgreens directly across the street from my work. Posted on the outside brick wall is a sign clearly stating that there is a Police substation inside. Yet time after time, morons attempt to rob the place. It takes a special kind of moron to rob a store that has a police station inside.

Speaking of morons... yesterday, at that same Walgreens I saw an ambulance. What kind of tragic injury could have befallen an innocent Walgreens shopper on this fine day. Now I'm no doctor but from what I could tell, some middle aged lady hurt her wrist. But your not doctor, you may say, how do you know this? Well I'll tell you. When she walked, unassisted, to the ambulance she had an ice pack on her wrist. This is why health insurance is so stinking expensive. Its because of morons who insist that everything is an emergency. My wrist would have to be disconnected from my arm for me to call a crew of medical technicians to help me. I would like to think that even if I broke my wrist, as long as I wasn't blacking out, I would drive myself to the hospital. To prove to myself that this could be done I drove home yesterday using only my left hand. Being that I have a five speed this was a bit difficult and unnecessary dangerous. This means that every time I shifted I had to let go of the steering wheel, reach across my body, and shift. Ok, so I used my right hand once , just once though. My point here is that I am not a wimp who calls the doctor over every scraped knee, morons! Ok, thats my rant, continue on with what you were doing.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Games Grown Ups Play

Follow the Leader (Cops edition)
This game is generally played on a highway full of cars. The goal of this game is not to pass the cop (the leader) in front of you. If he speeds up than you are also free to speed up. If he slows down than you must do the same. The only way to win is for the cop to exit the highway. It is always fun to see a new player enter the game at the last second. Another popular variation of this game is the leader follows you. This one is much more difficult and losing can be costly.

Budget Roulette
WARNING: This game is very dangerous and should not be played.
In this game the player will need 2 checks. One check should be in the process of clearing their bank account while the other one should be in an amount equal or less than the clearing check but more than the current bank account balance. This is a game based on luck and timing. However, if the new check clears before the check entering into your account does, you lose.

The Petroleum Limbo
How low can you go. In this game you will need to use almost all of your cars gas. The closer to the E line that you get the better. However, go too low and you lose.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I Think

An assortment of events and my thoughts on them.

- A couple came into work to buy a sign. They got a post card that said "Why don't you use $30 of your stimulus check and buy a new flag. Yours is tattered. - Your Neighbors" They wanted to buy a flag that said "What ya think about this?" I think they have mean neighbors.

- My neighbor gave me a bunch of wood leftover from his remodel. I think I have a nice neighbor.

- Pringles now makes Dill Pickle flavored chips. I think that taste nice.

- My sister Hope said, "It's poring rain outside." It wasn't. That is until 2 seconds after she said that. I think thats creepy.

- I think the TV show Americas Got Talent shouldn't have any singers on it. I think that those people should be replaced with more circus performers and break dancers.

- My Dad said that he thinks that Daisy Dukes are shorts that are so short that your but cheeks are showing. I said that I think he's wrong. My mom said that she thinks that the conversation was inappropriate and should end right there.

- My little toe put a hole in my Converse All Stars. I think I may need to cut my toe nails.

- The people in the car next to me at an intersection started a conversation with me. I think that should happen at every intersection. That would be nice.

- I think, therefor I am.