Your Momma Jokes - Old Testament Style

30 Day Blogging Challenge Day 1:

So I was thinking the other day, if I lived during the times of the Old Testament what kind of insults would I use. Now, I must warn you, if you don't have a running knowledge of the Old Testament most of these will not be funny to you. Shoot, if you do have a running knowledge of the Old Testament they may still not be funny. What do I know. Here goes nothing.

- Your Momma is so fat that after the walls of Jericho fell down, the children of Israel marched around her for the next 7 days.
- Your Momma is so poor that she tried to give one pigeon as a sin offering.
- When you were born you were so ugly that your Momma tried to become a follower of Molech just so she could get rid of you.
- Your Momma is so ugly that when if she were in the Garden of Eden God wouldn't have waited for her to sin to cover up her nakedness
- Your Momma is so poor that she collects 10% of other peoples crops.
- Your Momma is so fat that she made the king of Moab look skinny.
- Your Momma is so dirty that Moses told her she would have to sleep in her own tent for 7 years to be ritually clean.
- Your Momma is so big that she looks like she came from the land of Gath
- Your Momma is so old that she is listed in the first paragraph in the genealogy of King David.

The Last Piece of Chicken

I love chicken and growing up we ate a lot of it. Chicken was the meat of choice. You can prepare it in a million different ways and most importantly, it's cheap, or at least it was 20 years ago. Of the million ways that exist my family was most familiar with the fried variety. Crispy, oven cooked chicken goodness.

As a kid my mom would make one pack of chicken which meant that there was only enough for everyone to eat one piece. But, that left one extra piece. Every time, without exception, I would ask my dad if he wanted the last piece and he would say, "no, I don't need another piece, you can eat it." As a kid it was a bit baffling. The chicken was delicious and if I was hungry enough to eat a second piece than certainly my dad was too. But every time he let me or my brother eat that last piece. "I'll just eat something out of the fridge." he would say. He never said, "I'm older so I get it." or "I'm bigger so I get it." or "Because I'm your dad.""You can have it," every time.

Over the years that attitude has stuck with me. If one of the kids wants the extra taco, or half of my fries, they can have. I don't even think twice about it. Why, because that's what my dad did. I guess I now understand why he always let me have the last piece of chicken. Who gets your last piece?

Things I Like

I like...
• hearing a kid say "watch this"
• chai tea latte at the Refuge Coffee Bar
• talking to strangers while waiting in line
• hearing someone call my name from across the room
• discovering a new niche market that I can make money off of
• hot baths
• laying in my hammock (but not for too long because I get bored easily)
• driving fast
• sleeping in
• leading Kids Church
• making someone smile who is having a rough day
• eating other peoples leftovers
• picking up hitchhikers
• hugs
• my house (even though it is so so messy)
• seeing someone I haven't seen in years and talking with them like we see each other every day
• cheesecake
• getting packaging materials from my friends (it keeps me out of the dumpsters)
• telling stories (I realize that I have way to many and I do apologize)
• going the park with a car full of kids
• and lots of other stuff too

How to Ice Fish

How to Ice Fish:
Step #1 Throw a brick through the ice
Step #2 Light up a blunt, a fatty
Step #3 Drink a few beers
Step #4 Have your woman grill you some food
Step #5 Catch a fish (optional step)

And that my friends is how you ice fish. At least that's the way that it's done according to the stranger who hitched a ride with me while I was eating in the McDonalds parking lot. His lady friend and him were headed to Price Hill and had a good story so I said sure thing hop on in. You know how a lot of places don't take American Express as a form of payment? Well that was kind of the same situation here. The guy tried to pay with weed and xanax but those just aren't my cup of tea (chai is my cup of tea). Side note, how come hitchhikers never have cash but they always have weed? Strike that, dumb question. He said I looked like I that guy in Metallica (he saw them in concert back in 89'). I told him I get that a lot. You know that girl from CSI? Yea, he think's she is hot but just tv hot, he still likes his lady friend in the back seat the best. Believe it or not she used to weigh 105, make that 127, his lady friend that is. As I dropped them off I invited them to church. Who knows, they may show up. They were a bit surprised to discover that I'm a kids pastor. I look more like a pot head. I like strangers.

Christmas Shopping - New vs Used

I'm going to go ahead and put a question out there and see if anyone has a good answer. Why is it that when it comes to buying someone a present it is somewhat of a taboo to get them something that is pre-used? Why do we feel the obligation to buy them something brand new when we can get them something used that is just as good or better for a much more reasonable price? Where did this way of thinking come from? Why shouldn't I buy someone a pre-used video game instead a brand new one if it is half the price? Why do we think this way? Whose fault is this wasteful and prideful mindset?

Top Ten Best/Worst Times to Fart

I'm sure that this list will be incredibly helpful for everyone out there when faced with the question, "Should I fart now?" After all, there are good times to fart and there are bad times to fart.

Special thanks to my sisters Grace and Hope, my Mom, and my aunt Lynda, who just happened to call when we were writing this list.

Top 10 Best Times to Fart
10. When sitting next to a large dog
9. When exiting an elevator
8. When touring a cheese factory
7. While socializing with a group of Senior Citizens at a retirement home
6. When taking out the trash
5. When holding a baby
4. While lounging in a Jacuzzi
3. When walking past a restroom that is in use
2. While standing in a large crowd of people
1. When you are all by yourself sitting in a wide open field

Top 10 Worst Times to Fart
10. As the bride walks in at a wedding
9. Standing in a crowded Elevator
8. Sitting in a helicopter
7. During the eulogy at a funeral
6. Doing the back float in a swimming pool
5. During confession
4. While slow dancing at your Senior Prom
3. While proposing to your girlfriend (or while being proposed to)
2. When hiding from the police under your bed
1. Anywhere where people can smell and or hear it

A Bad Day

Monday was a bad day. It started off bad and continued to get worse and worse. By the end of the day I was convinced that I was destined to die in a fiery wreck. Now I normally a very optimistic person but I must admit, for about 30 minutes I became a pessimist.

I started off my day as I do every Monday by putting on my pants because going outside without pants on is a taboo in my neighborhood. That part went ok. The problems started when I got in my car to go thrifting. A mile and a half up the road my tire blew. I went to change it when I realized that my spare was flat as well. I used my magical cell phone to call for help but to no avail. So, I walked home. I got my van, picked up my spare and took it to get air. But, of course, the spare had a bent rim and wouldn't hold air. So, I got a new tire. I put it on and then attempted to start my car. Only problem is, my battery was dead. So, I tried to jump it. In the process of doing so I broke my jumper cables. So, I took my battery to have it charged but when I returned I was informed that it was bad. I got a new one and everything was good. That is until I took my cell phone out of my pocket only to discover that it had a busted screen. It had broken in my pocket. At some point that day I also found myself bleeding, I took the wrong exit when traveling to a place I have been a hundred times, spent an hour packaging something that I later found out was being picked up in person and went to the post office without all of my packages and had to go back home.

One friend told me that now I know what it feels like to be a normal human. Apparently I'm just not used to having a bad day. Five hours to change a flat tire seems excessive. And truthfully, I was fine with that. At least I got to take a walk, at least the battery and the tire went out at the same time and I got it out of the way, at least it didn't happen on Sunday night when I was driving 200 miles in the middle of nowhere, at least I was walking distance from my house, at least I have another vehicle, at least at least at least. But the cell phone breaking just put me over the edge. I coudn't think of anything possitive about that.

Today was better though, I made lots of money, didn't bother to get dressed until early evening, read a book, watched tv, and went back to living the charmed life that I'm used to. I guess one or two bad days a year is acceptable.

...where dreams come true

Martin Luther King Jr. once said "I have a dream...." Well I also had a dream. It wasn't quite as meaningful and world changing as MLKs but it was still a pretty good dream. In fact, I had this dream on Tuesday night. In my dream my friend Chris bought me the biggest breakfast sandwich that I had ever seen. Ordinarily breakfast sandwiches are a bit on the small side. In my dream the breakfast sandwich rivaled the Big Mac, it was a BSOUS, a Breakfast Sandwich Of Unusual Size.

If facebook had been around when MLK made his famous speech he could have saved himself some time and just did what I did with my dream. I posted it as my status on facebook.* And being the Santa Clause of facebook Chris offered to make my dream come true. So, Thursday morning at 7am we met at an undisclosed location, ok it was McDonalds, to assemble the biggest breakfast sandwich either of us had ever seen. And let me tell you, it was huge. The people at the surrounding tables laughed and doubted my ability to eat it because it was also the biggest breakfast sandwich that they had ever seen. And these people were pretty old and had most likely experienced many more breakfast sandwich than I have. Composed of two McGridles and a McMuffin, the sandwich towered to an astounding height of over 6 inches tall. Luckily I, like the anaconda, am able to dislocate my lower jaw in order to eat giant breakfast sandwiches. The deed was done, the sandwich was eaten, and my dream had come to fruition. Delhi, where dreams come true.*


*facebook limits status updates to 420 characters so MLKs 9,115 character speech probably couldn't have been consolidated enough to fit.
*Delhi (Del-high) is the name of the town where the McDonalds was located. My theory is that it was originally founded by an Indian family from Delhi but they were driven out by a bunch of rednecks who could pronounce the name properly.

Aware of What?

Perhaps I missing something obvious or maybe I'm just dumb. I don't understand breast cancer awareness. I don't want to sound insensitive here. I've had both family and friends who have suffered from this terrible disease. It's terrible and preventable, kind of. But what exactly are all of these dumb facebook updates and photo changes? How does posting your bra color or changing your profile pictures color to pink help anything? What exactly is that supposed to make people aware of? Have you ever brought breast cancer up in a conversation and the person said, "Breast cancer, what is that, I'm not aware of what breast cancer is. I wish that someone would have made me aware of this serious issue by posting their bra color." Here's my theory on the matter. People do all of these borderline obnoxious "awareness" things because it makes them feel good about themselves without actually doing anything at all. It cost nothing, there is zero sacrifice and yet, somehow, you feel like you've done something noble. And yes, I realize that I may be being a jerk here. Sorry, I'm aware.

Security Cameras that I'm not supposed to play with

Have you ever wondered if you could remotely access random security cameras via the internet? No, huh, ok. Well if you did than just search inurl:/view.shtml on google. Here are some of the ones I found.

If you like cows...
Camera

awwww, puppy dogs
Camera

or maybe take a trip to Italy
Camera

or a hallway in Utah Vally University (ok, I admit, the cows sound more interesting)
Camera

how about boats
Camera

ok, I'm going to admit it right now, the content of this camera makes Utah look fun but this one is fun because you can control it remotely. I wonder at what point the owner of this camera is going to realize that people are moving it ha ha.
Camera

um I don't know where this is but they have snow
Camera

Dip Chip Ratio

I am a big believer in the proper chip to dip ratio. I have observed hundreds of people dipping chips and have come to the conclusion that most people are doing it incorrectly. After years of research I have discovered that the proper dip to chip ratio is 1 to 4. Some people, however, refuse to conform to propper dip to chip ratios. The worse offenders are of course those whose dip to chip ratio is 2 to 1, twice as much dip as chip. That is what I call greedy dipping. This always leaves you with half a bag of chips and no dip. There are of course those on the other end of the spectrum whose ratio is 1 to 10, slim dippers. Slim dippers are those who barely scrape the surface. They end up with a mouth full of chip. A room full of slim dippers requires twice as many chips. I think the only solution to this problem is education. People need to be aware of the proper dip to chip ratio. Please, do your part in educating your friends to end this serious problem. Only you can prevent incorrect dip to chip ratios.

Chess

I remember getting my first chess set for Christmas. My parents bought it for me and I thought it was was just so cool. Every piece was hand carved in some far off exotic country and because of this the pieces weren't quite consistent. Some of the pawns were a bit chubbier than others and some of the knights were a bit taller. Every piece was unique and I've always been a big fan of unique.

My Dad taught me how to play but even then he never let me win. He did, however, give me do overs. I can remember him asking me "Are you sure you want to move that piece there? I'll let you take it back if you want." My Dad called it playing a friendly game. There's something special about the game of chess and there's something even more special about teaching a kid how to play.

On Sunday I got to teach Alexis and Myra how to play. To me there's just something magical about the entire process. It's so cool to see a child work through the logic in their head. "You could move there," I would say, "but look around, what do you think I'll do next?" Their eyes light up and they see, they understand the game. I get to be the one teach them the skills that have been around for 1400 years. And then, and then I beat them.