Wednesday, February 27, 2008

My Mind Says...

Have you ever become aware of something and then, all of a sudden, it bothers you. My finger nails where probably not a whole lot shorter yesterday but today I looked at them and now it bothers me. I have become aware of the length of my nails. When I type I can feel them. When I'm sitting still, I can feel them. I've thought about taking an x-acto knife and attempting to trim them I'm pretty sure that no good could come from that idea. I guess I will have to wait until I get home.

I can never make it to lunch without becoming increasing hungry. I keep thinking about how good a pile of bacon, some beef jerky, or maybe some carrot cake would be right now. Hot fries, twinkies, and pie also sound good. I have an apple with me but, its an apple and the only way that I want apples is if they are baked into a pie. I wonder if I was married if my wife would make me pie and bacon for breakfast. That would be awesome.

This hot chocolate is so hot that it burns my tongue. This begs to question as to why I am still sipping it. At work they decided to stop buying disposable cups and to use mugs instead. This sounded like a good idea until I realized that I would have to continually be washing two mugs in the bathroom sink. Aw man, my finger nails are still too long. I need to stop looking at them.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Poetry to Food

Today I wrote and sent poems to various foods that I like via their web site feedback forms. This is by no means quality poetry.

Andy Capp's Hot Fries
Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways
One your hotter than any girl I have ever dated
Two I can't resist licking your goodness off of my fingers
Three Corn and Potatoes have never come together in a more tasty form
Four I try to eat you just one at a time but alas it can not be done.
Oh how I love thee

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
M&Ms come in more colors than that
and they taste better too

Pringles, the chips in a can
Pringles, I'm your biggest fan
Pringles, you taste so very good
Pringles, I choose you above other food

Slim Jims
Slim Jims, such a manly treat
If wrestlers can eat them
than it must be quite the feat

Your meaty goodness causes me to salivate
Slim Jims the beef you eat
without a plate

Vlasic Pickles
Vlasic, a great pickle with a funny name
Your crunchy goodness has brought you fame
I hope to eat you every day
Vlasic pickles are here to stay

Kraft String Cheese
I love string cheese
its heaven on earth
I love string cheese
it has a tiny girth
I love string cheese
won't you be mine
I love string cheese
I eat it all the time

Corporate Responses to my Poems
I will post them as they come

Dear Mr. Thoms,
Your communication concerning our Slim Jim product was most welcome. I really liked your poem. We will be sending a couple cents off coupons via mail in 7-14 days.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Drano for My Mind

Have you ever had so much stuff on your mind that you couldn't shut if off to go to sleep. That was me last night. I would yell at my brain to shut up but that just added to the noise. I wold try to think about nothing but nothing always became something. If ever at some point I would in fact clear my mind for a brief moment a thought would pop up that said, "Good job you cleared your mind." That in and of it self would ruin it. Sleep was brief and fleeting. We have a love hate relationship me and sleep. I love when I get it but I hate that I need it. Scenarios, scenarios are my worst enemy. Only about .5% of the scenarios in my head ever come to volition, but still they come, the what ifs of life. Why won't the what ifs of life just shut up and leave me alone so that I can sleep. All of these what ifs make me question rather or not I am actually putting my faith in God. If I truly believe that he is in control of my future, past, and present than why all of these what ifs? I'm so tired this morning. I think need Drano for the mind.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

My Modem

It was two days ago but it feels like just moments. That was the night that my modem died. I stayed up with her, watching as her red light blinked, on and off, on and off. I was scared. I didn't want to lose her, why, why was this happening. We had been together for over a year now. I can still remember getting her in the mail. Yes, I ordered her through the mail, don't judge me. Things got serious quick. She helped me with my business and we visited strange exotic lands, oh the memories.

There she was laying on the floor, dieing. I reset the computer, turned off her power, checked the phone line, called tech support, but still nothing. I did everything that i could to save her. I am still coming to grips with my loss. Sure, I've been with other modems since then. Nothing too serious though, just work modems. Some people may say I was just using them to deal with my loss. I like to think that I used them out of necessity. And of course there was that one time at a friends house. I'm not ashamed though, I needed to use the internet, I need the internet. The internet is a big part of my life.

Today I went and got a new modem. Its been two whole days. I think I'm ready to have internet back in my home again. When I get home I will hook her up to my computer and my life will begin again, a new life, a better life, a life with high speed internet.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Nice Hair

Ok folks, here is the article that I wrote for this weeks CinWeekly. Pick up a copy for yourself because they are free. This is also on their blog so if you would like to comment on it there too here is the link.

I'm getting a haircut.

Yes, I am well aware that this is generally only a big event for very small children. "The first haircut," as it's known - mothers gingerly taping locks of their baby's hair into a scrapbook for the world to see. I am not an infant, but I am confident that your keen intellect has already alerted you to this fact. I haven't frequented a crib for somewhere in the range of 24 years.

Why, then, is this particular haircut such a big deal? Well, for one thing, I have never had a haircut that I liked. I'm sure you can relate. Secondly and more importantly, though, I haven't had a haircut in over seven years, and yes, I'm a guy. I'm a guy with hair down to his butt, a throwback to the '60s.

People have come to identify me by my flowing blond locks. "Do you know Dan? You know Dan, the guy with the long hair." "Ah yes, that Dan, the Dan with long hair" they would retort. My hair was my identifying characteristic, my trademark. How, then, will people describe me after my ponytail has been detached from my head? Will people stutter for lack of adjectives in describing me? I imagine that there will be a period of time where they will refer to me as the guy who used to have long hair, but then what? After all, I am the man who once pulled a Mazda MX3 using only his hair. Is that normal? No. Is it memorable? Yes. People remember me. People remember my hair.

"Nice hair," many a stranger has remarked. The young women would wish that they possessed my tresses, and the old men recalled when they did. "I remember when my hair was long like that," they would comment, a dreamy look in their eyes as they disappeared into the past. Occasionally, a random pedestrian would even venture to cop a feel - a 24-inch, blond hair feel.

Now, I'm not saying that having long hair doesn't have its pitfalls, because it does. If I had a quarter for every time I was told to "Get a haircut," I would be a hundredaire. (For those of you doing the math in your heads, that equals 400 times.) Drying my hair would take hours, and have you ever gotten your hair tangled in barbed wire? Let's just say that it's not a pleasant experience. And let us not forget the Locks of Love Gestapo. "You should cut your hair and donate it," over and over again they would prod.

That being said, I am getting a haircut, and I am not donating it to anyone. Being the entrepreneur that I am, I have decided to sell my Rapunzelesque hair. Don't worry, though, the money will be going to charity. Soon and very soon, my hair will be gone, but hopefully my identity will stay. RIP my hair, my beautiful, beautiful, hair.

Dan Thoms is a graphic designer who lives down by the river in Sedamsville. He enjoys long walks on the beach, shampooing his hair and having fun with all of his friends at the Vineyard West Side.