How to Live to be over 100

Today I had a revelation. I was walking through the grocery store when I noticed a couple of old ladies doing their shopping. The first lady must have been in her 70s and the other her 80s.

"No, not that one. Get the big pack." The 80 year old said to her friend. After all, who wants a 12 pack of beer when you can get a 30 pack. As I walked away the 70 year old was putting the 30 pack in the cart while her older friend picked out the ice cream. Today, I discovered the secret of living a long life.

1) EAT WHAT YOU WANT: Sure, you can eat all the right foods but that's no fun. "Gertrude Baines... lived to be the world's oldest person (115) on a steady diet of crispy bacon, fried chicken and ice cream." Maria de Jesus (115) also loved eating ice cream and quite enjoyed Portuguese pudding. Mitoyo Kawate (114) was know for her love of custard. Mrs. Beaterman, the lady who lived in my basement as a kid (it was an apartment) lived to be 103, her favorite food, peppermints. I can still remember eating ice cream with my great grandmother who lived to be 100. Jeanne Calment lived to be 122 eating two pounds of chocolate a week. And why not, chocolate is delicious. Sarah DeRemer Knauss née Clark (119) would agree listing eating chocolate turtles and potato chips as one of her passions. Hendrikje van Andel-Schipper (115) gave this advice for living a long life, "keep breathing and eat pickled herring." Susie Gibson ate at O'Charlies every week until she was 115. Sure, some really old people eat healthy and that's ok too. The key is, they enjoy what they eat. Eating shouldn't be stressful. Food should be enjoyed. If not than your doing it wrong.

2) KEEP ACTIVE: You don't have to exercise, you just have to keep moving. Clemet (122) took up fencing at 88 and rode her bike until she was 100. She was however "neither athletic, nor fanatical about her health." She just kept moving. The famous comedian George Burns who died at the age of 100 walked a mile a day. Hendrikje (115) was quoted as saying that along with eating pickled herring every day you "must remain active." Even at 114 Yone Minagawa was still dancing in her wheel chair. Keep moving.

3) BE POSSITIVE: Pessimist die young. Just ask one, they'll tell you. Emiliano Mercado del Toro (115) said that his secret to long life was his sense of humor. Camille Loiseau (114) "was known right to the end of her life for her humor and flirtatiousness." Geroge Burns (100) put it this way, "If you ask me what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it’ s avoiding worry, stress, and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it. Worry, stress, and tension are not only unpleasant but can shorten your life. My attitude is, if something is beyond your control, there is no point worrying about it. And if you can do something about it, then there is still nothing to worry about. " So, smile, tell a joke and enjoy life.

4) WIN THE LOTTERY: Ok, not the state lottery. That kills most people. I'm talking about the genetic lottery. Let's face it. Most of you won't live to be 100 because it's just not in your genes. If everyone related to you died at 53 than you had better make the best of your short life. I will however be living to be well over 100 and I will be eating bacon and ice cream all the way there.

Thats Not very Bachelor of You

PART I
So bought a minivan. I have to admit, a mini van was not on my short list of desired vehicles. A motorcycle, yes, a small pickup truck, yes, a mini van, not so much. In case your not the observant type, single guys don't normally drive mini vans. If I was a soccer mom with 4 kids I would a shoe in for the minivan club. I would get decals with my kids names on them and bumper stickers proclaiming how much smarter my kids are than yours. I'm not a soccer mom though, I'm a bachelor and mini vans are not conducive to the bachelor life style. Luckily for me I have no idea what that life style is.

I've been shoving 6-8 kids in my Dodge Neon every week for church. The car is only made to fit 5 so that's a bit of a stretch. If it was up to the kids we would probably have 10 kids in the car and two in the trunk. I should clarify who these kids are. A lot of people get confused and think that I have somehow fathered an entire village. The kids are my neighbors. They call me their uncle, a title I haply accept. Yea, I got a minivan. I guess somethings in life are more important than looking cool.

PART II
I found the minivan on craigslist. It's a 1998 Mercury Villager and blue books for $2,925. The guy was asking $1,800 but had just dropped the price to $1,400. I talked him down to $1,300. He was leaving the country and needed the cash. (Side story, he had prayed that morning that the vehicle would hurry up and sell. As an act of faith he tithed $130 that morning. He is a music guy at the big Vineyard so we have mutual friends. Somehow he knows these two guys. When I told him my name he said that he recognized it. He wasn't sure how or why but somehow he knew who I was. My guess he reads this guys blog) The vehicle has automatic everything. The drivers seat can adjust in 4 different ways. The van will be my second vehicle. I will continue to drive my Neon during the week. I will drive the van when I go to church, need to haul stuff around and when I am cruzzin the streets looking for single soccer moms.

Like taking Ice Cream from a Baby

I would never play a game of chicken because I would kill you and me both. I don't bluff. If I say that I'm going going to hit you in a head on collision unless you move, you had better move. And if I say that I'm going to eat your ice cream, I'm going to eat your ice cream. I don't care if your only 3. Yep, I ate a 3 year old's UDF ice cream sunday tonight and it was good. It was brownie, chocolate fudge, whipped cream, with a cherry on top. After getting her the Sunday of her choice she decided that she wanted flaming hots instead. Problem is, that was not one of the options. So, I made her a deal, she could eat her sunday or I could eat her sunday. Every few bites I would show her how much ice cream was left and invite her to have a seat and eat the rest. She laid on the floor and wined that I was eating all her ice cream and guess what, I was and it was good. She ate the cherry and I ate the rest. I don't bluff.

I know People (and you should too)

I know a lot of people, probably a thousand or two or three (I'm just making those numbers up) For Christmas one year my sister bought me a shirt that said "People know me" because she said it was fitting. Her theory is that if everyone in Cincinnati either knows me or knows someone who knows me (That's her theory not mine). My mom said if she had something strange about her (referring to my hair) people would remember her too. My mom's obviously the caring sensitive type. (She later partially recanted that statement when she realized it was mean and only partially true) I enjoy knowing tons of people. It's very handy at parties. Today I had a friend who wanted to introduce me to his pastor. He did and guess what his pastor said? "We've met before." Tonight I went to pick up something that I bought off of eBay and ended up talking to the sellers for over an hour. As it turns out I met the guys brother last week when I bought some paintings off of him.

Ok, so now I bet your wondering, "How can I know lots of people?" I'm glad you asked. I've written the following set of instructions just for you.

1) Talk to strangers.
2) Repeat step one lots and lots of times.

See, that was easy. Now you can say things like, "I know a guy who knows Shaq," or "I once met the guy who holds the world record for selling the world's most expensive poker chip." Now go out there and meet some strangers.

My First Football Game - Playing with Numbers

So I went to my first professional football game last night. Come to think of it, that would make this my first football game period. I have come to the conclusion that professional football is 95% hype. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it and had fun. My favorite part was the marching band at halftime. I also enjoyed watching the guy that was sitting in front of me. Every time the Bengals made a good play (a rare occasion) he would stand up and do the Incredible Hulk pose. He looked like he was going to go into coronary arrest. I also enjoyed the fireworks at the beginning, watching the smoke billowing from somewhere outside the stadium (I think someone torched a car) and the excitement when that one player ran real far with the ball. I don't know who he was or exactly what he did but I stood up to watch. Ok, let's have some fun with numbers.

- The minimum wage for a rookie in the NFL is $285,000 ($14,250 per game)

- The average wage for a professional cheerleader in the NFL is $50 per game
- There are on average 24 cheerleaders performing for the entire game.
- So... an NFL rookie earns approximately 1200% more per game than all 24 cheerleaders combined.

- A bottle of water a Bengals game costs $4.25 (25 cents per ounce)

- A gallon of gas cost $2.50 per gallon (2 cents per ounce)

- So... bottle of water at a Bengals game cost 1250% more than gasoline.

- The average parking space within one mile of the stadium is $25 per day

- The average size of a parking space is 180sq ft

- The average size apartment is 1,050sq ft

- The average cost of an apartment (in Cincinnati) is $550 per month

- The avereage parking space at a Bengals game cost 832% more than the average apartment.

- I was at the football game

- My brother was at the same football game

- Each of us did not know where the other one was sitting nor did we go looking.

- We ran into each other after the first quarter.

- There were approximately 45,000 people there.

- I actually don't know what the chances of this one are.

- The Bengals are a professional football team.

- Chances of them performing like one this season, unlikely.

Color Theory 101

Betsy Ross never took a class in color theory but even she knew that you don't put blue on red. That's why she put all of those white stripes there. You've got to keep them separated. Here we are, over 200 years later, and for some reason people still insist that blue looks good on red. Unlike Betsy (and my customers), I did take a class in color theory. I also have years of experience in graphic design along with two degrees (yea, just Associates). And you know what, blue does not look good on red, or vice-versa. I can't even count the times people insist that blue will look good on red, or yellow will read well on white or even the occasional orange and red combo. These are bad choices people. Why won't you believe me? Please for the love of God people, stop butchering my designs with your terrible color combinations.

Weeble Wobble is Not an Insult (in my mind)

I must admit, I once told a pregnant friend that she looked like Buddha. In my defense she was sitting cross legged and smiling. Ok, I have the feeling that I'm not helping my case here. You see the problem is I think much differently than most people. Ok, so that's not the entire problem. The second part of the problem is I also speak portions of my mind that most people know to keep to themselves. I've been known to tell pregnant women that they look like weeble wobbles or are looking a bit lopsided. In fact, I may or may not have said one of those two things as recently as this week.

Ok, before I get beaten down my a mob of angry mothers, let me try to explain the inner workings of my brain. Try to understand that even though this may not be logical to you, in my mind it makes perfect sense. In my mind telling a pregnant women that she looks large is not meant to be an insult. Never in my life have I told a women that she looks fat (my sisters excluded). In my mind large is not the same as fat. I am merely pointing out that she looks like she is about to have a baby. Having a baby is a beautiful thing. Well, maybe not the act of having a baby, that's kind of gross and bloody and usually the baby looks all pruney and cross eyed. But, after a week or two, having a baby turns into a beautiful thing. So I say, be proud of your watermelon shaped protrusion because soon it will be gone and in its place you will have a tiny, pruney cross eyed human that will eventually turn into a cute baby. Weeble wobble is not an insult.

All that being said, I here by resolve to cease making unsolicited comments about the physique of my pregnant friends.

and Now you know, Beer is not a Food

I just bought a book called Essential Lessons in Human Physiology and Hygiene for Schools, printed in 1898. I found it in a bin of books at the thrift store. It cost me 25 cents. Along with the great illustrations, here are the things that I've learned:

1) Wine is not a Food
2) Beer is not a Food
3) There is no alcohol in well baked bread
4) All tobacco users, especially chewers, are great spitters, and in this way they waste much saliva.
5) The skin consists of two layers.
6) A cold bath may be taken every day, if no chill follows. Everyone should take a warm bath at least once a week.
7) Wait 2 to 3 hours after a meal to take a warm bath or 3 to 5 minute for a cold bath.
8) Give the scalp a thorough washing and rubbing at least once a week.
9) The brain of an idiot is usually small and imperfectly developed.

List of 100 life goals number 42

List of 100 life goals number42: Preach in home church. CHECK

Over the weekend I got the opportunity to teach/preach at the three weekend services at my home church, Vineyard Westside. When I was writing my list of life goals earlier this year I reluctantly put this on the list. I wasn't reluctant to put it on there because I didn't want to do it, or I was afraid to do it. Because I did and I wasn't. The reason I was reluctant is that this was one of those goals that was for the most part out of my hands. I like to set goals that I know I can accomplish on my own. This one was for the most part up to God and the church leadership. Well, God said yes to goal number 42 and I preached the three weekend services. It was awesome. I really enjoyed it. If you missed it and have some free time here is the podcast
http://vineyardwestside.com/2009/08/podcast-peace-dan-thoms/

Old Lady with a Mowhawk

Have you ever seen an old lady with a mowhawk, a homeless man with a louis vuitton purse, a baby drinking a wine cooler, or a dog with pierced ears? These thing are not normal. Old ladies are normal, mowhawks aren't incredibly rare. However, seeing both togehter is bizare.

When I ride my new bike people look at me like an old lady with a mowhawk. My bike is a normal road bike and I'm a regular westsider. However, people who ride road bike usualy wear spandex shorts and pointy helmets. I wear jean shorts and a t-shirt. Two regualr things that, in most peoples minds, just don't fit. I had one guy slow down today just to look at me. Well, you can stare all you want because, as sexy as it may look, I'm not wearing spandex shorts!

This is Only a Test

I design signs for a living. It's not really to exciting but most of life isn't. Along with all of the other signs I design, I design quite a few church signs. When I design a sign it is important to put the most pertinent information the largest. Therefor when I design a church sign I like to make the pastors name small. The smaller the better. This is also an interesting test of sorts since it is usually the churches pastor who is ordering the sign. Will they ask me to increase the size of their name, and if so by how much? It may be wrong, but whenever a pastor tells me to make their name dramatically bigger, I tend to form a negative opinion about their church. What do you think?

Killing the Introvert Within

I've said this before but I am an introvert. And I'm not just borderline introverted. The last test I took put me at somewhere over 70%. That being the case, I generally avoid situations that force me to be surrounded by strangers. I think the perfect ratio for a crowd is 75% friends, 25% strangers. That being said, going to a party at a strangers house where I only know 2 people would normally be out of the question. That just sounds uncomfortable. However, in an effort to kill the introvert within, Saturday, I did just the opposite of my first inclination. (that's what George Costanza would do) I went to a party at a strangers house where I only knew two people. (I should also mention that I only have physically talked to those two people one time and mostly know them from facebook)

I gave myself a pep talk on my way there. I said, "you will be fun, you will be outgoing, you will be extroverted." And you know what, I had fun. And why shouldn't I, I'm a fun guy. Although one girl did imply that I was boring. She couldn't have been serious though. It was probably the Bud Lite talking. I am not boring. Talking is one of my skill sets.

Afterwords I analyzed myself and this is what I found.
1) I tend to find a place at a party and stay there. I'm not much for walking around and trying to meet new people. I prefer people to come to me.
2) I have nervous habits that included needing to hold a beverage or eating chips during awkward pauses. I drink when I'm don't know what to do so I guess it's a good think I'm not an alcoholic.
3) It takes me about an hour to become talkative.
4) I don't speak Portuguese or Spanish.
5) A 14 to 1 ratio of girls to guys at a table isn't so bad.
6) I have no sense of time and will stay at a party until 2am talking to people who used to be strangers.
7) I like strangers.

And now for some more Brazilian facts.
1) Brazilians shower at least once and often twice a day unlike Americans who are dirty.
2) I Brazil the bacon is not nearly as good as it is in America.
3) A caipira is the Brazilian equivalent of the American redneck.
4) In Brazil people generally don't come home from the clubs until after 6am.