The Devil Wears a Beak

Squirrels, rabbits, fish, chipmunks and most other animals don't bother me. We have an understanding. I don't mess with them and they don't mess with me. Birds, however, are a different story. My problem with birds started many years ago. I lived in an apartment and behind my apartment lived a rooster. The rooster was evil incarnate and woke me up nearly every Saturday morning. Cock-a-doodle-do is much more quaint when heard in the context of Little House on the Prairie. On one occasion I became so enraged that I ran down three flights of stairs in my pajamas and chased the rooster around the parking lot. That was many years ago though so I thought that the bird world had forgiven me for threatening one of their own. I was wrong.

In front of my house there is a tiny tree and in that tiny tree lives the devil. Satan has taken the form of a bird. This is quite unusual since the Lord of Darkness generally prefers to posses snakes and other such creepy crawlers. But for me he has made an exception. I first encountered the beaked devil about a week ago. I was walking to my van when all of a sudden I heard the flutter of wings. And then, before I understood what was happening, I was pecked. I ran, I ran for my life. I could see the bird following me, flying at face level. I had seen the classic Hitchcock movie the Birds so I knew what this winged devil wanted. He wanted blood, my blood. I guarded my face with my backpack as I ran, quickly glancing behind me. When I got to the street I stopped and looked up. The bird had stopped chasing me and was now sitting on the phone line staring at me with his beady little eyes, waiting for me to let my guard down. I could see the wheels in his tiny little bird head turning. He wanted to peck my eyes out. I wanted to keep my eyes so once again I put my backpack in front of my face and slowly walked backwards to my van.

And this was no isolated event. Over the course of the next few days this evil bird would shoot out of the tree as I walked by. Sometimes he would peck me and other times he would just sit and stair, daring me to make a move. I even tried walking all the way around my house to avoided the devils lair and was met by his evil stairs as he waited for me on the other side. Recently I have noticed that the bird now has an apprentice, a smaller bird that follows him around. And now I have two birds that shoot out of the tree, startling me into a brisk sprint. I'm considering having the bird exercised but I've been unable to track down a credentialed animal exorcist. Perhaps shooting it would be a viable solution. I wonder if a regular BB would kill it or if I will need to get one made out of pure silver? I may have to do some more research before I am rid of the devil with a beak.