Tearing Down the Neighborhood

Do you know Arlon Brown? Yea, me neither. Apparently he has a thing for the houses on my street, River Road. Not all of the houses though, just the ones numbered 2500-2800 (I own 2668). At least I assume that he likes them. After all, he has bought over 30 pieces of property (only 50 more to go). He pays the owners well (I estimate $1.5 million so far). Did I mention that he also buys under the name Collins Riverside Development LLC? Good old Arlon is persistent. He keeps knocking at my next door neighbors door with new offers. My neighbor says no but he’ll sell, they’ll all sell. Well, maybe not everyone. I have no plans on moving (an anonymous City Council member may or may not have indirectly advised me to hold on to my house). After all, I want to live next door to Harbor Lights, thats what they will be calling the high rise condominiums that will be replacing the 150 year old houses on my street. I’m not complaining though. I want to live next to people who can afford to buy a $500,000 condo. I just hope that they have a pool. Rich neighbors with a pool, thats what I want. Shoot, I’d take poor neighbors with a pool. Maybe I should just buy a pool. Eh, I guess I’ll just settle for a nice long bath.

SUBWAY :(

It was the best coupon for fast food that I had ever seen. "Look at this," I told my co-workers, "This is the best coupon ever." It was amazing and we just got it in the mail. Buy any drink and get a 1ft Subway for $1. So, with excitement in my heart and a spring in my step, I walked next door to Subway. I'll take a roast beef sub, I proclaimed. I picked out my bread, "Put everything on it." I was smiling on the inside because I was about to get the deal of a lifetime. I ordered a small Sprite and handed the girl my coupon. "That will be $6.95," she said. "Um, what about the coupon?" I stammered. Another employee came to her rescue, "Oh, the owner said he didn't approve that coupon so we aren't accepting it." I was crushed, their address was listed on the promotion. They tricked me. "oh, ok then, um. I guess I won't be getting that sandwich then." I walked back to work, empty handed and confused. "I knew that it was too good to be true," I muttered. I wrote Subway a semi angry letter straight away. That was the first time that I had been to that Subway and I have worked two doors down from them for 3 years. If this happened to you would you pay for the sandwich? I think its the principle of the thing. Maybe its just me though.

I'm in Love

There she was, just sitting there across the room. She was so beautiful, so slim and so stylish. I lusted after her, to make her my own. She was 26 years old and I longed to hear her salutary sweet voice echoing across my home. I wanted to take her home, to steal here away. But alas, she belonged to to someone else. That was months ago. I tried not to think about her. Maybe some day she would become available but until then I would just settle for what I could get. Friday was that day. There she was, again, just sitting there not saying a word next to the garage. I stepped closer to examine her armless body. No arm, amazing. She was fun, able to play even when standing on her side or upside down. And that optoelectronic sensor and linear-tracking, amazing. Ryan said that he would let me have her for a deal. Alas she was mine, my love, my SL-10. Thanks Ryan, you make my dreams come true.
Her Picture

When I was 26 (aka the Birthday Blog)

When I was 26 I learned (aka The Birthday Blog)

When I was 26 I learned that...
* even though I'm not a great handyman, with the right instructions, tools, materials and a lot of patience and my dad I can do almost anything to my house that needs to be done.
* rejection stinks but its part of taking risks and is far from the end of the world.
* if your deep freezer stops working then try plugging it into another outlet because it may not be broken. (thanks Dad, I think I need to clean the mold out of my deep freezer now)
* even with my pony tail gone, people still recognize me.
* I don't need to wait.
* your never to young to die.
* if you put too much oil in a pan and then insert something frozen you are likely to set your kitchen on fire.
* being in my mid-twenties has been ok, being in my late twenties is not ok.
* I can do anything and I shouldn't doubt myself.
* pizza plus meatloaf equals a great sandwich.
* couse couse is good.
* I'm awesome (ok that one I already knew)
* The Gap outlet is a great place to buy pants.

The Dead Introvert

Sometimes the introvert in me dies. The following is a conversation from a party that my parents had Sunday where I didn't know most of the people. This takes place while getting a plate of food.

Stranger Man: Pardon me
The Dan: I shall pardon you
Stranger Man: Thanks
The Dan: Your welcome. I would hate for you to have to live with that on your conscious.
Stranger Man: Your a very perceptive young man
The Dan: Thanks
Stranger Man: You know who you look like?
The Dan: Who's that?
Stranger Man: Jesus

And that is how I met the pastor of my parents church, the Vineyard North West.

Big and Small

Who remembers that song that everyone used to sing in kids church, Deep and Wide.? Deep and wide, deep and wide.... Well this story is about Big and Small. There was a motorcycle in front of me on my way home today. The lady on the back was, let us say, not small. Her g-string on the other hand was. It was like she was wearing a black shoelace between her cheeks. I was being mooned for 2 miles. I was laughing on the outside but crying on the inside. It was so sick. Why? Why would anyone do that?

The Cookie Story

Over the years my family and I have experienced many humorous meals. You see, we were one of those strange family's who ate dinner together. There were no TVs or video games, just us, the table, and the food. If you've ever eaten with the 7 of us than you are familiar with the fact that we find ourselves to be quite funny. And now, the cookie story.

My mom, at times, can be a bit unaware. She will zone out or get so consumed in what she is doing that she will not pay attention to the small details of life , like for instance, how much of her cookies she has eaten. Faith, my sister, thought that it would be funny to take a bite out of my moms cookie when she walked away from the table, just to see if she noticed. She didn't. So, of course, Phil joined in on the action, another bite, and than another. My dad just nodded his head, "You guys are wrong." This was a fun game, why not take it to the next level, lets make her cookie grow back. Why not replace her half eaten cookie with a new more complete one. Will she notice? Nope. After about 6 bites and 3 separate cookies the truth was revealed. They told my mom what had been happening and she died laughing, turning red in embarasment. THE END

The Cincinnati Earthquake

So who felt the earthquake this morning? It happened at 5:57 (5:58 according to my clock). I was asleep but awoke with a start, scared and confused. You see, I've been leveling my house with large, heavy, adjustable posts in the basement, something that they recommend you have done by professionals. My first thought was that my do-it-yourself project had going horrible wrong and my house was falling in on itself. I ran straight down the the basement to check. Seeing that my post was still in place, I was just left confused. That sure felt like an earthquake but this is Cincinnati. We haven't had an earthquake in 20 years. Eventually though, after the fear of my house falling in on itself gradually died, I went back to sleep. Did you feel the earthquake?

The Rules Have Gone Out the Window

Everyone was done eating so I grabbed for the last piece of cheesy garlic bread. My Dad, seeing what had just occurred cried foul. "Hey, I was going to eat half of that, thats why I just go this knife," he said brandishing a blade much to large for such a small piece of bread. "Fine", I said holding out the bread out, both hands clenching the sides, "cut it in half."My dad, lifted the knife in a rather dramatic fashion and quickly slammed it down on the bread in an unsuccessful attempt to Samari it in half. I lost my grip and the bread went crashing the the floor. He picked it up, tore it in half, and we ate it. My mom, seeing the events of the evening asked my Father this question, "Since all the kids have grown up have all the rules gone out the window?"

My theory is that the rules have been slowly sneaking out the window. When I was little, there were a lot of rules, when Phil was little there were a lot of rules, when Faith was little there were a fair amount of rules, when Grace was little there were some rules, when Hope was little, there were a lot of ideas but I'm not sure if they were rules or not. My parents are currently down to 2 out of 5 kids. I think they feel some sort of freedom in that. Hopefully when the last one moves out they won't go and join the circus or something just because they can.

I Look Like Who?

Ok, since I got my new hair cut I have got a lot of comments about who I now look like. My friends who told me that I look like these people deserve to be sucker punched. I enen had an old lady, who I didn't know, ask me to say something funny at Biggs. She aparently thought that I looked a lot like David Spade. I didn't sucker punch her, she was old and I'm a pacifist. And, just a few seconds ago, a customer at work also told me that I look like David Spade. So, here are the people that I've been told I now look like.

I Stink at Fishing

"There are lots of fish in the sea," a phrase I am well accustomed to. Scientist have thus far discovered over 18,000 different varieties of fish in the sea but hey, who cares, I'm a lousy angler.

Fishing just isn't fun to me. It has been suggested that perhaps I should go online and order some fish from Russia where there are entire schools of beautiful blond fish. I would like a good looking fish, a real keeper. Catch and release is not my proverbial cup of tea (or should I say cup of sea). I don't want just a picture of me with a beautiful trophy fish, I want to keep it until death do us part.

Perhaps my problem is my fish snobbery. I am fishing for the elusive Deep-sea Christianhotandgoodlookinggirlwithgoalswholoveskids fish. Being that they are one of the worlds rarest fish and I am quite possibly the worlds worst fisherman, the chances of my catching one is quite slim indeed. I could fish for the halibut, they are quite abundant, but what if I don't like halibut? I certainly don't want a Long Horned Cow fish or a Snaggletooth, ek. I'm quite picky when it comes to my fish.

There are 3 basic dynamics involved in fishing:

1) THE BAIT. Now there are many varieties of bait that can be used to catch fish. There are some that use mirrors to attract the fish to their own reflection. Others use shiny objects to capture their attention. Sometimes I wonder if I may be using the wrong bait.

2) The Location. You can have the best tackle and bait in the world but if you are in an area with no fish than this will be of no help to you. Many people find it useful to frequent local watering holes in order to catch fish. I'm not looking for intoxicated fish so that doesn't work for me.

3) The Fisherman. My casting skills are lacking and I can never manage to real them in. Nothing is more disappointing then the fish that gets away. I always wanted to take the approach to fishing that the disciples of Jesus used. He told them when and were and then they got the fish. No skills or bait needed. I have no skills and my bate is medocre so I may need Jesus to lend me his angling skills.

Random Blog

- Todays rerun of Everyone Loves Raymond was strangely applicable to my life.

- At my brothers wedding my toast was 1 minute and 45 seconds long. It took 3 days to write, went through 3 revisions, I read 3 articles on giving a toasts, practiced it in my head and out loud a dozen times and then it was again revised when I gave it. I liked how it turned out so well that I watched the video of it 4 times in a row.

- I wish that my cars stereo was louder than my car.

- I long for the day when I have to make the big switch to a mini-van.

- I'm pretty sure that a couple of teenage girls were humming music to go along with my walking up the sidewalk. I'm also pretty sure that they thought I was hot.

- I told a friend that I was thinking about getting a fire pit and he told me that its no fun to sit by a fire pit by yourself in your own backyard. Yea, thanks a lot.

- The added bonus in my Cheddar Goldfish are starfish shaped crackers. Thats not much of a bonus.

- Sometimes I tear up when I watch touching commercials.

- I have some kidney beans in my cabinet that expired 3 years ago. Some day I will eat them but I can't remember if I like kidney beans.

- A ate goat stew Monday night. Goats tough.

- I'm afraid that some day I will realize that I am too old to be cool and will have to dress my age.

- I think I may have seen every re-run of the following shows Everyone Loves Raymond, King of Queens, Simpsons, King of the Hill, Friends, Seinfield, Fresh Prince of Belair, The Office, According to Jim.... and many more.

- I wrote part of this blog in my head on my way home from the grocery store. I even decided to write that I wrote part of this blog in my head on my way home from the grocery store as the last line.