Friday, August 28, 2009

My First Football Game - Playing with Numbers

So I went to my first professional football game last night. Come to think of it, that would make this my first football game period. I have come to the conclusion that professional football is 95% hype. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it and had fun. My favorite part was the marching band at halftime. I also enjoyed watching the guy that was sitting in front of me. Every time the Bengals made a good play (a rare occasion) he would stand up and do the Incredible Hulk pose. He looked like he was going to go into coronary arrest. I also enjoyed the fireworks at the beginning, watching the smoke billowing from somewhere outside the stadium (I think someone torched a car) and the excitement when that one player ran real far with the ball. I don't know who he was or exactly what he did but I stood up to watch. Ok, let's have some fun with numbers.

- The minimum wage for a rookie in the NFL is $285,000 ($14,250 per game)
- The average wage for a professional cheerleader in the NFL is $50 per game
- There are on average 24 cheerleaders performing for the entire game.
- So... an NFL rookie earns approximately 1200% more per game than all 24 cheerleaders combined.

- A bottle of water a Bengals game costs $4.25 (25 cents per ounce)
- A gallon of gas cost $2.50 per gallon (2 cents per ounce)
- So... bottle of water at a Bengals game cost 1250% more than gasoline.

- The average parking space within one mile of the stadium is $25 per day
- The average size of a parking space is 180sq ft
- The average size apartment is 1,050sq ft
- The average cost of an apartment (in Cincinnati) is $550 per month
- The avereage parking space at a Bengals game cost 832% more than the average apartment.

- I was at the football game
- My brother was at the same football game
- Each of us did not know where the other one was sitting nor did we go looking.
- We ran into each other after the first quarter.
- There were approximately 45,000 people there.
- I actually don't know what the chances of this one are.

- The Bengals are a professional football team.
- Chances of them performing like one this season, unlikely.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Color Theory 101

Betsy Ross never took a class in color theory but even she knew that you don't put blue on red. That's why she put all of those white stripes there. You've got to keep them separated. Here we are, over 200 years later, and for some reason people still insist that blue looks good on red. Unlike Betsy (and my customers), I did take a class in color theory. I also have years of experience in graphic design along with two degrees (yea, just Associates). And you know what, blue does not look good on red, or vice-versa. I can't even count the times people insist that blue will look good on red, or yellow will read well on white or even the occasional orange and red combo. These are bad choices people. Why won't you believe me? Please for the love of God people, stop butchering my designs with your terrible color combinations.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Weeble Wobble is Not an Insult (in my mind)

I must admit, I once told a pregnant friend that she looked like Buddha. In my defense she was sitting cross legged and smiling. Ok, I have the feeling that I'm not helping my case here. You see the problem is I think much differently than most people. Ok, so that's not the entire problem. The second part of the problem is I also speak portions of my mind that most people know to keep to themselves. I've been known to tell pregnant women that they look like weeble wobbles or are looking a bit lopsided. In fact, I may or may not have said one of those two things as recently as this week.

Ok, before I get beaten down my a mob of angry mothers, let me try to explain the inner workings of my brain. Try to understand that even though this may not be logical to you, in my mind it makes perfect sense. In my mind telling a pregnant women that she looks large is not meant to be an insult. Never in my life have I told a women that she looks fat (my sisters excluded). In my mind large is not the same as fat. I am merely pointing out that she looks like she is about to have a baby. Having a baby is a beautiful thing. Well, maybe not the act of having a baby, that's kind of gross and bloody and usually the baby looks all pruney and cross eyed. But, after a week or two, having a baby turns into a beautiful thing. So I say, be proud of your watermelon shaped protrusion because soon it will be gone and in its place you will have a tiny, pruney cross eyed human that will eventually turn into a cute baby. Weeble wobble is not an insult.

All that being said, I here by resolve to cease making unsolicited comments about the physique of my pregnant friends.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

and Now you know, Beer is not a Food


I just bought a book called Essential Lessons in Human Physiology and Hygiene for Schools, printed in 1898. I found it in a bin of books at the thrift store. It cost me 25 cents. Along with the great illustrations, here are the things that I've learned:

1) Wine is not a Food
2) Beer is not a Food
3) There is no alcohol in well baked bread
4) All tobacco users, especially chewers, are great spitters, and in this way they waste much saliva.
5) The skin consists of two layers.
6) A cold bath may be taken every day, if no chill follows. Everyone should take a warm bath at least once a week.
7) Wait 2 to 3 hours after a meal to take a warm bath or 3 to 5 minute for a cold bath.
8) Give the scalp a thorough washing and rubbing at least once a week.
9) The brain of an idiot is usually small and imperfectly developed.

List of 100 life goals number 42

List of 100 life goals number42: Preach in home church. CHECK

Over the weekend I got the opportunity to teach/preach at the three weekend services at my home church, Vineyard Westside. When I was writing my list of life goals earlier this year I reluctantly put this on the list. I wasn't reluctant to put it on there because I didn't want to do it, or I was afraid to do it. Because I did and I wasn't. The reason I was reluctant is that this was one of those goals that was for the most part out of my hands. I like to set goals that I know I can accomplish on my own. This one was for the most part up to God and the church leadership. Well, God said yes to goal number 42 and I preached the three weekend services. It was awesome. I really enjoyed it. If you missed it and have some free time here is the podcast

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Old Lady with a Mowhawk

Have you ever seen an old lady with a mowhawk, a homeless man with a louis vuitton purse, a baby drinking a wine cooler, or a dog with pierced ears? These thing are not normal. Old ladies are normal, mowhawks aren't incredibly rare. However, seeing both togehter is bizare.

When I ride my new bike people look at me like an old lady with a mowhawk. My bike is a normal road bike and I'm a regular westsider. However, people who ride road bike usualy wear spandex shorts and pointy helmets. I wear jean shorts and a t-shirt. Two regualr things that, in most peoples minds, just don't fit. I had one guy slow down today just to look at me. Well, you can stare all you want because, as sexy as it may look, I'm not wearing spandex shorts!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

This is Only a Test

I design signs for a living. It's not really to exciting but most of life isn't. Along with all of the other signs I design, I design quite a few church signs. When I design a sign it is important to put the most pertinent information the largest. Therefor when I design a church sign I like to make the pastors name small. The smaller the better. This is also an interesting test of sorts since it is usually the churches pastor who is ordering the sign. Will they ask me to increase the size of their name, and if so by how much? It may be wrong, but whenever a pastor tells me to make their name dramatically bigger, I tend to form a negative opinion about their church. What do you think?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Killing the Introvert Within

I've said this before but I am an introvert. And I'm not just borderline introverted. The last test I took put me at somewhere over 70%. That being the case, I generally avoid situations that force me to be surrounded by strangers. I think the perfect ratio for a crowd is 75% friends, 25% strangers. That being said, going to a party at a strangers house where I only know 2 people would normally be out of the question. That just sounds uncomfortable. However, in an effort to kill the introvert within, Saturday, I did just the opposite of my first inclination. (that's what George Costanza would do) I went to a party at a strangers house where I only knew two people. (I should also mention that I only have physically talked to those two people one time and mostly know them from facebook)

I gave myself a pep talk on my way there. I said, "you will be fun, you will be outgoing, you will be extroverted." And you know what, I had fun. And why shouldn't I, I'm a fun guy. Although one girl did imply that I was boring. She couldn't have been serious though. It was probably the Bud Lite talking. I am not boring. Talking is one of my skill sets.

Afterwords I analyzed myself and this is what I found.
1) I tend to find a place at a party and stay there. I'm not much for walking around and trying to meet new people. I prefer people to come to me.
2) I have nervous habits that included needing to hold a beverage or eating chips during awkward pauses. I drink when I'm don't know what to do so I guess it's a good think I'm not an alcoholic.
3) It takes me about an hour to become talkative.
4) I don't speak Portuguese or Spanish.
5) A 14 to 1 ratio of girls to guys at a table isn't so bad.
6) I have no sense of time and will stay at a party until 2am talking to people who used to be strangers.
7) I like strangers.

And now for some more Brazilian facts.
1) Brazilians shower at least once and often twice a day unlike Americans who are dirty.
2) I Brazil the bacon is not nearly as good as it is in America.
3) A caipira is the Brazilian equivalent of the American redneck.
4) In Brazil people generally don't come home from the clubs until after 6am.