Thursday, December 29, 2011

A Yuppies Guide to Rap Music (A top 10 list of Rap Music Themes)

Many of you have by now probably heard of a new musical style known as "the rap music." As I am sure that none of you are interested in listening to said music I have taken it upon myself to share with you a little about this emerging genre. The following is a list of the most common themes found in said "rap music." I hope that you find this list as helpful as I did when relating to those in the "ghetto" culture.

10. Their relationships with Friends and Family
9. Acts of civil disobedience
8. Illegal substances such as "the weed"
7. Having fun at a friend's house or a local establishment
6. Their favorite color of rag (as to what they do with these rags still remains a mystery to us)
5. Diversifying their investments in things such as automobiles and precious metals
4. Drinks made of Alcohol and the many ways by which to consume them
3. Entrepreneurship, the act of making "the Benjamins"
2.Their Female associates and the many activities that they participate in
1. Their current and past position on the socioeconomic ladder and their many feelings relating to such

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Why I Hate Grocery Shopping

I walk through the door and am immediately confronted with my first decision. Only two choices, cart of basket? Will I be buying much? Will any of those items be heavy? I pick the cart. That was easy. I arrive in the produce section. Should I buy apples.

"Last time you bought apples you didn't eat them all. Don't buy apples." I say to myself.
"Maybe I'll just buy two apples. But buying an entire bag is cheaper. No, just two apples. Wait, which apples are cheaper? I don't know what the difference is between these apples. I wonder which ones are cheaper. I'll just buy the cheap ones and hope for the best." I am confident that I can eat two apples.

The pressure in my head is starting to build. My eyes widen and I grip my cart a little tighter. Where to next? I try to remember what it was that I needed. Do I have rice? Am I out of mustard? No, it was toilet paper. I scan the prices trying to determine the best deal. Wait, here it is, the cheapest toilet paper. But no, wait, they are only one ply and I have to have two. The large packs seem to be cheaper per roll so I concentrate my energy on them. I'm now gritting my teeth. My eyes feel like they are drying out. Why aren't these all priced per ply? How am I supposed to figure out which is cheaper? Single roll, double roll, single roll? I wonder how much toilet paper costs at Walmart? I hate shopping.

As I leave the paper isle I can't help but to wonder if someone is going to hit my cart. It's practically a blind turn. I make it but just barely. I browse the packaged meats. I wonder if the deli turkey is cheaper but it is on the opposite side of the store? I can't remember what the online ad said. Are any of the deli meats on sale? Wait, do I need soap? I passed the soap isle 6 isles ago. I now have a headache. I try to take deep breaths and start repeating the same phrase to myself over and over. "It's going to be ok. It's going to be ok."

There are too many people here and this store is too big. I look in my cart and am disappointed with my decisions thus far. 5 pizzas, ice-cream, pop-tarts, apple jelly, toilet paper, 2 apples, a 12 pack of jello, and a pie. Why does my cart always look like I'm buying for a very small party? My entire body is tense. I can feel the pressure in my chest building. I don't feel like I have much food in my cart but I'm ready to go so I check out. I hope I don't have to do this again any time soon. Wait, ketchup, that's what I needed. Oh well, I guess I'll just eat my hot dogs with mustard. I should have bought some bread.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Friggan Awesome Blog

This Blog is Rated PG-13 (only slightly though)

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, what do all of these words have in common? If you said that they all end with the word "day" than congratulations, your mom would be proud. But there is a second but perhaps less obvious answer. All of these words were created to honor gods. For example, Friday was named after Frigga, the goddess of married love. I know what you're probably thinking, "that's pretty Friggan awesome," and I would agree.

Do you have a friend with a venereal disease? On second thought, don't answer that. "Venereal" is however yet another example of an ancient god in modern culture. The word "venereal" is named after the goddess Venus, the god of sexual love. I know that the thought of venereal diseases in unpleasant so for just a can find an example of yet another ancient god. Horus, his entire body didn't make the cut but his eye does make a guest appearance on the back of the one dollar bill.

Do you celebrate Easter, ever been to Minerva, Ohio, seen a show performed at the Apollo Theater, eaten a Mars candy bar, had a muse, ever had something made of vulcanized rubber, or suffered a panic attack? All of these things were named after ancient gods.

So the question is this, as a Christian do I need to either rename all of these things or never again, eat a Mars candy bar, celebrate Easter, feel the emotion of panic, call the days of the week by their names, get a venereal disease or go anywhere named Minerva? Now, the last part may be easy because Minerva Ohio is over 200 miles away, and not getting a venereal disease is just a good idea in general but the rest of these things may prove to be rather inconvenient. After all, Minerva Kentucky is much closer and I don't know what to call Sunday if I can't call it Sunday anymore. I could try to give it a Christian name and call it Jesusday but I'm afraid that may just confuse people. So what is the solution?

The apostle Paul put it this way in 1 Corinthians 8
"So then, about eating food sacrificed to idols: We know that “An idol is nothing at all in the world” and that “There is no God but one.” For even if there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as indeed there are many “gods” and many “lords”), yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from whom all things came and for whom we live; and there is but one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things came and through whom we live. But not everyone possesses this knowledge. Some people are still so accustomed to idols that when they eat sacrificial food they think of it as having been sacrificed to a god, and since their conscience is weak, it is defiled. But food does not bring us near to God; we are no worse if we do not eat, and no better if we do."

In other word's, it doesn't matter. The issue is not if you call it Friday, or Easter but rather do you worship the goddess Frigga or the goddess Easter? If you can say no than feel free to keep the names because it doesn't matter. As Paul would say, eat but worship but worship the true God.