Sometimes I take Drugs

Last week, for the first time in my life, I took NyQuil. Well, it wasn't exactly NyQuil, it was actually the much cheaper store equivalent. I was coughing so much at night that I was waking up without a voice and cough medicine wasn't doing the trick. I took the NyQuil three nights in a row and I slept like a baby. I fell asleep quickly and didn't wake up until morning, 10 to 12 hours later. After three nights of taking the medicine I wasn't coughing much at night anymore and thus didn't need to take it anymore.

But, I thought about taking it. I thought about taking it every night for a week. I had slept so wonderfully that even though my cough wasn't a problem anymore I still wanted the NyQuil. I wanted a 2 ounce plastic shot glass of it's syrupy red goodness. I wanted to fall right asleep without thinking about the days events. I resisted though. I didn't take it. As silly as it may sound, I feel that taking NyQuil when I didn't need it would be a form of drug abuse. I don't want to depend on a drug, over the counter or not, to fall asleep quickly. I may be alone on this though. I don't really know.

Scrapping License?

In an effort to curb metal thefts, Cincinnati's City Counsel has recently considered an ordinance that would require everyone who scraps metal to be licensed to do so. Upon hearing this I couldn't help but to remember that last "profession" that Cincinnati City Counsel decided needed a license, panhandling. The panhandling license program was in short, a complete failure.

I don't often scrap, in fact, I've only scrapped once in my life. I had 150pounds of copper wiring that I had been saving in my basement. At $1 a pound it was worth the short trip. When I got to the scrap metal yard I was surprised to see how little metal some of the other people were scrapping. One guy and his young son had a handful of wire and two motors. The wire may have been worth $1 and the motors a couple of bucks each. Personally, I wouldn't bother to drive to a friends house to collect a $6 debt. But to some people $6 is a big deal.

I've been the victim of metal theft, three times in fact. The first time was the worst, they broke into my house and stole my copper pipes. The second time they stole a metal ladder out of my yard and the third time they stole some metal that I was going to scrap myself. Being robbed stinks. It made me angry and I felt violated. The crackhead motto is, "A quick buck for a quick hit."

Over the years Pawnshops have taken the same kind of criticism that Scrap Metal Yards are now taking. Pawnshops encourage theft. But do they? With the right regulations such as holding times and cooperation with local law enforcement. Licensing people to scrap is not the solution. Blacklisting repeat metal theft offenders, requiring holding times on payments, paying amounts over x amount of dollars in the form of a check, and other such policies are the solution.

Top 10 Stinky Fart Foods

Some foods cause very distinctive smelling farts. This is my top 10 list of those foods.

Top 10 Stinky Fart Foods

10. Onions

9. Brussels Sprouts

8. Tacos

7. Cauliflower

6. Cheese

5. Cabbage

4. Broccoli

3. Bologna

2. Egg Salad

1. White Castle Hamburgers

God and Fools

Without out looking at your past I have no point of reference by which to judge your character. If you find yourself saying over and over, don't judge me by my past than your present probably isn't too impressive.

I shouldn't need to be verbally reminded that you are a different person than you used to be. Your actions should be proof enough. If you feel the need to remind me that you no longer do the things that you used to do than perhaps your time would be better spent working on the person that you are today. I'm not going to pat you on the back for your no longer being a scum bag because that is not remarkable, that is average at best. Be the best father possible, be a loyal wife, give money to the poor, build a pretend rocket ship out of cardboard, kayak down a river, run a race and win. Do something worth talking about. Quit complaining about how people judge you by your past. Only God and fools don't consider someones past relevant and of the two only God can see the future. Today is tomorrows past so build a past that your proud of and quit talking about the one that your not.

828 Questions About Me

There is an app on facebook that allows people to answer questions about their friends. For every question that you answer you earn points. You can then use those points to find out who answered what questions about you. So far my friends have apparently answered 828 questions about me. Being a bit compulsive at times, I took all of those questions and put them into a spread sheet and here are some of the results:

Do you think that Dan is a good friend? (19 Yes - 0 No)

Do you think that Dan can drink a Gallon of water? (6 Yes - 0 No)

I am pretty quick http://youtu.be/l1435m9z3w8

Do you think that Dan could be a Celebrity? (9 Yes - 0 No)

And as soon as I track down and marry a Kardashian I'll be one.

Do you think that Dan dresses well? (17 yes - 6 N0)

73% say yes. That's better numbers than the Kardashians are pulling.

Do you think that Dan should sing Karaoke? (3 yes - 0 No)

I have. I sang "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. It was terrible.

Do you think that Dan can dance? (9 Yes - 9 No)

Half of you are wrong.

Do you thin that Dan is fun to be around (23 yes - 0 No)

23 of you are correct.

Do you think that Dan cried while watching the Titanic? (9 Yes - 0 No)

Oh yea, well I've never even watch that movie so shut up.

Do you think that Dan has ever had stitches? ( 3 Yes - 6 No)

Maybe this will answer the question. http://vimeo.com/2855753

Do you think that Dan has ever lied in an interview (6 Yes - 6 No)

I have never interviewed for a job that I didn't get and I didn't lie in any of them.

Do you think that Dan has ever played beer pong? (6 Yes - 0 No)

I don't think any of you know what beer pong is. I don't drink.

Do you think that Dan has ever punched someone? (3 yes - 3 No)

Yes I have. I once punched my brother Phil in the face. He still fears me. Bahahahaha

Do you think that Dan has ever used steroids? (0 Yes - 12 No)

Girl look at that body, girl look at that body, I work out....

Do you think that Dan is a good athlete? (6 Yes - 0 No)

Not only that, I'm steroid free as well. Amazing I know.

A Yuppies Guide to Rap Music (A top 10 list of Rap Music Themes)

Many of you have by now probably heard of a new musical style known as "the rap music." As I am sure that none of you are interested in listening to said music I have taken it upon myself to share with you a little about this emerging genre. The following is a list of the most common themes found in said "rap music." I hope that you find this list as helpful as I did when relating to those in the "ghetto" culture.

TOP 10 MOST COMMON THEMES IN "THE RAP MUSIC"

10. Their relationships with Friends and Family

9. Acts of civil disobedience

8. Illegal substances such as "the weed"

7. Having fun at a friend's house or a local establishment

6. Their favorite color of rag (as to what they do with these rags still remains a mystery to us)

5. Diversifying their investments in things such as automobiles and precious metals

4. Drinks made of Alcohol and the many ways by which to consume them

3. Entrepreneurship, the act of making "the Benjamins"

2.Their Female associates and the many activities that they participate in

1. Their current and past position on the socioeconomic ladder and their many feelings relating to such

Why I Hate Grocery Shopping

I walk through the door and am immediately confronted with my first decision. Only two choices, cart of basket? Will I be buying much? Will any of those items be heavy? I pick the cart. That was easy. I arrive in the produce section. Should I buy apples.

"Last time you bought apples you didn't eat them all. Don't buy apples." I say to myself.

"Maybe I'll just buy two apples. But buying an entire bag is cheaper. No, just two apples. Wait, which apples are cheaper? I don't know what the difference is between these apples. I wonder which ones are cheaper. I'll just buy the cheap ones and hope for the best." I am confident that I can eat two apples.

The pressure in my head is starting to build. My eyes widen and I grip my cart a little tighter. Where to next? I try to remember what it was that I needed. Do I have rice? Am I out of mustard? No, it was toilet paper. I scan the prices trying to determine the best deal. Wait, here it is, the cheapest toilet paper. But no, wait, they are only one ply and I have to have two. The large packs seem to be cheaper per roll so I concentrate my energy on them. I'm now gritting my teeth. My eyes feel like they are drying out. Why aren't these all priced per ply? How am I supposed to figure out which is cheaper? Single roll, double roll, single roll? I wonder how much toilet paper costs at Walmart? I hate shopping.

As I leave the paper isle I can't help but to wonder if someone is going to hit my cart. It's practically a blind turn. I make it but just barely. I browse the packaged meats. I wonder if the deli turkey is cheaper but it is on the opposite side of the store? I can't remember what the online ad said. Are any of the deli meats on sale? Wait, do I need soap? I passed the soap isle 6 isles ago. I now have a headache. I try to take deep breaths and start repeating the same phrase to myself over and over. "It's going to be ok. It's going to be ok."

There are too many people here and this store is too big. I look in my cart and am disappointed with my decisions thus far. 5 pizzas, ice-cream, pop-tarts, apple jelly, toilet paper, 2 apples, a 12 pack of jello, and a pie. Why does my cart always look like I'm buying for a very small party? My entire body is tense. I can feel the pressure in my chest building. I don't feel like I have much food in my cart but I'm ready to go so I check out. I hope I don't have to do this again any time soon. Wait, ketchup, that's what I needed. Oh well, I guess I'll just eat my hot dogs with mustard. I should have bought some bread.

Friggan Awesome Blog

This Blog is Rated PG-13 (only slightly though)

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, what do all of these words have in common? If you said that they all end with the word "day" than congratulations, your mom would be proud. But there is a second but perhaps less obvious answer. All of these words were created to honor gods. For example, Friday was named after Frigga, the goddess of married love. I know what you're probably thinking, "that's pretty Friggan awesome," and I would agree.

Do you have a friend with a venereal disease? On second thought, don't answer that. "Venereal" is however yet another example of an ancient god in modern culture. The word "venereal" is named after the goddess Venus, the god of sexual love. I know that the thought of venereal diseases in unpleasant so for just a dollar....you can find an example of yet another ancient god. Horus, his entire body didn't make the cut but his eye does make a guest appearance on the back of the one dollar bill.

Do you celebrate Easter, ever been to Minerva, Ohio, seen a show performed at the Apollo Theater, eaten a Mars candy bar, had a muse, ever had something made of vulcanized rubber, or suffered a panic attack? All of these things were named after ancient gods.

So the question is this, as a Christian do I need to either rename all of these things or never again, eat a Mars candy bar, celebrate Easter, feel the emotion of panic, call the days of the week by their names, get a venereal disease or go anywhere named Minerva? Now, the last part may be easy because Minerva Ohio is over 200 miles away, and not getting a venereal disease is just a good idea in general but the rest of these things may prove to be rather inconvenient. After all, Minerva Kentucky is much closer and I don't know what to call Sunday if I can't call it Sunday anymore. I could try to give it a Christian name and call it Jesusday but I'm afraid that may just confuse people. So what is the solution?

The apostle Paul put it this way in 1 Corinthians 8

"So then, about eating food sacrificed to idols: We know that “An idol is nothing at all in the world” and that “There is no God but one.” For even if there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as indeed there are many “gods” and many “lords”), yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from whom all things came and for whom we live; and there is but one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things came and through whom we live. But not everyone possesses this knowledge. Some people are still so accustomed to idols that when they eat sacrificial food they think of it as having been sacrificed to a god, and since their conscience is weak, it is defiled. But food does not bring us near to God; we are no worse if we do not eat, and no better if we do."

In other word's, it doesn't matter. The issue is not if you call it Friday, or Easter but rather do you worship the goddess Frigga or the goddess Easter? If you can say no than feel free to keep the names because it doesn't matter. As Paul would say, eat but worship but worship the true God.

I Got What Ya Want, I Got Wat Ya Need

I'm single and facebook knows it. It's my fault, I told them. Apparently facebook finds this to be a correctable problem though because a high percentage of my personalized ads are for dating sights. "Single and looking?" "Mature women," "Single Parents," they have them all. "Looking for a Relationship in Cincinnati," Yea that's right, they know where I live too. It's my fault, I told them.

But what if I were engaged? How would that change facebooks view of me. Yesterday I changed my relationship status to engaged. And what was the new facebook ad of choice? Credit Cards. I must admit, I found this to be both amusing and slightly disturbing. Apparently facebook thinks that I can't afford to get married. Just in case marriage is affordable facebook has also suggested that perhaps I should also get a new car. I'm not sure about this whole being engaged thing. Being engaged is starting to get expensive and I haven't even found the girl yet. Maybe I'll go back to being single. At least those ads had pictures of unrealistically attractive "girls in my area."

Breastplate of Laser Tag

And another fun filled 5-8th grade Thrive class has come to an end. We spent 10 weeks playing games, doing worksheets, acting silly, eating snacks, and most importantly learning about the armor of God. This week, to celebrate, we all went to Skallywags and played three games of laser tag. There were 11 kids and me. Laser tag is fun. It is fun if your a kid and it is fun if your an adult. The first team we played were the latter and we destroyed them. Quite frankly I was surprised at how well the kids did. The second game they split us in half and the third we once again played the young adults as a team.

We lost. The grown ups beat us this time, kind of. They cheated. They cheated a lot. One of their players in particular covered his front target with a sweatshirt and turned his back one so that it was facing inward. Quite frankly I was surprised. The guy who was running the place asked him multiple times to fix it but to no avail. After the game ended I found out that some of their other players were grabbing the kids vests and then shooting them. Nearly every one of my kids came out of the game saying the same thing, "Wow, they cheated." The guy who was running the place apologized for the other teams behavior. It's too bad that the other team wasn't in Thrive because if the had been they would know about a piece of equipment that was much better than a laser tag vest. It's called a Breastplate of Righteousness. Luckily all of my kid were wearing theirs and choose to do the right thing. They didn't retaliate by cheating, they didn't call names and they didn't complain. They left smiling knowing who really won. No matter what the numbers said, the kids won the last game because they chose to do the right thing.

TV Hot List

Now and again people ask me what kind of girl I am looking for. I don't know how to answer that question. None the less, here are some lovely ladies from TV that I find attractive. A large percentage of what I find attractive about them is their personalities (or at least the ones that they protray on their respective shows). This is a short list because I don't particularly like most of the ladies on TV. These are in no specific order.

Dharma - Dharma and Gregg

Pam - The Office

Danielle - American Pickers

Whitney - Whitney

Because Every Little Girl Should Have a Doll

Being a kids pastor I get the opportunity to talk to so many amazing children. Children are so often underestimated. Their passion is written off and their ideas ignored. After all, they are just kids. But they aren't "just" kids. Kids aren't just potentially good adults. Kids can be great right now.

There is one little girl in my class who had a big idea. You see, there are little girls in the hospital who don't have any dolls, and every little girl should have a doll. So she had an idea. She would knit hats and scarves. She makes them for dolls and she makes them for people. For $10 you get a set. For every $100 she earns she buys an American Girl Doll and gives it to a little girl in the hospital who doesn't have one. So far she has bought 2 or 3 dolls.

Her dad told me that this was all her idea. It's a big idea that could have been blown off. After all, she is just a kid. But with the support of her parents she is doing it. She is changing the world one American Girl doll at a time. I can't wait to get my hat.