The Olympic Games

I don't particularly like sports so its strange to me that I will sit down and watch the Olympics. The Olympics have an almost mesmerizing quality to them. It's us verses the world and we're loosing to the Comies. I most enjoy watching the ADD sports. You know, the ones that take around 2 seconds to complete. I've become quite the expert in synchronized diving. "Wow, thats good synco," I say to myself. "Oh no, too much splash!" I must be a quick learner because this week is the first time I've ever even heard of synchronized diving and already I'm practically an expert. When I was at my parents house, my mom was actually watching the gymnastics. Not only was she watching it she was debating the age of the Chinese gymnasts and agitated that we weren't paying close enough attention to the scores. Like I said, mesmerizing. I just want to leave you with a bulletin, a highly edited bulletin of fiery passion that a friend posted on myspace.

Gosh **** that Alicia Sacramone, its her **** fault that the Americans lost, how the **** are you going to fall on too events..... two **** events that she shouldn't have even been competing on in the first place if chelsie and sam hadn't got hurt.... **** that ****... she's a good gymnast but **** if you can't stand the heat get out of the the **** **** kitchen. Everybody else did their job and baked frinkin masterpieces..... any way beyond that **** subject... china knows good and **** well that those gymnast aren't 16 **** years old..... so what if there passports say that their 16 their **** passports are issued by the Chinese government..... the flippin communist. they want everything to be of perfect perfection, they wouldn't even let a lil girl sing their song because she wasn't cute enough. so they had a "cute" lil girl lipsing the song. thats ridiculous..... china needs to hand over those gold medals that they get because they know that they didn't earn them because their gymnast are freakin ten years.
Screw China

Cars on Poles, Dead Cows, and Iowa

There are 600 miles of separation between Floyd Iowa and Cincinnati Ohio, 600 flat, boring, monotonous miles. Corn, hundreds and hundreds of miles of corn, everywhere you look, corn, corn, corn, a barn, two trees and then more corn. Lucky for me I was traveling with Phil and Mandy who provided hours of deep conversation followed by dozens of Iowa jokes. The highlights of the drive included cars on poles, a pile of dead cows on the side of the road, and the worlds largest truck stop. Thats right folks, I visited the worlds largest truck stop, the pride of Iowa. Alas, after over 10 hours of travel, we arrived, Floyd Iowa, the new home town of our friend Zach Fox, his beautiful bride, and 425 other towns folk.

After a quick stop at our hotel in Charles City, the home of over 8,000 city folk, a McDonald's (currently closed) and a SUBWAY that serves breakfast, we were off to the wedding rehearsal where me and Phil were to be groomsmen. "Well look at that," I thought to myself, "in Iowa people dress like cowboys." I was, however, wrong, in Iowa people do not normally dress like cowboys. They dress like everyone else. At western themed rehearsal dinners that I am unaware of, they dress like cowboys. The rehearsal dinner was outside on a farm, complete with chickens horses and deep fried everything. If you are unaware of the fact that I greatly enjoy deep fried everything than we need to have a talk. Side note: The guy with the sheriffs badge was not a real sheriff and the guy with the PBR belt buckle did not ride bulls. Hey, I rode a horse. Wait, there was no sequway there, sorry.

After dinner the guys jumped in their respective vehicles and trekked back into he woods. I rode with a friend. My little red rental car may not have made it out alive. A small fire, illegal fireworks, a long rope attached to a tall tree and a pond awaited us. That was one scary rope. The brave would clench it tightly and swing the equivalent of two stories down into the darkness bellow. I could hear a splash and no one was morbidly disfigured so I can only assume that there was water down there.

Day two, waffles, swimming in the hotel pool, a free lunch at the church and then, the moment of truth, the wedding. The wedding party was quite large, well over 20 people, a party sized party if you will. The audience was even larger, about 75% the size of Floyds entire population, standing room only. The ceremony was beautiful. I didn't cry though. Ok, I'm a liar. It was like watching Bambi's mother get shot all over again. More free food was to follow. Side note: I caught the leg thingy which means I get to get married next. Watch out ladies, I'm on the prowl.

And then, it was all over and we were back on the road again. More corn, and then darkness. Hundreds of miles of murky, thick, darkness, no dead cows, no cars on poles, just darkness. 4am came and I was home again. It was a long trip, it was an expensive trip, and it was worth it.

Ak, my car Stinks

Have you ever had break failure? Breaks are an important part of a car. Mine started to sound funny yesterday. Today, while stopped in traffic, one of them locked up. Forward is my favorite direction to drive and I couldn't do it. Not only did it lock up, it fell off. One side of my break pad fell right off. At least when it fell off I could move my car again. That caused me to miss group tonight, how disappointing. At least my dad came to the rescue, again. If my dad were a super hero he would save you and then complain that its hot and your waisting his time. Deep down though, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't mind it so much.

--------------------------------------------------

Unrelated story: Yesterday I kissed a frog. It did not turn into a princess. It didn't even turn into a duchess. It was a very small frog but I just figured she would be like 4'11.

My Redneck Paradise

My beautiful redneck paradise, you have been destroyed. Urbanization and city living have ravaged you, stealing your beauty. No one cares about your goats and antiques. What they want are video games and urban outfitters. Oh where are your sideshows, pizza eating bears, midgets and the crab men. Oh how I miss seeing the worlds largest rat, the worlds tallest horse, and the diving mule standing on his platform looking down at the pool of water far bellow. Why are there no monkeys riding ponies, family circuses daring the ring of death, or lions and tigers doing tricks? It seems like just yesterday that I saw the sword swallowers and the worlds strongest clown.

As a child I went the the Hamilton County fair every day that it was open. I would brave heat exhaustion and motion sickness, absorbing and enjoying every moment. I remember setting my own personal record on the ferris wheel barrel ride. I spun that barrel in 100 consecutive circles. Skeetball was my game of choice. mainly because at a quarter it was the only one that I could afford. The fair was an event for the entire redneck family. My 85 year old grandmother even rode a few rides. It was a thing of beauty.

Now the fair is all but dead, gasping for its finale breath. Most of the rides are gone, the food vendors are scarce and the exhibit halls are half empty. They put the chickens in with the goats and the rabbits have migrated into the beef building. I was told that the fair almost didn't happen this year. After over 150 years its coming to an end.

The fair did, however, have its bright spots this year. I won 10 ribbons including oldest book and best Bible. The demolition derby was good and the karaoke was impressive. I watched an 11 year old sing the most debaucheris song in a most impressive manner. Sure, it wasn't a total loss but it still makes me sad. Goodby my Redneck paradise. You had a good run.

Still Beautiful at 120

I love antiques. Yea, I'm a dork like that. In fact I just entered 10 antiques in the Hamilton County fair which elevates me to super dork. Maybe I'll win some ribbons (super super dork). I absolutely love antique photographs. I have hundreds of them. Daguerreotypes, tintypes, CDVs, Cabinet Cards, miniatures, and photo postcards, I love them all and if you know what all of those things are than your as much of a dork as I am. The majority of my collection is from the mid to late 1800s and 100% of the people in those photos are now dead. I just recently acquired these Cabinet Cards in a box full of mid to late 1800s photos. This girl is so beautiful that I thought I would share her pictures with the world. There is just something quite stunning about her and no one has paid any attention to her for a long time. (In case your wondering how old these particular Cabinet Cards are I would estimate them to be from the late 1800's)

The Great Watermelon Challenge

Everyone has goals. One of my goals that I have failed at for the last 2 years has been to eat an entire watermelon by myself. My downfall has been buying watermelons that were just too big and eating it over to long a period of time. This year, this year I conquered the melon of water. Not only did I defeat it I did it all in one sitting. I just finished eating an entire 10lb watermelon within one hour, by myself.

When I got home tonight I was a bit hungry. I was going to eat a couple of eggs but then decide to instead start on the melon. (Quick note: Last year I met a nutritionist at a party who told me all the reasons why eating an entire watermelon by myself was a terrible idea. I can't remember what she said though) "I can eat half of this thing no problem" I told myself. I was pretty full after 50% but no, I must defeat the melon. I will not fail again. 75%, aw I feel sick, I may throw up. "Keep going" I told myself. It was like one of those movies where fill in the blank sports team is motivated the inspirational coach. I was both the team and the coach. The last two slices were rather difficult but I powered on through. The key is to just eat, eat fast and don't think. It's almost 1am so I'm not sure how I will feel in the morning. My stomach is making strange sounds. At least I don't feel like I'm going to puke anymore. The feeling has moved south. My stomach is rock hard. I didn't even realize the my body could physically hold an entire watermelon. Oh well, I WIN!!!

Walgreens a store for morons.

Walgreens, a store for morons. Now mind you, not all people who go to Walgreens are morons. I have frequented the establishment many times to buy their excess holiday candy and have still managed to maintain my high IQ. But I regress. There is a Walgreens directly across the street from my work. Posted on the outside brick wall is a sign clearly stating that there is a Police substation inside. Yet time after time, morons attempt to rob the place. It takes a special kind of moron to rob a store that has a police station inside.

Speaking of morons... yesterday, at that same Walgreens I saw an ambulance. What kind of tragic injury could have befallen an innocent Walgreens shopper on this fine day. Now I'm no doctor but from what I could tell, some middle aged lady hurt her wrist. But your not doctor, you may say, how do you know this? Well I'll tell you. When she walked, unassisted, to the ambulance she had an ice pack on her wrist. This is why health insurance is so stinking expensive. Its because of morons who insist that everything is an emergency. My wrist would have to be disconnected from my arm for me to call a crew of medical technicians to help me. I would like to think that even if I broke my wrist, as long as I wasn't blacking out, I would drive myself to the hospital. To prove to myself that this could be done I drove home yesterday using only my left hand. Being that I have a five speed this was a bit difficult and unnecessary dangerous. This means that every time I shifted I had to let go of the steering wheel, reach across my body, and shift. Ok, so I used my right hand once , just once though. My point here is that I am not a wimp who calls the doctor over every scraped knee, morons! Ok, thats my rant, continue on with what you were doing.

Games Grown Ups Play

Follow the Leader (Cops edition)
This game is generally played on a highway full of cars. The goal of this game is not to pass the cop (the leader) in front of you. If he speeds up than you are also free to speed up. If he slows down than you must do the same. The only way to win is for the cop to exit the highway. It is always fun to see a new player enter the game at the last second. Another popular variation of this game is the leader follows you. This one is much more difficult and losing can be costly.

Budget Roulette
WARNING: This game is very dangerous and should not be played.
In this game the player will need 2 checks. One check should be in the process of clearing their bank account while the other one should be in an amount equal or less than the clearing check but more than the current bank account balance. This is a game based on luck and timing. However, if the new check clears before the check entering into your account does, you lose.

The Petroleum Limbo
How low can you go. In this game you will need to use almost all of your cars gas. The closer to the E line that you get the better. However, go too low and you lose.

I Think

An assortment of events and my thoughts on them.

- A couple came into work to buy a sign. They got a post card that said "Why don't you use $30 of your stimulus check and buy a new flag. Yours is tattered. - Your Neighbors" They wanted to buy a flag that said "What ya think about this?" I think they have mean neighbors.

- My neighbor gave me a bunch of wood leftover from his remodel. I think I have a nice neighbor.

- Pringles now makes Dill Pickle flavored chips. I think that taste nice.

- My sister Hope said, "It's poring rain outside." It wasn't. That is until 2 seconds after she said that. I think thats creepy.

- I think the TV show Americas Got Talent shouldn't have any singers on it. I think that those people should be replaced with more circus performers and break dancers.

- My Dad said that he thinks that Daisy Dukes are shorts that are so short that your but cheeks are showing. I said that I think he's wrong. My mom said that she thinks that the conversation was inappropriate and should end right there.

- My little toe put a hole in my Converse All Stars. I think I may need to cut my toe nails.

- The people in the car next to me at an intersection started a conversation with me. I think that should happen at every intersection. That would be nice.

- I think, therefor I am.

My Trip to India

For those of you who do not yet know, I'm going to India. I am planning on traveling to India in late August to work with street children in the city of Delhi. I will be living with a native family there for 2 weeks. Initially I was planning on traveling with some friends but plans change and I am now going alone. I'm currently working on getting my Indian Visa. Hopefully my paper work will go through soon so that I can buy a plane ticket.

India has an estimated 175,000 street children living in the city of Delhi alone. Many of these children fall victim to drug dealers, pimps and human traffickers who take advantage of their youth and lack of resources. I will be volunteering at one of several day care centers that educate, feed, and care for abandoned children. While in India I will help to provide these children with much needed care, education, recreation, and lots of hugs.

I will be going through an organization called Cosmic Volunteers. The entire trip should cost me somewhere around $2,500. If you want to send me a check feel free. Also please keep this trip in your prayers. This is new, this is exciting, and this trip is going to be life changing.

Random Conversations

Here are some quips from various random conversations that I've had throughout the week. I won't use any names here. These are rather pointless but hey, if your board than read on.

(conversation between me and a 7 year old boy)
Boy- Do you smoke?
Me- No
Boy - Do you Drink?
Me - No
Boy- Huh, you look like someone who would.

(conversation between me and a professional magician who looks like a skinny Santa Clause)
Magic Man - I played Santa for two weeks straight in California last year. Wow, that was hard work.
Me - Huh, I figured all Santa had to do was sit there all day.
Magic Man - Oh yea, you try having 700 kids sit on your lap, all those camera flashes and and having to smile all day. Its hard work. My doctor says I can't do it again this year.

(quick excerpt)
Lady - Some day my son will have hair. Its kind of cruel that he's named HAIRison. My mom calls him HAIRLESSson.

(conversation between me and a customer)
Man - I need a big 4x8 foot banner that says in giant letters Obama across it.
Me- Oh yea, so how are you planning on hanging it, between two poles or something?
Man - No, I'm going to nail it to a giant piece of plywood in my front yard. That way no ****ing malicious Republican can rip it down
Me - (I didn't argue with him, this customer brings me homemade beef jerky. I like beef jerky.)

(conversation between me and a new acquaintance)
Person - I like your eyes. I like the color. I wish I had your eyes.
Me - Well I am an organ donor. If you ever see my car crashed on the side of the road just call dibs.

(a non-conversation between me and the postal worker)
Postal Worker - Has anyone ever told you you have pretty hair.
Me- Thank ya thank ya.

I’m a Safe Person

It wasn't all that long ago that a girl told me that I was a safe person. She had no idea how correct she was. In fact, I just bought a 500lb, 100 year old, solid steel, floor safe. Its like she was predicting the future. With the help of my friend Andrew, his pickup truck, 2 thrift shop employees and an engine hoist we got it to my house. As for getting it up that one step into my house. I just did that by myself, grrrrrrrrrr, I'm one strong (perhaps over anxious to get that safe in my house) guy. I'm going to feel that in the morning. Now if I could only get it open.

ps. For all of you antique geeks the safe was made between the years of 1905 and 1913 by Triumph Safe & Lock Co. in Connersville Indiana. For everyone who likes a deal, I talked St. Vincent DePaul down to $60 on the safe.