Just a few funny things that I've heard people say over the last few days...
- "My kids can tell the difference when I buy any toilet paper that's not Charmin Ultra Soft. My kids are toilet paper savants."
- "This one time I got stopped at the airport because the scanner kept going off. It was kind of embarrassing because I have piercings that I don't want my kids to know about and I was afraid that that's what was setting it off. Luckily it turned out to be my bra."
- I got an email about a party that I was attending that stated "I'll pick up the usual kids/Dan and adult beverages." kids/Dan beverages, well that's one way to put it.
- "Yea, Frank quit smoking so now he chews on hard candy all the time. Did you know that he has a chipped tooth. He carries around a tube of super glue so every time it comes loose he glues it right back on."
- "My son works at the library and at the library the workers have nicknames for all of the regulars. Now, the customers don't know that they have nicknames. The one lady they call Candy because she robbed a candy store and the police found her by following the trail of candy wrappers that she left."
- "The other day a lady brought her dog into the clinic that was both blind and deaf. The dogs name was Keller."
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The White Crow
I buy, sell, and collect. I am not, however, your normal collector. I enjoy the one of a kind, the rare, and most importantly the strange. Thus, the newest piece in my collection, a taxidermy, (partially) albino crow. Albinism in birds occurs in only about 1 in every 1800. Albino crows are so rare that when one is spotted it is news worthy. And as rare as a live one is, a stuffed one is even more rare. The Museum of Vancouver has one and there are a few others in private collections. Now, I don't think my crow is worth a ton of money but it is mine and I will never meet another person who owns one. And that's what I like.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
2 Peter 3:8
2 Peter 3:8—‘one day is like a thousand years’
I think that I finally have a good understanding of what that verse really means. I've heard it my entire life but today I lived it. Yesterday I set a personal goal. Starting today and continuing for the next 6 I will be spending 1 hour a day cleaning my house. And if I'm doing the math correctly, that one hour a day will feel like 14833 human days (41.6 years). I hate cleaning. I love the result but I highly dislike the process. Doing dishes feels like Chinese water torture. There are very few things that I wouldn't rather be doing.
After spending an entire hour cleaning today the result is nearly unnoticeable. Imagine if you will that a train with a 100 cars derails and 99 of them are destroyed. To the casual onlooker this wreck would look like a 100% loss. If, however, you're BMW was being transported in that last, undestroyed, train car you would see things quite differently. That's how I feel about my house. Granted, it still looks horrible but I have a vested interest so I can still see a difference. One hour down 88989 days to go.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Your Momma Jokes - Old Testament Style
30 Day Blogging Challenge Day 1:
So I was thinking the other day, if I lived during the times of the Old Testament what kind of insults would I use. Now, I must warn you, if you don't have a running knowledge of the Old Testament most of these will not be funny to you. Shoot, if you do have a running knowledge of the Old Testament they may still not be funny. What do I know. Here goes nothing.
- Your Momma is so fat that after the walls of Jericho fell down, the children of Israel marched around her for the next 7 days.
- Your Momma is so poor that she tried to give one pigeon as a sin offering.
- When you were born you were so ugly that your Momma tried to become a follower of Molech just so she could get rid of you.
- Your Momma is so ugly that when if she were in the Garden of Eden God wouldn't have waited for her to sin to cover up her nakedness
- Your Momma is so poor that she collects 10% of other peoples crops.
- Your Momma is so fat that she made the king of Moab look skinny.
- Your Momma is so dirty that Moses told her she would have to sleep in her own tent for 7 years to be ritually clean.
- Your Momma is so big that she looks like she came from the land of Gath
- Your Momma is so old that she is listed in the first paragraph in the genealogy of King David.
So I was thinking the other day, if I lived during the times of the Old Testament what kind of insults would I use. Now, I must warn you, if you don't have a running knowledge of the Old Testament most of these will not be funny to you. Shoot, if you do have a running knowledge of the Old Testament they may still not be funny. What do I know. Here goes nothing.
- Your Momma is so fat that after the walls of Jericho fell down, the children of Israel marched around her for the next 7 days.
- Your Momma is so poor that she tried to give one pigeon as a sin offering.
- When you were born you were so ugly that your Momma tried to become a follower of Molech just so she could get rid of you.
- Your Momma is so ugly that when if she were in the Garden of Eden God wouldn't have waited for her to sin to cover up her nakedness
- Your Momma is so poor that she collects 10% of other peoples crops.
- Your Momma is so fat that she made the king of Moab look skinny.
- Your Momma is so dirty that Moses told her she would have to sleep in her own tent for 7 years to be ritually clean.
- Your Momma is so big that she looks like she came from the land of Gath
- Your Momma is so old that she is listed in the first paragraph in the genealogy of King David.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Last Piece of Chicken
I love chicken and growing up we ate a lot of it. Chicken was the meat of choice. You can prepare it in a million different ways and most importantly, it's cheap, or at least it was 20 years ago. Of the million ways that exist my family was most familiar with the fried variety. Crispy, oven cooked chicken goodness.
As a kid my mom would make one pack of chicken which meant that there was only enough for everyone to eat one piece. But, that left one extra piece. Every time, without exception, I would ask my dad if he wanted the last piece and he would say, "no, I don't need another piece, you can eat it." As a kid it was a bit baffling. The chicken was delicious and if I was hungry enough to eat a second piece than certainly my dad was too. But every time he let me or my brother eat that last piece. "I'll just eat something out of the fridge." he would say. He never said, "I'm older so I get it." or "I'm bigger so I get it." or "Because I'm your dad.""You can have it," every time.
Over the years that attitude has stuck with me. If one of the kids wants the extra taco, or half of my fries, they can have. I don't even think twice about it. Why, because that's what my dad did. I guess I now understand why he always let me have the last piece of chicken. Who gets your last piece?
As a kid my mom would make one pack of chicken which meant that there was only enough for everyone to eat one piece. But, that left one extra piece. Every time, without exception, I would ask my dad if he wanted the last piece and he would say, "no, I don't need another piece, you can eat it." As a kid it was a bit baffling. The chicken was delicious and if I was hungry enough to eat a second piece than certainly my dad was too. But every time he let me or my brother eat that last piece. "I'll just eat something out of the fridge." he would say. He never said, "I'm older so I get it." or "I'm bigger so I get it." or "Because I'm your dad.""You can have it," every time.
Over the years that attitude has stuck with me. If one of the kids wants the extra taco, or half of my fries, they can have. I don't even think twice about it. Why, because that's what my dad did. I guess I now understand why he always let me have the last piece of chicken. Who gets your last piece?
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Things I Like
I like...
• hearing a kid say "watch this"
• chai tea latte at the Refuge Coffee Bar
• talking to strangers while waiting in line
• hearing someone call my name from across the room
• discovering a new niche market that I can make money off of
• hot baths
• laying in my hammock (but not for too long because I get bored easily)
• driving fast
• sleeping in
• leading Kids Church
• making someone smile who is having a rough day
• eating other peoples leftovers
• picking up hitchhikers
• hugs
• my house (even though it is so so messy)
• seeing someone I haven't seen in years and talking with them like we see each other every day
• cheesecake
• getting packaging materials from my friends (it keeps me out of the dumpsters)
• telling stories (I realize that I have way to many and I do apologize)
• going the park with a car full of kids
• and lots of other stuff too
• hearing a kid say "watch this"
• chai tea latte at the Refuge Coffee Bar
• talking to strangers while waiting in line
• hearing someone call my name from across the room
• discovering a new niche market that I can make money off of
• hot baths
• laying in my hammock (but not for too long because I get bored easily)
• driving fast
• sleeping in
• leading Kids Church
• making someone smile who is having a rough day
• eating other peoples leftovers
• picking up hitchhikers
• hugs
• my house (even though it is so so messy)
• seeing someone I haven't seen in years and talking with them like we see each other every day
• cheesecake
• getting packaging materials from my friends (it keeps me out of the dumpsters)
• telling stories (I realize that I have way to many and I do apologize)
• going the park with a car full of kids
• and lots of other stuff too
Saturday, February 12, 2011
How to Ice Fish
How to Ice Fish:
Step #1 Throw a brick through the ice
Step #2 Light up a blunt, a fatty
Step #3 Drink a few beers
Step #4 Have your woman grill you some food
Step #5 Catch a fish (optional step)
And that my friends is how you ice fish. At least that's the way that it's done according to the stranger who hitched a ride with me while I was eating in the McDonalds parking lot. His lady friend and him were headed to Price Hill and had a good story so I said sure thing hop on in. You know how a lot of places don't take American Express as a form of payment? Well that was kind of the same situation here. The guy tried to pay with weed and xanax but those just aren't my cup of tea (chai is my cup of tea). Side note, how come hitchhikers never have cash but they always have weed? Strike that, dumb question. He said I looked like I that guy in Metallica (he saw them in concert back in 89'). I told him I get that a lot. You know that girl from CSI? Yea, he think's she is hot but just tv hot, he still likes his lady friend in the back seat the best. Believe it or not she used to weigh 105, make that 127, his lady friend that is. As I dropped them off I invited them to church. Who knows, they may show up. They were a bit surprised to discover that I'm a kids pastor. I look more like a pot head. I like strangers.
Step #1 Throw a brick through the ice
Step #2 Light up a blunt, a fatty
Step #3 Drink a few beers
Step #4 Have your woman grill you some food
Step #5 Catch a fish (optional step)
And that my friends is how you ice fish. At least that's the way that it's done according to the stranger who hitched a ride with me while I was eating in the McDonalds parking lot. His lady friend and him were headed to Price Hill and had a good story so I said sure thing hop on in. You know how a lot of places don't take American Express as a form of payment? Well that was kind of the same situation here. The guy tried to pay with weed and xanax but those just aren't my cup of tea (chai is my cup of tea). Side note, how come hitchhikers never have cash but they always have weed? Strike that, dumb question. He said I looked like I that guy in Metallica (he saw them in concert back in 89'). I told him I get that a lot. You know that girl from CSI? Yea, he think's she is hot but just tv hot, he still likes his lady friend in the back seat the best. Believe it or not she used to weigh 105, make that 127, his lady friend that is. As I dropped them off I invited them to church. Who knows, they may show up. They were a bit surprised to discover that I'm a kids pastor. I look more like a pot head. I like strangers.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas Shopping - New vs Used
I'm going to go ahead and put a question out there and see if anyone has a good answer. Why is it that when it comes to buying someone a present it is somewhat of a taboo to get them something that is pre-used? Why do we feel the obligation to buy them something brand new when we can get them something used that is just as good or better for a much more reasonable price? Where did this way of thinking come from? Why shouldn't I buy someone a pre-used video game instead a brand new one if it is half the price? Why do we think this way? Whose fault is this wasteful and prideful mindset?
Friday, November 26, 2010
Top Ten Best/Worst Times to Fart
I'm sure that this list will be incredibly helpful for everyone out there when faced with the question, "Should I fart now?" After all, there are good times to fart and there are bad times to fart.
Special thanks to my sisters Grace and Hope, my Mom, and my aunt Lynda, who just happened to call when we were writing this list.
Top 10 Best Times to Fart
10. When sitting next to a large dog
9. When exiting an elevator
8. When touring a cheese factory
7. While socializing with a group of Senior Citizens at a retirement home
6. When taking out the trash
5. When holding a baby
4. While lounging in a Jacuzzi
3. When walking past a restroom that is in use
2. While standing in a large crowd of people
1. When you are all by yourself sitting in a wide open field
Top 10 Worst Times to Fart
10. As the bride walks in at a wedding
9. Standing in a crowded Elevator
8. Sitting in a helicopter
7. During the eulogy at a funeral
6. Doing the back float in a swimming pool
5. During confession
4. While slow dancing at your Senior Prom
3. While proposing to your girlfriend (or while being proposed to)
2. When hiding from the police under your bed
1. Anywhere where people can smell and or hear it
Special thanks to my sisters Grace and Hope, my Mom, and my aunt Lynda, who just happened to call when we were writing this list.
Top 10 Best Times to Fart
10. When sitting next to a large dog
9. When exiting an elevator
8. When touring a cheese factory
7. While socializing with a group of Senior Citizens at a retirement home
6. When taking out the trash
5. When holding a baby
4. While lounging in a Jacuzzi
3. When walking past a restroom that is in use
2. While standing in a large crowd of people
1. When you are all by yourself sitting in a wide open field
Top 10 Worst Times to Fart
10. As the bride walks in at a wedding
9. Standing in a crowded Elevator
8. Sitting in a helicopter
7. During the eulogy at a funeral
6. Doing the back float in a swimming pool
5. During confession
4. While slow dancing at your Senior Prom
3. While proposing to your girlfriend (or while being proposed to)
2. When hiding from the police under your bed
1. Anywhere where people can smell and or hear it
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A Bad Day
Monday was a bad day. It started off bad and continued to get worse and worse. By the end of the day I was convinced that I was destined to die in a fiery wreck. Now I normally a very optimistic person but I must admit, for about 30 minutes I became a pessimist.
I started off my day as I do every Monday by putting on my pants because going outside without pants on is a taboo in my neighborhood. That part went ok. The problems started when I got in my car to go thrifting. A mile and a half up the road my tire blew. I went to change it when I realized that my spare was flat as well. I used my magical cell phone to call for help but to no avail. So, I walked home. I got my van, picked up my spare and took it to get air. But, of course, the spare had a bent rim and wouldn't hold air. So, I got a new tire. I put it on and then attempted to start my car. Only problem is, my battery was dead. So, I tried to jump it. In the process of doing so I broke my jumper cables. So, I took my battery to have it charged but when I returned I was informed that it was bad. I got a new one and everything was good. That is until I took my cell phone out of my pocket only to discover that it had a busted screen. It had broken in my pocket. At some point that day I also found myself bleeding, I took the wrong exit when traveling to a place I have been a hundred times, spent an hour packaging something that I later found out was being picked up in person and went to the post office without all of my packages and had to go back home.
One friend told me that now I know what it feels like to be a normal human. Apparently I'm just not used to having a bad day. Five hours to change a flat tire seems excessive. And truthfully, I was fine with that. At least I got to take a walk, at least the battery and the tire went out at the same time and I got it out of the way, at least it didn't happen on Sunday night when I was driving 200 miles in the middle of nowhere, at least I was walking distance from my house, at least I have another vehicle, at least at least at least. But the cell phone breaking just put me over the edge. I coudn't think of anything possitive about that.
Today was better though, I made lots of money, didn't bother to get dressed until early evening, read a book, watched tv, and went back to living the charmed life that I'm used to. I guess one or two bad days a year is acceptable.
I started off my day as I do every Monday by putting on my pants because going outside without pants on is a taboo in my neighborhood. That part went ok. The problems started when I got in my car to go thrifting. A mile and a half up the road my tire blew. I went to change it when I realized that my spare was flat as well. I used my magical cell phone to call for help but to no avail. So, I walked home. I got my van, picked up my spare and took it to get air. But, of course, the spare had a bent rim and wouldn't hold air. So, I got a new tire. I put it on and then attempted to start my car. Only problem is, my battery was dead. So, I tried to jump it. In the process of doing so I broke my jumper cables. So, I took my battery to have it charged but when I returned I was informed that it was bad. I got a new one and everything was good. That is until I took my cell phone out of my pocket only to discover that it had a busted screen. It had broken in my pocket. At some point that day I also found myself bleeding, I took the wrong exit when traveling to a place I have been a hundred times, spent an hour packaging something that I later found out was being picked up in person and went to the post office without all of my packages and had to go back home.
One friend told me that now I know what it feels like to be a normal human. Apparently I'm just not used to having a bad day. Five hours to change a flat tire seems excessive. And truthfully, I was fine with that. At least I got to take a walk, at least the battery and the tire went out at the same time and I got it out of the way, at least it didn't happen on Sunday night when I was driving 200 miles in the middle of nowhere, at least I was walking distance from my house, at least I have another vehicle, at least at least at least. But the cell phone breaking just put me over the edge. I coudn't think of anything possitive about that.
Today was better though, I made lots of money, didn't bother to get dressed until early evening, read a book, watched tv, and went back to living the charmed life that I'm used to. I guess one or two bad days a year is acceptable.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
...where dreams come true
Martin Luther King Jr. once said "I have a dream...." Well I also had a dream. It wasn't quite as meaningful and world changing as MLKs but it was still a pretty good dream. In fact, I had this dream on Tuesday night. In my dream my friend Chris bought me the biggest breakfast sandwich that I had ever seen. Ordinarily breakfast sandwiches are a bit on the small side. In my dream the breakfast sandwich rivaled the Big Mac, it was a BSOUS, a Breakfast Sandwich Of Unusual Size.
If facebook had been around when MLK made his famous speech he could have saved himself some time and just did what I did with my dream. I posted it as my status on facebook.* And being the Santa Clause of facebook Chris offered to make my dream come true. So, Thursday morning at 7am we met at an undisclosed location, ok it was McDonalds, to assemble the biggest breakfast sandwich either of us had ever seen. And let me tell you, it was huge. The people at the surrounding tables laughed and doubted my ability to eat it because it was also the biggest breakfast sandwich that they had ever seen. And these people were pretty old and had most likely experienced many more breakfast sandwich than I have. Composed of two McGridles and a McMuffin, the sandwich towered to an astounding height of over 6 inches tall. Luckily I, like the anaconda, am able to dislocate my lower jaw in order to eat giant breakfast sandwiches. The deed was done, the sandwich was eaten, and my dream had come to fruition. Delhi, where dreams come true.*
*facebook limits status updates to 420 characters so MLKs 9,115 character speech probably couldn't have been consolidated enough to fit.
*Delhi (Del-high) is the name of the town where the McDonalds was located. My theory is that it was originally founded by an Indian family from Delhi but they were driven out by a bunch of rednecks who could pronounce the name properly.
If facebook had been around when MLK made his famous speech he could have saved himself some time and just did what I did with my dream. I posted it as my status on facebook.* And being the Santa Clause of facebook Chris offered to make my dream come true. So, Thursday morning at 7am we met at an undisclosed location, ok it was McDonalds, to assemble the biggest breakfast sandwich either of us had ever seen. And let me tell you, it was huge. The people at the surrounding tables laughed and doubted my ability to eat it because it was also the biggest breakfast sandwich that they had ever seen. And these people were pretty old and had most likely experienced many more breakfast sandwich than I have. Composed of two McGridles and a McMuffin, the sandwich towered to an astounding height of over 6 inches tall. Luckily I, like the anaconda, am able to dislocate my lower jaw in order to eat giant breakfast sandwiches. The deed was done, the sandwich was eaten, and my dream had come to fruition. Delhi, where dreams come true.*
*facebook limits status updates to 420 characters so MLKs 9,115 character speech probably couldn't have been consolidated enough to fit.
*Delhi (Del-high) is the name of the town where the McDonalds was located. My theory is that it was originally founded by an Indian family from Delhi but they were driven out by a bunch of rednecks who could pronounce the name properly.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Aware of What?
Perhaps I missing something obvious or maybe I'm just dumb. I don't understand breast cancer awareness. I don't want to sound insensitive here. I've had both family and friends who have suffered from this terrible disease. It's terrible and preventable, kind of. But what exactly are all of these dumb facebook updates and photo changes? How does posting your bra color or changing your profile pictures color to pink help anything? What exactly is that supposed to make people aware of? Have you ever brought breast cancer up in a conversation and the person said, "Breast cancer, what is that, I'm not aware of what breast cancer is. I wish that someone would have made me aware of this serious issue by posting their bra color." Here's my theory on the matter. People do all of these borderline obnoxious "awareness" things because it makes them feel good about themselves without actually doing anything at all. It cost nothing, there is zero sacrifice and yet, somehow, you feel like you've done something noble. And yes, I realize that I may be being a jerk here. Sorry, I'm aware.
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