Life is Not always Golden

My blood pressure will go up, muscle tension, trouble concentrating, headaches, trouble sleeping, I’ll even quit eating regularly for a day or two. All of these are symptoms of my anxiety. It’s weird because most people wouldn’t think of me as someone who would suffer with depression, stress, or anxiety. I put on a good front, good enough to trick most people at least. It happens though, sometimes, I’m human. Sometimes things in life don’t go how I plan. Sometimes its even my fault. Here is the solution.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus... And the God of peace will be with you.

Before you go to bed tonight or when your at work or school tomorrow, say a quick prayer for me. My world isn’t falling apart but I am having anxiety and I don’t want it.

On another note look what my friend gave me today. It's solid gold. The deal is I can’t sell it. I think its $789 worth. He said I should carry it in my pocket for good luck. I told him if he decided that he wanted it back to tell me.

Me Falling on My Head

Watch me fall on my head. I can usually do a wheelie, honest I can. So if you want a good laugh or you honestly hate me and just want to see me get hurt than this is the video for you.

I Pulled a Car with My Hair

Here is the legendary video of me pulling a car with my hair.

Pirates and Vikings (History twisted, tweaked and revamped)

Everyone likes Vikings. After all, they do have an NFL football team named after them. They are funny too. There is Hagar the Horrible in the funny pages and those Vikings in the commercials are hilarious. And what about Pirates? They have a MLBA baseball team bearing their name. There is "talk like a pirate day," kids movies about pirates, action figures and cartoons. Pirates are funny, right.

If memory serves me correct, Vikings were Norse warriors who were known for pillaging villages. Although pillaging sounds funny, I’m pretty sure that its not so funny if you were the one being pillaged. And what about pirates. Weren’t pirates thief’s and murders. To be a pirate was to be a brutal, ruthless thief.

Isn’t it funny how history can be twisted, tweaked and revamped until it bears no resemblance to reality? I wonder at what point Nazi guards and American slave owners will become humorous. Kids will dress as Nazis to trick or treat and movies will be made about the hilarity of being someones master. Yea, not too funny I know. In my mind there can be nothing funny about either Nazis or slave owners. Vikings and Pirates are still funny though, right?

What if Dr. Seuss wrote the Bible

I edited a sketch from Kids in the Hall to make a decent poem.

What if Dr. Seuss wrote the Bible?

One day God said

This is what I will do

I’ll send down my son

I’ll send him to you

To clear up this humpity Bumpity huabaloo

He will be the Christ

and miracles he do

and his pals will all call

Him the King of the Jews

He didn’t come in a plane

He didn’t come in a jeep

He didn’t come in the pouch

Of a high jumping vo veep

He came born of Mary

That was his mom

And she named him Jesus

Not Frugal, Frank or Tom

Christ spoke from a mound

Which is a pile of ground

And people gathered around

Without making a sound

And thus he spake

Sin in hearts

Hearts full of sin

How do we quiet this Jerobidy din

Do unto others asYou want them to do to you

That includes you

Young Timothy Foo

One Pharisee said to another he knew

What do we do with this uppity Jew

We can beat him with a whip

And do everything mean

And put him on top of Sam ZittleCrucifixion Machine

Twirl the gawhril

And release the gavlease

And in go the nails

As fast as you please

And he said

As he bled

Forgive them Father

For they know not what they do

They were all bound for Hell

This he knew

There was sin in their hearts

How about you?

God Loves Snowmen

My fingers are numb. I just got done making a snow man. At around 11pm I realized that this was my last chance to make one before the snow melted. I should have worn gloves. My fingers burn, some of the tips are numb and they all tingle. The snow man isn't pretty, he looks like the cookie monster, but he is done. I built my snow man.

Can God use a snow man? As I was building this monstrosity a young guy with long hair ran out of gas, right there in front of my house. What are the chances of him running out of gas at that exact point, in front of my house? Not only that but what are the chances that I would be outside, in my front yard, at 11pm at night. I'm never outside in my yard at that time. Who builds a snowman at night?

Anyhow, we pushed his car to the side of the street and I gave him a ride to the gas station. He offered me some, um, illegal substances, to which I politely refused. He also offered to stop by and drink a beer with me. I said that I don't drink but told him he could stop by sometime if he liked. Is this all just a coincidence? I doubt it.

Isolaphobia

Some times I think that I may suffer from a slight case of isolaphobia. A phobia, me? But I've always considered myself to be quite fearless. Spiders, dark alleys, and death, they don't phase me. I've jumped out of a plane at two miles high and have braved the rapids in the Colorado rockies. Most people are afraid of loosing their job and public speaking, not me. I'm fine with loosing my job and as for public speaking, not a problem. There is one thing though, one thing that causes me anxiety, being alone, isolaphobia.

When I first moved out of my parents house 4 years ago it was bad. I was so used to living with 6 other people that the prospect of silence was overwhelming. I can remember sitting in my apartment wishing that there was someone to tell about my day. I've gotten over that to some degree but it still bothers me on occasion. Seeing that I'm an introvert this seems kind of contradictory in my mind. Why do I have such intense hunger for human interaction? Last night, after being home for only a hour and a half I found myself on my way to my parents house to talk and watch a movie. It was good, it was fun but why did I need that? I didn't even eat dinner that night because my hunger for people was greater than my hunger for food. Perhaps if I hadn't grown up with so many people I wouldn't have grown so accustomed to this heightened level of interaction. I've currently managed to schedule myself so that I am with other people 5-6 days a week. I didn't schedule all of those activities with that intent purpose but I can't help but to think that somehow, someway, my subconscious did. What is the solution to this quandary? Do I need to just get over it? Do I need to except the fact that I may forever live alone in this solitude? I'm not sure what the answer is but as Winnie the Pooh would say, "Oh bother."

Why Wait?

Tick
Waiting
Tock
Waiting
Tick
Waiting
Tock
Waiting
Waiting for that phone call, that message, that email, that one thing that may never happen
Waiting, waiting, waiting.

When I left my last church and was banned from participating in any of their ministries I all but lost contact with my kids. It was painful and I felt a bit helpless about the situation. Granted, they weren't really my kids. They claim that I am their uncle, and I let them, even though I'm pretty confident that we are not related. Why though did I allow the church to cut me off from them? They don't hold a monopoly on kids. After all, I'm highly respected as a children's minister in their neighborhood and I know their mom.

Yesterday I went to their house and took them to the park. We had gone to the park once before but this time there were even more kids. I had 6 kids of them packed into my little Celica, all in seat belts mind you. The oldest was 12 and the youngest around 3 or 4. I don't think he could remember my name and kept calling me daddy. Daddy, watch me do this, daddy watch me do that.

Our first stop was Delhi park where we played freeze tag and I pushed the little ones on the swings. I played freeze tag like a mad man and ended up with a scraped elbow. 4 of my kids played plus 3 or 4 kids from the park. Just so you know, it is impossible to freeze that many kids at once (plus the boy in the blue shirt was a cheater). I let the 12 year old in the passenger seat steer my car from where she was sitting while in the parking lot. Is that irresponsible? After Delhi park we went to McDonald's (every kid loves McDonalds) and then off to another park. The kids all claimed that the park was just a little bit farther down River Road and of course the classic line was, "we're almost there." 10 miles later we finally made it. Out concepts of close may be a bit different. It was a nice park though, right along the river. It had rubber floors, a rocking boat, giant slides, bridges and lots of things to climb. After over 3 hours of playing at the park I was tired and dropped everyone off. It was starting to get dark anyways. Ministry is not confined to the four corners of the church or even to official organizations with their own letterheads. Ministry is how you live. Why wait?

My Mind Says...

Have you ever become aware of something and then, all of a sudden, it bothers you. My finger nails where probably not a whole lot shorter yesterday but today I looked at them and now it bothers me. I have become aware of the length of my nails. When I type I can feel them. When I'm sitting still, I can feel them. I've thought about taking an x-acto knife and attempting to trim them I'm pretty sure that no good could come from that idea. I guess I will have to wait until I get home.

I can never make it to lunch without becoming increasing hungry. I keep thinking about how good a pile of bacon, some beef jerky, or maybe some carrot cake would be right now. Hot fries, twinkies, and pie also sound good. I have an apple with me but, its an apple and the only way that I want apples is if they are baked into a pie. I wonder if I was married if my wife would make me pie and bacon for breakfast. That would be awesome.

This hot chocolate is so hot that it burns my tongue. This begs to question as to why I am still sipping it. At work they decided to stop buying disposable cups and to use mugs instead. This sounded like a good idea until I realized that I would have to continually be washing two mugs in the bathroom sink. Aw man, my finger nails are still too long. I need to stop looking at them.

Poetry to Food

Today I wrote and sent poems to various foods that I like via their web site feedback forms. This is by no means quality poetry.


Andy Capp's Hot Fries
Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways
One your hotter than any girl I have ever dated
Two I can't resist licking your goodness off of my fingers
Three Corn and Potatoes have never come together in a more tasty form
Four I try to eat you just one at a time but alas it can not be done.
Oh how I love thee



M&Ms
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
M&Ms come in more colors than that
and they taste better too



Pringles
Pringles, the chips in a can
Pringles, I'm your biggest fan
Pringles, you taste so very good
Pringles, I choose you above other food




Slim Jims
Slim Jims, such a manly treat
If wrestlers can eat them
than it must be quite the feat

Your meaty goodness causes me to salivate
Slim Jims the beef you eat
without a plate



Vlasic Pickles
Vlasic, a great pickle with a funny name
Your crunchy goodness has brought you fame
I hope to eat you every day
Vlasic pickles are here to stay



Kraft String Cheese
I love string cheese
its heaven on earth
I love string cheese
it has a tiny girth
I love string cheese
won't you be mine
I love string cheese
I eat it all the time


Corporate Responses to my Poems
I will post them as they come


Dear Mr. Thoms,
Your communication concerning our Slim Jim product was most welcome. I really liked your poem. We will be sending a couple cents off coupons via mail in 7-14 days.

Drano for My Mind

Have you ever had so much stuff on your mind that you couldn't shut if off to go to sleep. That was me last night. I would yell at my brain to shut up but that just added to the noise. I wold try to think about nothing but nothing always became something. If ever at some point I would in fact clear my mind for a brief moment a thought would pop up that said, "Good job you cleared your mind." That in and of it self would ruin it. Sleep was brief and fleeting. We have a love hate relationship me and sleep. I love when I get it but I hate that I need it. Scenarios, scenarios are my worst enemy. Only about .5% of the scenarios in my head ever come to volition, but still they come, the what ifs of life. Why won't the what ifs of life just shut up and leave me alone so that I can sleep. All of these what ifs make me question rather or not I am actually putting my faith in God. If I truly believe that he is in control of my future, past, and present than why all of these what ifs? I'm so tired this morning. I think need Drano for the mind.

My Modem

It was two days ago but it feels like just moments. That was the night that my modem died. I stayed up with her, watching as her red light blinked, on and off, on and off. I was scared. I didn't want to lose her, why, why was this happening. We had been together for over a year now. I can still remember getting her in the mail. Yes, I ordered her through the mail, don't judge me. Things got serious quick. She helped me with my business and we visited strange exotic lands, oh the memories.

There she was laying on the floor, dieing. I reset the computer, turned off her power, checked the phone line, called tech support, but still nothing. I did everything that i could to save her. I am still coming to grips with my loss. Sure, I've been with other modems since then. Nothing too serious though, just work modems. Some people may say I was just using them to deal with my loss. I like to think that I used them out of necessity. And of course there was that one time at a friends house. I'm not ashamed though, I needed to use the internet, I need the internet. The internet is a big part of my life.

Today I went and got a new modem. Its been two whole days. I think I'm ready to have internet back in my home again. When I get home I will hook her up to my computer and my life will begin again, a new life, a better life, a life with high speed internet.