Thursday, October 21, 2010

...where dreams come true

Martin Luther King Jr. once said "I have a dream...." Well I also had a dream. It wasn't quite as meaningful and world changing as MLKs but it was still a pretty good dream. In fact, I had this dream on Tuesday night. In my dream my friend Chris bought me the biggest breakfast sandwich that I had ever seen. Ordinarily breakfast sandwiches are a bit on the small side. In my dream the breakfast sandwich rivaled the Big Mac, it was a BSOUS, a Breakfast Sandwich Of Unusual Size.

If facebook had been around when MLK made his famous speech he could have saved himself some time and just did what I did with my dream. I posted it as my status on facebook.* And being the Santa Clause of facebook Chris offered to make my dream come true. So, Thursday morning at 7am we met at an undisclosed location, ok it was McDonalds, to assemble the biggest breakfast sandwich either of us had ever seen. And let me tell you, it was huge. The people at the surrounding tables laughed and doubted my ability to eat it because it was also the biggest breakfast sandwich that they had ever seen. And these people were pretty old and had most likely experienced many more breakfast sandwich than I have. Composed of two McGridles and a McMuffin, the sandwich towered to an astounding height of over 6 inches tall. Luckily I, like the anaconda, am able to dislocate my lower jaw in order to eat giant breakfast sandwiches. The deed was done, the sandwich was eaten, and my dream had come to fruition. Delhi, where dreams come true.*

*facebook limits status updates to 420 characters so MLKs 9,115 character speech probably couldn't have been consolidated enough to fit.
*Delhi (Del-high) is the name of the town where the McDonalds was located. My theory is that it was originally founded by an Indian family from Delhi but they were driven out by a bunch of rednecks who could pronounce the name properly.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Aware of What?

Perhaps I missing something obvious or maybe I'm just dumb. I don't understand breast cancer awareness. I don't want to sound insensitive here. I've had both family and friends who have suffered from this terrible disease. It's terrible and preventable, kind of. But what exactly are all of these dumb facebook updates and photo changes? How does posting your bra color or changing your profile pictures color to pink help anything? What exactly is that supposed to make people aware of? Have you ever brought breast cancer up in a conversation and the person said, "Breast cancer, what is that, I'm not aware of what breast cancer is. I wish that someone would have made me aware of this serious issue by posting their bra color." Here's my theory on the matter. People do all of these borderline obnoxious "awareness" things because it makes them feel good about themselves without actually doing anything at all. It cost nothing, there is zero sacrifice and yet, somehow, you feel like you've done something noble. And yes, I realize that I may be being a jerk here. Sorry, I'm aware.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Security Cameras that I'm not supposed to play with

Have you ever wondered if you could remotely access random security cameras via the internet? No, huh, ok. Well if you did than just search inurl:/view.shtml on google. Here are some of the ones I found.

If you like cows...

awwww, puppy dogs

or maybe take a trip to Italy

or a hallway in Utah Vally University (ok, I admit, the cows sound more interesting)

how about boats

ok, I'm going to admit it right now, the content of this camera makes Utah look fun but this one is fun because you can control it remotely. I wonder at what point the owner of this camera is going to realize that people are moving it ha ha.

um I don't know where this is but they have snow

Monday, October 11, 2010

Dip Chip Ratio

I am a big believer in the proper chip to dip ratio. I have observed hundreds of people dipping chips and have come to the conclusion that most people are doing it incorrectly. After years of research I have discovered that the proper dip to chip ratio is 1 to 4. Some people, however, refuse to conform to propper dip to chip ratios. The worse offenders are of course those whose dip to chip ratio is 2 to 1, twice as much dip as chip. That is what I call greedy dipping. This always leaves you with half a bag of chips and no dip. There are of course those on the other end of the spectrum whose ratio is 1 to 10, slim dippers. Slim dippers are those who barely scrape the surface. They end up with a mouth full of chip. A room full of slim dippers requires twice as many chips. I think the only solution to this problem is education. People need to be aware of the proper dip to chip ratio. Please, do your part in educating your friends to end this serious problem. Only you can prevent incorrect dip to chip ratios.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


I remember getting my first chess set for Christmas. My parents bought it for me and I thought it was was just so cool. Every piece was hand carved in some far off exotic country and because of this the pieces weren't quite consistent. Some of the pawns were a bit chubbier than others and some of the knights were a bit taller. Every piece was unique and I've always been a big fan of unique.

My Dad taught me how to play but even then he never let me win. He did, however, give me do overs. I can remember him asking me "Are you sure you want to move that piece there? I'll let you take it back if you want." My Dad called it playing a friendly game. There's something special about the game of chess and there's something even more special about teaching a kid how to play.

On Sunday I got to teach Alexis and Myra how to play. To me there's just something magical about the entire process. It's so cool to see a child work through the logic in their head. "You could move there," I would say, "but look around, what do you think I'll do next?" Their eyes light up and they see, they understand the game. I get to be the one teach them the skills that have been around for 1400 years. And then, and then I beat them.


Sunday, October 3, 2010

Recipe for Pain

I don't normally post recipes on my blog. That really seems like a topic better left to the experts. People like Ryan However, I decided to make an exception this one time.

Pain Sandwich

You will need
2 Italian Sausages
6 Pieces of bread
3 Tablespoons of Canola Oil
1 Large Onion sliced
1 Green Bell Pepper sliced
1 Red Pepper sliced
1 Serrano Pepper
2 Jalapeno Peppers sliced
2 Habanero Peppers chopped

Take all of that stuff and fry it up. Ok, wait don't fry the bread but fry everything else. Then put all of that stuff on the bread wait an hour or two and then keel over in pain.

I ate two of these sandwiches on Friday and felt like death afterwords. I was laying on the couch watching tv curled up in pain. And then on Friday I was hungry, I had leftovers, so I did it again. Strangely enough this time it was also torturous afterwords. The burning of my stomachs lining was hard to ignore. And here I am again today, on Sunday, thinking that I would like to try just one more sandwich. I know it's a terrible idea but it just taste so good.