Don't Be a Daytime Television Man Whore

So I'm off work today. I had some vacation days to kill so here I am. I spent most of the day buying and selling online but I kept the tv on in the background. One of those daytime talk shows came on and I didn't change it. It had just started and they were talking about some guy who created 4 babies with 4 different women in the same year. I don't think my reaction was typical because as soon as they said this I felt an overwhelming feeling of sorrow. It hit me so suddenly and so hard that I was a bit surprised. I muted the tv and choked back the tears. I felt so terrible for those poor children. Here their moms were acting like two bit sluts with this man whore and their kids were the ones who would pay the price. These kids will all grow up with out dads because their so called parents had the self discipline of dogs in heat. This isn't entertainment this is a tragedy. That show should have ended like another popular daytime television show. In the words of Bob Barker "Don't forget to get your dogs spayed and neutered."

A Conversation about God

By happenstance I recently was reacquainted with a friend from high school on facebook. We both graduated from Central Baptist, a small private school. This is an interesting conversation for any of you who have ever questioned the existence of Jesus or of God himself. This is a long conversation but it's worth reading if you have questions about the historical Jesus or what to say when asked these questions. I don't have all the answers but I do my best. Here is the conversation that we had. It's not a private conversation being that it is posted on my facebook wall so am just re-posting it here.

Friend: wow i would've thought a smart guy like you would've seen the man behind the curtain by now...

Me: I have. Mark 15:38
(Mark 15:38 The curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.)

Friend: ha ha humorous remark but an unfortunate resistance to reality.

Me: You are correct about one thing, I am a smart guy, ha ha. I also believe that most of religion (but not all) is indeed a ruse of sorts. Some do it for power, others money, but a lot are just misled. I would think that even you would agree that to discount all possibility of a higher power would also be an unfortunate resistance to reality. After all, universal statements can neither be proved nor disproved and the human mind is much to small to explain 99.9% of what exists. I believe that God is bigger than what I imagine him to be. If he is real than he has to be. If I were to argue for my beliefs, I would say that it is not based purely on history, science, and my small minds sense of logic but also upon my personal experience.

Friend: great retort my long lost friend. i shall retire briefly to compose my response.

Friend: certainly religion is a ruse in most cases, little more than an overgrown example of the ills of the traveling quack physician of centuries past. and certainly my knowledge and reason are lacking when faced with the all encompassing questions of the universe. while it seems fair to say that whatever started this ball o' rock a' spinning will never be answered in full detail while we yet breathe. never the less it also seems clear that there are prospective answers that are, how do i put this delicately, less than likely to be correct. one would have to agree that information coming from the time-frame in which most religions were started is highly suspect at best. but personally i believe that our parents hitched our sails to the most absurd of the lot. certainly the big three who start with abraham are similar enough to detest but the tale of christ is that of johnny applesseed or paul bunyan to me. or worse yet because the hero is not someone i could ever exalt and the evil to which he was sent to protect against was mild in comparison to the evil from whence he is said to have come.

Me: Well, I guess if I can get you to agree to be agnostic rather than atheist that's better than nothing. In an interesting side note, my father was an atheist for years before coming to Christ. He was neither convinced nor contrived into doing so. It didn't even happen at a church or with a street corner preacher. It came from personal experience in his car. Do you deny the existence of Jesus, the divinity of Jesus of or both? From a historic aspect the existence of Jesus is pretty well documented as far as 2,000 year old historical figures go.

Friend: yeah no doubt there was a man named jesus who did some crazy things and spoke some new concepts into an old world, but his divinity will never be anything but a joke to me. paul bunyan and johnny appleseed were real people too, but with time they became greater in stature and capability than any rational human being would believe, and yet for some reason greater attributes from a time further back are accepted and wars are started for the belief. to me this is the greatest absurdity of all time. i mean these people were stoning anyone who said the earth was round despite seeing the sun and moon "hanging" in the sky.

Me: Human nature, being what it is, will take anything, good or evil, and use it for self-enrichment. Rather that be the name of Jesus or saving the earth from pollution, anything is game. The difference between the examples you gave and Jesus is Jesus was written about in bigger than life terms by multiple writers within a relatively short period after his works were said to have been performed. They were written about not only by followers but also by Jewish and pagan historians. Not only was Jesus talked about as being perfect in the Gospels, it's writers showed themselves in an often less than flattering light. If the gospels were nothing more than a well written stories, why did the writers not make them selves also look better. What was the point. It is true though that proving the divinity of Christ is all but a futile argument.

Friend: i must have missed something there, who are these historians outside christianity that wrote about him? i have no doubt that an easily deceived writer may have believed what he wrote, just as i can see it in daily life as americans are easily deceived and fervently defend something to which they have no evidence. and if i may make so bold, the point was then as it is now and has ever been and likely will ever be, the almighty one: Gold.

Me: The most important one would be the Jewish historian Flavius Josephus. Some other ancient writers that talk about Jesus would be Cornelius Tacitus, Suetonius, Thallus, Pliny the Younger, and Lucian. The Jewish Talmud also talks about Jesus. Some are positive, some are negative but all reinforce the existence of Jesus as a historical figure. It's been a while since I've read any of them but I'm sure you could google what each one says.

Friend: i have now looked again upon that which i once read and again expected. in this list of writers there is no certainty gained, the Josephus text is widely considered fraudulent, tacitus and Pliny spoke only of the persecution of christians. lucian was born long after the fact and was considered a martyr as he was a christian. unless you are ... See Morereferring to a different lucian. and the seutonius remark is less than vague and fleeting in length. im not saying there wasn't a historical jesus, but none of these are good examples that there may have been. you should reread those i think,

Me: Pliny spoke of the persecution of Christians in the 1st century. Lucian was about 100 years after the fact but from what I read he was a pagan. I don't find the Seutonius remarks to be all that vague but I guess to each their own. As for Josephus, only the first reference to Jesus is debated, the second shorter reference which reads "the brother of... See More Jesus, who was called Christ."" is generally agreed to be untampered with. Of course there is also Mara Bar-Serapion, and The Babylonian Talmud. Also many of the places and characters in the New Testament have been confirmed accurate through archeology. I think you will find that most classical historians agree that Jesus did exist but like I said his divinity is unprovable.

Friend: yeah most of the references made were about the knowledge of an uprising and a persecution of its followers. again i say, undoubtedly, there was a man named jesus, but his capabilities and attributes are grossly exaggerated. just as there was likely a man named moses, and a man named muhammed but their true meaning is like to that of Martin Luther... See More King jr, great men with great deeds but not gods not saviors.
furthermore, even were the tale true, and the god of the old testament was truly the one god, still i would not bow for to me he is not worthy of praise in any manner. but i sleep well none the less, because there isn't even an inkling of doubt in me that this might be the one true way. why should god need money, all knowing, all powerful but he cant manage a bank account for some reason? why would jealousy be a sin but actively evidenced by god? there are not only too many questions with too few answers, the available answers are down right unfathomably offensive.

Me: This all leads to one key question. What is good, what is evil? Is there such a thing or is it all relative. Is man somehow born with a sense of right and wrong and if so why and how? Are there absolutes when morality is concerned and if so then why? What is your opinion on this seeing that you already know where I stand.

Friend: oh that's a bundle, gonna take a few at least.

Friend: well i certainly don't believe that there is an inherent notion of good and evil in us, where it is gained and how are matters for debate I'm sure. but i tend to lean on the nurture side of the argument. as for absolutes in morality, its tough to say i would say that situational ethics is a more viable choice. while it seems like it might be easy to think of an example of something that's always wrong, i don't know that that is enough. i don't claim any religion, but i would say that taoism lines up most closely to what i believe. i think perhaps if you read up on tao you will understand my perspective better. but i don't believe in the duality of good and evil or god and the devil.

They Sell Bubble Bath at Kmart

That girl sure liked to talk. We talked and talked and talked, mostly about movies and rather or not the movie characters were real. In case you were wondering the talking fish in Finding Nemo are not real and neither is Batman who lives in Gothem, a pretend city. I was however at a loss as to how to describe what a robot is.
"I took a bath this morning." she informed me.
"Me too." I said.
"I took one with bubble bath." she excitedly proclaimed, "Did you take a bubble bath?"
"No I didn't" I admitted.
"Why nooooooot?" she inquired.
"Well, I don't have any bubble bath."
"They have it at Kmart." she informed me.
"Well then maybe I will have to buy some for next time." I smiled.

He shook my hand and then asked an important question. "Are you my buddy?"
"I sure am" I said.
"I love you, do you love me?" he wanted to know.
"Yes I do love you." I replied.

She was probably only 4 feet tall and walked bent over with a walker. I don't think she knew how to talk. She did however know how to laugh and that may be more important. She was fan of slapstick. When my mom accidentally dropped the Christmas tree on the floor she cracked up laughing. I really think she would enjoy watching the Three Stooges.

He didn't talk much. I didn't hear him say one word. He sure did enjoy music though. When the music came on he would hum along and sway side to side. He was good at swaying.

I don't remember much about her but I do know that she said that she wants a top hat for Christmas. A top hat, that's a great Christmas wish. Another guy said that he wanted popcorn for Christmas but personally I would rather have a top hat.

The only words that I heard him say were "bye." He walked with a bit of a sideways limp and he walked fast. High fives and asking the time were his things. He seemed excited and would often put his fist in his mouth. A nervous habit I suppose. He point out the window at the snow. "I like snow too" I would say. If he was sitting he wanted someone to sit next to him but most of the time he was walking. He really liked to walk.

I did puppets with my mom today at a home for the mentally disabled where she works. It was a Christmas party. Everyone likes a party. This was a new experience for me. It wasn't uncomfortable and it didn't feel strange, it was just different. I wonder what it's like to never grow up, for your mind to remain in a state of suspended animation. I felt a lot of emotions while I was there. I think most of them were happiness. I like seeing people smile. I was happy that they were happy and most of them looked happy.

21 Things I've Never Done

- I've never been to a Starbucks
- I've never owned a cell phone
- I've never drank a Red Bull
- I've never bungee jumped
- I've never had sex
- I've never carried health insurance
- I've never owned a pair of boxers
- I've never watched the movie Forest Gump
- I've never owned a car with electric windows
- I've never drank an alcoholic beverage
- I've never broken a bone
- I've never owned a brand new piece of furniture
- I've never been to the Newport Aquarium
- I've never used a cell phone to send a text message
- I've never played an organized sport
- I've never been hunting
- I've never taken a ride in a helicopter
- I've never been trick or treating
- I've never thrown a piece of garbage out of my car window
- I've never used my recycling bin
- I've never owned a dog

+ I've never given someone the finger

Perspective

Perspective is:

I went bowling. My friends were celebrating because they broke 100 by getting multiple strikes in their last frame. The guy in the lane next to us was angry because he only got a 289.

A guy at the bowling ally told me that Great Clips could cut my hair for $5.99. He didn't mean for me to hear it. I did. I thought it was a great opportunity to start a conversation with a stranger.

While waiting in line for a ferry at Elis Island the line was cut off at me and my brother. I immediately let out a "Wohoo" and proclaimed "we're first in line."

I paid $2.50 to cross a bridge in New Jersey. I thought it was a great deal after paying $8 to cross a bridge in New York.

The auctioneer at the auction I went to a few weeks ago said he was going to be moving pretty fast. The people behind me said they couldn't understand a word he said. I left after an hour because he was so slow it made me want to scream.


I heard a lady at Kroger say that, "It's creepy as H*** when you open the refrigerator door at the grocery store to get some milk and you hear talking back there." My Dad says that if they are ever out of milk at the store you just open that door and yell back there, "Hey you guys have any more milk back there?"

One of the grocery store employees walked up to me the other day and called me Jesus. He then asked if I wanted to see his impression of the Virgin Marry. How could I refuse an offer like that. So, he took a large gold plate that he was holding and put it behind his head. Yep, that kind of looks like her.

White People Don't Know Jack About Hats

Whatever happened to white people wearing cool hats? Remember Abraham Lincoln? Now that was a nice hat. There was a day when everyone wore hats. Women wore there wide rimmed sun bonnets and gentlemen wore their fedoras and derbys. But not anymore. White people just don't appreciate a good hat. This is however not the case with all the races. Black folks still understand what it is to wear a nice hat. I went to a predominantly black church last night and let me tell you, they know their hats. The women have hats, the men have hats and I even saw a baby wearing a nice hat. The men wore their fedoras and the women wore every matter of hat imaginable. Everywhere you looked people where wearing nice hats. Big hats, small hats, hats with flowers, hats with animal prints, hats that shined when the light hit them, and hats that were subtle accessories. Hats, hats, hats, everywhere nice hats. It's not like that with white folks though. The problem with white people is they only understand the ball cap. Sure, they will wear the ball cap and an adventurous few will sport a golf hat but that's about it. What is wrong with all of you white people? What do you have against wearing nice hats? Come one folks, remember Abraham Lincoln. Now that was a nice hat.

Who Asked You?

On facebook there is this silly application where people can answer question about you. Unfortunately I can't see who said what. Never the less, here are the questions and the answers given. I will correct the ones that need to be corrected.

1) Would Dan Thoms make a good spouse? Yes
(You know you want me don't ya you dark sexy stranger on facebook you.)

Do you think that Dan Thoms would look good in a bikini? No
(The correct answer to this is actually maybe. Wait, let me use my imagination, hmmmm, ok maybe not.)

Would you trust Dan Thoms with your life? Yes
(Hmmmm, well then, what shall I do with your life.)

Do you think Dan Thoms has ever pulled an all-nighter? Yes
(I actually never have. I was always one to study way too much and way in advance.)

Do you think that Dan Thoms swears like a sailor? No
(I did curse one time. Yep, just once, I think I was 12. I'm not going to tell you which word it was but it wasn't nice.)

Do you think that Dan Thoms smells? No
(This is half right because I smell of sweet sweet roses)

Do you think Dan Thoms is cool? Yes
(This was an obvious one)

Does Dan Thoms have a face only a mother could love? Yes
(Ok, whose the wise guy who answered this one? Whomever it was is obviously in love with me and is hiding that through insults.)

Do you think that Dan Thoms has showered today? Yes
(I took a bath. I think that counts. I'm not Brazilian though, so I don't shower twice a day. Dang fresh smelling Brazilians.)

Would you trust Dan Thoms with your life? Yes
(Sweeeet, another one)

Do you think that Dan Thoms is a freak? No
(Only at night because that's when the freaks come out)

Do you think that Dan Thoms is tone deaf? No
(I like to think of myself as tone disabled)

Do you think that Dan Thoms has ever lied to avoid a date? Yes
(Um, I don't remember ever doing this. I bet this was answered by either a very old friend or a family member)

Do you think that Dan Thoms has ever done anything they're ashamed of? No
(Yeaaaaa, um, stutter*, uh, yea this is the correct answer)

Do you think that Dan Thoms has ever lied in an interview? No
(Not only that I've gotten every job I've ever interviewed for.

Do you think that Dan Thoms has ever stolen money from their friends? Yes
(Sucker please, I don't need your money, I've got money.)

Do you think that Dan Thoms has ever gone to a strip club? No
(Correct, I have never gone to a strip club. Maybe I can steal my friends one dollar bills and take a trip though. Then again maybe not.)

Do you think that Dan Thoms has ever gone hunting? Yes
(Surprisingly, unless you count antique hunting, I have not)

Do you think that Dan Thoms has a deep dark secret? Yes
(Not one that you'll ever know.)

Do you think that Dan Thoms has ever given money to a homeless person? Yes
(True statement.)

Is Dan Thoms fun to be around? Yes
(Hooray for me.)

Anual Christmas Blog

This post is a re-post from last year. Love it, hate it, leave a comment and state your case.

While I was in India I had the pleasure of getting to know an older, gray headed Englishman by the name of Keith. Keith and I shared a 10x10 room , went to work together on the worlds most crowded bus, and lived life together for those two weeks. Needless to say we had many fun and enlightening conversations. Keith is a devout atheist while I am a devout follower of Christ. This no doubt led to some interesting conversations. I can remember walking down the street one day when Keith looked at me and said,"You know, I used to believe in Santa Clause."

I chuckled, "I know where your going with this," I said. "I've made this same argument, for different reasons of course but still, the same argument."

"I used to believe in Santa Clause but then I grew up and found out that he wasn't real. You know I used to believe in God? But then I wised up. God and Santa, both imaginary, things people make up to make themselves feel good. They may be fun but they aren't real."

Keith was a logical person, an intelligent person, well read, a world traveler, and this was logic. Keith wasn't the first person that I've come to know who as a child or as an adult came to these same conclusions. After all, they are logical. My mother is one of those people who for a period of time doubted the existence of God for these same reasons.

At what point did tradition trump morality? When did it become acceptable to lie for the sake of fun? Right and wrong isn't determined by the out come of a situation, family tradition, how fun it is, or what everyone else is doing. I'll leave you with a few more stories that I've been told.

"It was a let down. I was in second grade and had suspected there was a cover up for a while. The creepy thing was, I told my mother I knew there was no Santa and she got this peeved look in her eye and said, "Children who don't believe in Santa don't get Christmas gifts". I was stunned. So, I said, "I guess I believe then". With that bit of creepiness, I went on to pretend to believe in Santa for years. Strangest part is that she responded similarly when I stopped being Christian."

"I can't remember how old I was (probably around 8). I remember I was obsessing about getting my Christmas list done so I could give it to Santa. I was trying to find good paper for it and I was probably annoying my parents to no end. I remember getting a slip of wrapping paper and announcing that I was about to write my list.

That's when my dad told me to come to him. He said that they made up Santa Clause and that he wasn't real. I was devastated. I really did believe in him with all my little heart. It felt like the magic of Christmas shattered before my very eyes. He said that all parents tell their kids the same story. I asked why they would do such a mean thing- to make them believe in something and then tell them it isn't true. He said that it was so parents could give gifts to their children without taking the credit for giving them. I understood that side of the argument, but I was angry and heartbroken that parents would put their children through that. I asked him why he told me and he said it was because I was old enough to know.

After that, I didn't want to write my list. He told me to do it, though, and so like a good little girl I obeyed. However, the list seemed to be significantly less important to me that year.

It never occurred to me to question the existence of God right then and there, but I did wonder about it later. I mean, if they lied to me about one man doing miraculous things, why wouldn't a supernatural, all-seeing, all-knowing being be a lie as well?

I know it seems nothing, but I really did believe in Santa with every fiber of my being, and that experience was absolutely unforgettable. Since then, I have vowed never to tell my children about him- or at least I would say that it's just a story from the very beginning. Strangely enough, I haven't changed my mind all these years. "

Women Seeking Life in Romantic Comedy

Have you ever joined a dating site? I'm a member of Yahoo dating, kind of. They send me emails telling me who they think my perfect match is. I usually delete said emails with the rest of my spam but every once in a while I'll take a quick look. Anything more than a glance cost a subscription fee so a glance is good enough for me. It's kind of interesting seeing how girls describe themselves and how they describe what they are looking for in a man. Some are good, some are well, some are this. Now I don't expect you to read the entire thing but go ahead and skim this description of what this girl is looking for.

"Hmmmmmm.....I am waiting for Mr.Perfect to come along sweep me off my feet, the creme de la creme...because I´m worth it!!!...as much as I ask, I give. So here´s the gauntlet list! :) Beautiful inside and dashingly handsome on the outside :) someone who takes care of their body, mind and soul. A gentleman. A spiritual person who appreciates nature. Family orientated. Committed. Mentally sound, genuine, without overgrown ego. Completely honest and open, able to apologies, forgive and forget and see the funny side, a go getter, skilled and capable, an arty creative type, totally dependable and reliable... someone who REALLY knows how to and takes pleasure in treating a woman with respect and showering her in love, tenderness, good times and pleasant surprises! A good listener, patient and undemanding. A thoughtful and imaginative romantic, someone who gives lots of their time, support, love and attention, but is secure and mature enough to give me my own time and space too. Responsible, fair, communicative, wise, funny and funloving. Tidy (at least ish!), helpful and responsible. Successful and generous. Energetic, fit, adventurous, sporty, broadminded, intelligent, confident and sociable. A passionate, thoughtful and adventurous lover who equally enjoys cuddles and holding hands. Sensible,(ok, most of the time!)with the ability to see and plan ahead, non judgmental, ethical, non racist. No boozers or druggies please. If you´ve got this far and you´re still smiling and thinking yup, that´s me" I´d like to hear from you!"

I don't know about you but I started feeling inadequate about 7 words into this ad. After 7 lines I knew that I was absolutely unqualified. After reading all 20 lines I figured out what the problem was. I'm not a character from a romantic comedy. Think about it. This was the perfect description of the leading man in any movie that can be described as "heart felt, romantic, and funny." Granted, I'm now eliminated myself from the list of possible suitors by being "judgmental" but hey, at least I'm still not a "boozer."

Have Two - Will Sell Duplicate

People will sell almost anything when they are hard up for cash. Craigslist is a living testament of that. The other day I was browsing the international crailgslist listings when I made and interesting discover. People were offering for sale some things that are near and dear to them. By near and dear I am of course referring to their kidneys. How hard up for cash to you have to be to offer to sell a body part? Now this practice is of course illegal. It does not however prevent people from trying. I came across 3 ads that were ongoing and at least 3 or 4 more that had been shut down.

- i am a 24 year old male, clean lifestyle, in need of money, 80k plus you pay for all med bills.

- Desperately seeking money. Will sell kidney to anyone in need. Help me by helping you.

- Kidney for sale. 50,000

So, next time you think that your having financial problems think about these folks..

Pwnd

Last night I was totally pwnd by the 5th and 6th grade Thrive class. Never in my life have I had a group of kids destroy me like that. Granted, they weren't all bad the entire time. Some of the kids were even good the entire time. The problem is there were 10 of them and 2 or 3 of them were not only bad they were influential. There's one thing that I'm 100% certain about, that will never happen again. Mothers will be called and kids will be asked not to come back the next week if they ever act like that again. Up to this week the kids had been relativity well.

On the positive side I don't think they will ever forget my visual aid for when we talked about the helmet of salvation. Think military Kevlar helmet and a large knife. And if that sounds dangerous to you, your wrong. It's not. It just looks dangerous which is the whole point of wearing a helmet. Next time we are going to talk about the breastplate of righteousness. I'm bringing a military flak jacket. But don't worry, even if I get the urge, I will not be shooting any of the children. Next time they will be well behaved, I'm sure of it.

A guide on How to Deal with the Paparazzi

Now mind you I have never at any point in my life been famous. No one makes a living taking pictures of me in awkward situations. If I want people to see me in awkward or embarrassing situations I have to take the pictures myself and then post them on facebook. Even though I ma in no way qualified to do so, I have written the following guide on how to deal with the Paparazzi.

1) Make them homemade cookies. Put laxatives in the homemade cookies

2) Everyone has a mom. Get the name and phone numbers of the paparazzi's moms and then call their mothers and complain about how their sons are bothering you.

3) Drive a 1986 Honda. When the paparazzi recognizes you say your flattered but your someone else and hit them up for gas money.

4) Hire someone to follow them around taking pictures.

5)Invite the paparazzi over to take pictures of your new baby. When they get there insist that they agreed to babysit, give them $10 for pizza and go see a movie.

6) Give them photography advice and insist that they are doing it all wrong.

7) Travel with a fat guy who walks backwards in front of you mooning the paparazzi.

8) Answer all of their questions using the Socratic method.

9) Where a hijab.

10) Only travel with people who are much more famous and interesting than you.

Devils Advocate

I was recently accused of playing the devils advocate so in honor of that accusation I wrote this blog.

Devil's Advocate: Someone who takes a position he or she does not agree with for the sake of argument. This process can be used to test the quality of the original argument and identify weaknesses in its structure.

The Devils Advocate was the common name for the position of Promoter of the Faith (a canon lawyer) in the Catholic church. It was the Devils Advocates job to argue against the canonization of a candidate. The Devils Advocate (Promoter of the Faith) would argue against God's Advocate (Promoter of the Cause) in the decision of rather or not the title of sainthood should be bestowed upon a candidate.

The Devils Advocate, although not always well liked, did play an important role in the Catholic chuch. Being called a Devils Advocate reminded me of a time when Iplayed the part of Devils Advocate in a very literal way. This happened years ago in the Sr. High Sunday School class that I substitute taught. The teacher had the idea of putting the divinity of Christ on trial. There would be two lawyers, witnesses and the teenagers would be the jury. I played the part of the devil. I tricked the witnesses into quoting scripture out of context, confusing prophecy, and twisting the truth. And, in the end, the unexpected happened, the devil won. At first that may sound like a Sunday School fail. After all, this was Sunday School and God is always supposed to win, right. The students went home confused, questioning their faith. A lot of them had never read the scriptures for themselves and just relied on what they were told. Jesus is God because the pastor said so or because their parents said so. But now, what was true? This forced them to wrestle with and take ownership of their own faith. They went home and they read the scriptures for themselves and in the end saw past my tricks. In the end I lost and God won.

Video Tour of My Art

This video is about 3 minutes long and the quality doesn't do the art justice but it will give you an idea of what I have hanging. If you want better quality come over and see the stuff yourself.

Video Tour of my Art Gallery (hallway) from Dan Thoms on Vimeo.

(don't) MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

It is important in life that you do not always mind your own business. After teaching 5th and 6th grade Thrive tonight, Myra one of my non-biological nieces, and I made a quick stop at the McDonald's drive true. Although it turned out to not be so quick. Side note: America is getting fat because they are going through the McDonald's drive through at 9:30 at night. There were about 5 cars in front of us and one behind us. As we sat there we could hear a voice, a loud angry voice coming from the car in the rear.
"Why are you f***ing sighing when I talk to you?"
"I was just sighing, that's all."
"What's f***ing wrong with you? Don't you sigh when I talk to you? Do you hear me? Don't you f***ing sigh."
And it went on and on it went. He yelled and cursed and yelled and cursed. Finally I was the next person in line. She was crying by now and he was still yelling. And that's when I made the decision to put my car in park, take off my seat belt, open my door, and walk back there. That's not something that I normally do nor is it something that I particular enjoy doing. It's a good way to get beat up.
I put my hand on his window and looked in. She was a mess. Her hair was covering her face and she was sobbing. He looked up at me and I said. "Is everything all right back here?" As he looked up at me and I could tell, he wanted to kill me. If we weren't in a public place he would have punched me right in the face. And let me tell you, that's a fight he would have won and not just because I'm a pacifist. The look in his eyes was pure evil.
"Mind your own business." he said.
"Is everyone all right back here?"
"Mind your own business." he said again through clenched teeth.
"Look, if I hear a women crying I make sure she is ok."
"I said mind your own business."
"If there's a women crying I make sure she's ok, are you cool with that? Ok. Ok."
As he glared at me I walked slowly back to my car. There was really nothing I could do. If a man will treat a women like that in public how does he treat here at home? And he did all this with their small child in the back seat. I guess at least she knows someone cares. As I pulled up to pay for my food I asked the cashier if I could pay for the peoples food behind me and he said sure. And then I left. That was it. If you think about it say a quick prayer for these folks, whoever they are. They need it.

Your It

There are normally two reactions. There are the parents who see us and are scared for their kids safety and there are the parents who say, "just ask if you can play too." When the kids and I go to the park we play tag. And when we play tag we play hard. We run fast, jump far, go the wrong way on slides, fall down, get up and then run some more. I always come home with bruises but that's ok. Some things are more important than that ever looming to do list. Tag is one of them.

Random Stuff

- The guy in front of me at the dollar store paid with a $100 bill. Big ballin. He could have gotten 98 more items.

- I saw a little girl walking down the street in a Halloween costume today. At least I hope it was a Halloween costume because she had blood coming out of her mouth.

- Two of the girls in my 5th and 6th grade class wanted to fill their bowls up with water and drink like dogs. I said ok and they did.

- I went to a costume party dressed as my friend Adam. I didn't tell him that I was planning on doing this. He showed up at the party wearing the same shirt as me and a headband similar to mine. Coincidence, perhaps, strange, yes.

- I bought three cordless phones at the thrift store for $3. One needed a battery. So heres a math question for you. What is a better deal?
a) You can buy a new battery at Best Buy for $18 or b)you can buy a new phone with a battery in it for $16. If you chose a or b than you were wrong. The answer was c)buy the battery directly from Hong Kong on eBay for $3. And if you were wondering, but is it hand made the answer is why yes it is. The auction says it is a hand made battery.

- My microwave meal says the the internal temperature of my food should be 165 degrees as checked by a food thermometer. Using a food thermometer would kind of defeat the entire purpose of eating a microwave meal now wouldn't it?

- I slipped on something, fell in the grass and hurt myself. I thought that I was unlucky until I saw that there was a dead slug on my knee. That's one unlucky slug.

What I've Learned (from teaching 5th and 6th grade)

Things I've learned from teaching 5th and 6th grade on Wednesday nights at the Vineyard Westside.

1) If you do a craft involving paint one of them will cover both of their hands with paint.
2) If one kid covers both hands with paint at least two more will follow suit.
3) If three kids cover their hands in paint one of them will take it to a new level and paint their face blue.
4) The three with paint on their hands will then smear it all the way down the handrails so that another 10 kids can also have painted hands.
5) No matter what you do one of them will say in a dramatic tone, "Why are you doing this to us."
6) Eight 5th and 6th graders can eat a combined 40 s'mores.
7) If you let them serve themselves ice-cream at least four of them will take approximately 25% of an entire container.
8) They will have licked half of it before you can tell them to put it back.
9) A 5th or 6th grader cannot eat that much ice-cream. Shoot, I can't eat that much ice-cream and I can eat.
10) If you do anything outside at night the neighbors pit bull will be annoyed as will the pit bulls owner.
11) A room full of 5th and 6th graders has more energy than the rest of the church combined.
12) The key to teaching 5th and 6th grade is to take lots of deep breaths.
13) One 5th grade girl can eat 10 s'mores. That's over an entire pack of Hersey miniatures.
14) If they had an anthem it would start with, "look what I can do." and end with, "mine is better."
15) Teaching this class is both mentally and physically exhausting.
16) I have one goal for this class. I want these kids to know that life is bigger than what they want.
17) This will be worth it.
18) This is worth it.

Where you wearing Pants?

Have you ever had a bad or confusing dream? I had one of those last night. Now this dream may not sound bad to you but it was to me. In my dream my brother told me that he no longer wanted to go to auctions. He said that it was a waist of time and wanted to focus only on high value items. From that point forward he would only be leaving left bids* at auctions. Now that is what you call a dumb idea. For one thing leaving bids is generally a bad idea. The live bidders always have the advantage and the auctioneer, if dishonest, can run your bid up to make you pay more. Plus, I enjoy live auctions. So I would just like to say to the dream version of my brother Phil, that was a dumb idea.

Speaking of dreams I came up with this theory. Have you ever had a memory that you weren't sure was real? Was it a dream or did that really happen? Well, next time that occurs ask yourself this simple question, "In this memory was I wearing pants." If the answer is no than it was probably a dream.


*Left Bid- A left bid is a bid written down and given to the auctioneer when a person cannot physically attend an auction. The auctioneer then is supposed to bid for you against the live bidders.

...or die trying

I just can't seem to figure this thing out. I'm not used to that. Teaching, leading, watching, moderating... 5th and 6th grade Thrive may kill me. And the thing is I've taught these grades before. I used to have a class of 12 every week, by myself. The thing I don't understand is what I need to be doing differently. It's not that the kids aren't having fun because I'm pretty sure most of them are. The problem is almost nothing that I plan works correctly. Tonight for instance. I got there tonight and immediately had to relocate the entire classroom. During the coarse of the night I realized that there was no air in my room, no trash can, no pens, no paper towels, and no cups. Kind of reminded me of when I first moved out of my parents house into my own apartment and realized I didn't have toilette paper. Don't ask. Then the PS2 that I brought wouldn't work. So, we played a game (the non-video type). Problem is, the kids kept cheating so we had to quit. The blindfolded relay race worked, kind of. It took about 10 times longer than I expected but it did work. The snacks kind of worked except we had no cups. One of the kids located some bottled water for us because like I said, there's no air up there and it is really, really hot. The quiz worksheets worked. They worked last week too so I know those are a keeper. The class discussion worked for the most part. I had good notes to use but I just couldn't figure out how to use them. So, anyhow, I'm an optimist, I'll get this thing running smoothly or die trying. Next week I will try something different. If however I do die trying, set my body in the foyer as a warning to anyone planning on having kids.

Ps. No your kid's not being bad at Thrive.

Há alguém aqui que fala inglês?

Have you ever been to a party where you didn't know anyone? That doesn't happen to me very often. Last night however, I went to a party where I encountered something of a similar nature. I went to a party where I couldn't understand anyone. Everything was in Portuguese. Now, this shouldn't have been a surprise considering it was a Brazilian party. Side note, I think I would like Brazilian music a lot better if it were in English. (But then again I guess it wouldn't be Brazilian if it weren't in Portuguese. I regress.) Luckily for me as the night progressed the conversations and music gradually transitioned from Portuguese into English. (I think that transition happened because American guys realized there was a party full of Brazilian girls going on). This party had a lot of two things, dancing Brazilian girls and steak. I have one distinct memory that combines these two things. I was looking over at the grill where there was a hot steak waiting to be eaten. In front of the grill was a rather attractive girl dancing. As I sat there I kept thinking to myself, "She's blocking the steak. Ok, move a little to the right. Ok, good now, oh no she's back in front of the steak." I didn't want to push her out of the way but that was some good steak. Side note number two, quite a few people at the party thought I looked like this guy. Huh, who knew, I look Brazilian.


Há alguém aqui que fala inglês?
Yes

This Weeks Service - Two Tumbs Up, Two Thumbs Down

Let me first preface this blog by saying I thought this weeks service at VWS was fantastic. However, I had a friend with me today who had a slightly different opinion. His name is Michael and he has been living on this planet for four years now. Before that he didn't exist because he is only four years old. I warned him that he probably wouldn't enjoy the service but he insisted. After the first song he looked up at me and said, "That was a good song, I liked it." But as soon as the second song started he looked back up and said with a look of dismay, "Another song?" After the third song he wanted to know if we were going to sing forever. Finally all of the songs were over and he asked "Are we going to watch a movie now?" When I told him that some guy was going to talk to us now he wasn't thrilled. During the short video clip he kept asking, "What's funny, what are you laughing at?" Eventually Michael fell asleep.

I know a guy who once told me that he thought that we were doing church incorrectly. Everyone should be in the same service he said. Separating the parents and the children is the wrong way to do things. I told him, "Ok, I guess we will just have to eliminate adult church and all the adults can come to kids church." Ryan, Jon, I give today's service two thumbs up. Unfortunately my rating is negated by Michael's two thumbs down. Better luck next week.

How to Live to be over 100

Today I had a revelation. I was walking through the grocery store when I noticed a couple of old ladies doing their shopping. The first lady must have been in her 70s and the other her 80s.

"No, not that one. Get the big pack." The 80 year old said to her friend. After all, who wants a 12 pack of beer when you can get a 30 pack. As I walked away the 70 year old was putting the 30 pack in the cart while her older friend picked out the ice cream. Today, I discovered the secret of living a long life.

1) EAT WHAT YOU WANT: Sure, you can eat all the right foods but that's no fun. "Gertrude Baines... lived to be the world's oldest person (115) on a steady diet of crispy bacon, fried chicken and ice cream." Maria de Jesus (115) also loved eating ice cream and quite enjoyed Portuguese pudding. Mitoyo Kawate (114) was know for her love of custard. Mrs. Beaterman, the lady who lived in my basement as a kid (it was an apartment) lived to be 103, her favorite food, peppermints. I can still remember eating ice cream with my great grandmother who lived to be 100. Jeanne Calment lived to be 122 eating two pounds of chocolate a week. And why not, chocolate is delicious. Sarah DeRemer Knauss née Clark (119) would agree listing eating chocolate turtles and potato chips as one of her passions. Hendrikje van Andel-Schipper (115) gave this advice for living a long life, "keep breathing and eat pickled herring." Susie Gibson ate at O'Charlies every week until she was 115. Sure, some really old people eat healthy and that's ok too. The key is, they enjoy what they eat. Eating shouldn't be stressful. Food should be enjoyed. If not than your doing it wrong.

2) KEEP ACTIVE: You don't have to exercise, you just have to keep moving. Clemet (122) took up fencing at 88 and rode her bike until she was 100. She was however "neither athletic, nor fanatical about her health." She just kept moving. The famous comedian George Burns who died at the age of 100 walked a mile a day. Hendrikje (115) was quoted as saying that along with eating pickled herring every day you "must remain active." Even at 114 Yone Minagawa was still dancing in her wheel chair. Keep moving.

3) BE POSSITIVE: Pessimist die young. Just ask one, they'll tell you. Emiliano Mercado del Toro (115) said that his secret to long life was his sense of humor. Camille Loiseau (114) "was known right to the end of her life for her humor and flirtatiousness." Geroge Burns (100) put it this way, "If you ask me what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it’ s avoiding worry, stress, and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it. Worry, stress, and tension are not only unpleasant but can shorten your life. My attitude is, if something is beyond your control, there is no point worrying about it. And if you can do something about it, then there is still nothing to worry about. " So, smile, tell a joke and enjoy life.

4) WIN THE LOTTERY: Ok, not the state lottery. That kills most people. I'm talking about the genetic lottery. Let's face it. Most of you won't live to be 100 because it's just not in your genes. If everyone related to you died at 53 than you had better make the best of your short life. I will however be living to be well over 100 and I will be eating bacon and ice cream all the way there.

Thats Not very Bachelor of You

PART I
So bought a minivan. I have to admit, a mini van was not on my short list of desired vehicles. A motorcycle, yes, a small pickup truck, yes, a mini van, not so much. In case your not the observant type, single guys don't normally drive mini vans. If I was a soccer mom with 4 kids I would a shoe in for the minivan club. I would get decals with my kids names on them and bumper stickers proclaiming how much smarter my kids are than yours. I'm not a soccer mom though, I'm a bachelor and mini vans are not conducive to the bachelor life style. Luckily for me I have no idea what that life style is.

I've been shoving 6-8 kids in my Dodge Neon every week for church. The car is only made to fit 5 so that's a bit of a stretch. If it was up to the kids we would probably have 10 kids in the car and two in the trunk. I should clarify who these kids are. A lot of people get confused and think that I have somehow fathered an entire village. The kids are my neighbors. They call me their uncle, a title I haply accept. Yea, I got a minivan. I guess somethings in life are more important than looking cool.

PART II
I found the minivan on craigslist. It's a 1998 Mercury Villager and blue books for $2,925. The guy was asking $1,800 but had just dropped the price to $1,400. I talked him down to $1,300. He was leaving the country and needed the cash. (Side story, he had prayed that morning that the vehicle would hurry up and sell. As an act of faith he tithed $130 that morning. He is a music guy at the big Vineyard so we have mutual friends. Somehow he knows these two guys. When I told him my name he said that he recognized it. He wasn't sure how or why but somehow he knew who I was. My guess he reads this guys blog) The vehicle has automatic everything. The drivers seat can adjust in 4 different ways. The van will be my second vehicle. I will continue to drive my Neon during the week. I will drive the van when I go to church, need to haul stuff around and when I am cruzzin the streets looking for single soccer moms.

Like taking Ice Cream from a Baby

I would never play a game of chicken because I would kill you and me both. I don't bluff. If I say that I'm going going to hit you in a head on collision unless you move, you had better move. And if I say that I'm going to eat your ice cream, I'm going to eat your ice cream. I don't care if your only 3. Yep, I ate a 3 year old's UDF ice cream sunday tonight and it was good. It was brownie, chocolate fudge, whipped cream, with a cherry on top. After getting her the Sunday of her choice she decided that she wanted flaming hots instead. Problem is, that was not one of the options. So, I made her a deal, she could eat her sunday or I could eat her sunday. Every few bites I would show her how much ice cream was left and invite her to have a seat and eat the rest. She laid on the floor and wined that I was eating all her ice cream and guess what, I was and it was good. She ate the cherry and I ate the rest. I don't bluff.

I know People (and you should too)

I know a lot of people, probably a thousand or two or three (I'm just making those numbers up) For Christmas one year my sister bought me a shirt that said "People know me" because she said it was fitting. Her theory is that if everyone in Cincinnati either knows me or knows someone who knows me (That's her theory not mine). My mom said if she had something strange about her (referring to my hair) people would remember her too. My mom's obviously the caring sensitive type. (She later partially recanted that statement when she realized it was mean and only partially true) I enjoy knowing tons of people. It's very handy at parties. Today I had a friend who wanted to introduce me to his pastor. He did and guess what his pastor said? "We've met before." Tonight I went to pick up something that I bought off of eBay and ended up talking to the sellers for over an hour. As it turns out I met the guys brother last week when I bought some paintings off of him.

Ok, so now I bet your wondering, "How can I know lots of people?" I'm glad you asked. I've written the following set of instructions just for you.

1) Talk to strangers.
2) Repeat step one lots and lots of times.

See, that was easy. Now you can say things like, "I know a guy who knows Shaq," or "I once met the guy who holds the world record for selling the world's most expensive poker chip." Now go out there and meet some strangers.

My First Football Game - Playing with Numbers

So I went to my first professional football game last night. Come to think of it, that would make this my first football game period. I have come to the conclusion that professional football is 95% hype. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it and had fun. My favorite part was the marching band at halftime. I also enjoyed watching the guy that was sitting in front of me. Every time the Bengals made a good play (a rare occasion) he would stand up and do the Incredible Hulk pose. He looked like he was going to go into coronary arrest. I also enjoyed the fireworks at the beginning, watching the smoke billowing from somewhere outside the stadium (I think someone torched a car) and the excitement when that one player ran real far with the ball. I don't know who he was or exactly what he did but I stood up to watch. Ok, let's have some fun with numbers.

- The minimum wage for a rookie in the NFL is $285,000 ($14,250 per game)

- The average wage for a professional cheerleader in the NFL is $50 per game
- There are on average 24 cheerleaders performing for the entire game.
- So... an NFL rookie earns approximately 1200% more per game than all 24 cheerleaders combined.

- A bottle of water a Bengals game costs $4.25 (25 cents per ounce)

- A gallon of gas cost $2.50 per gallon (2 cents per ounce)

- So... bottle of water at a Bengals game cost 1250% more than gasoline.

- The average parking space within one mile of the stadium is $25 per day

- The average size of a parking space is 180sq ft

- The average size apartment is 1,050sq ft

- The average cost of an apartment (in Cincinnati) is $550 per month

- The avereage parking space at a Bengals game cost 832% more than the average apartment.

- I was at the football game

- My brother was at the same football game

- Each of us did not know where the other one was sitting nor did we go looking.

- We ran into each other after the first quarter.

- There were approximately 45,000 people there.

- I actually don't know what the chances of this one are.

- The Bengals are a professional football team.

- Chances of them performing like one this season, unlikely.

Color Theory 101

Betsy Ross never took a class in color theory but even she knew that you don't put blue on red. That's why she put all of those white stripes there. You've got to keep them separated. Here we are, over 200 years later, and for some reason people still insist that blue looks good on red. Unlike Betsy (and my customers), I did take a class in color theory. I also have years of experience in graphic design along with two degrees (yea, just Associates). And you know what, blue does not look good on red, or vice-versa. I can't even count the times people insist that blue will look good on red, or yellow will read well on white or even the occasional orange and red combo. These are bad choices people. Why won't you believe me? Please for the love of God people, stop butchering my designs with your terrible color combinations.

Weeble Wobble is Not an Insult (in my mind)

I must admit, I once told a pregnant friend that she looked like Buddha. In my defense she was sitting cross legged and smiling. Ok, I have the feeling that I'm not helping my case here. You see the problem is I think much differently than most people. Ok, so that's not the entire problem. The second part of the problem is I also speak portions of my mind that most people know to keep to themselves. I've been known to tell pregnant women that they look like weeble wobbles or are looking a bit lopsided. In fact, I may or may not have said one of those two things as recently as this week.

Ok, before I get beaten down my a mob of angry mothers, let me try to explain the inner workings of my brain. Try to understand that even though this may not be logical to you, in my mind it makes perfect sense. In my mind telling a pregnant women that she looks large is not meant to be an insult. Never in my life have I told a women that she looks fat (my sisters excluded). In my mind large is not the same as fat. I am merely pointing out that she looks like she is about to have a baby. Having a baby is a beautiful thing. Well, maybe not the act of having a baby, that's kind of gross and bloody and usually the baby looks all pruney and cross eyed. But, after a week or two, having a baby turns into a beautiful thing. So I say, be proud of your watermelon shaped protrusion because soon it will be gone and in its place you will have a tiny, pruney cross eyed human that will eventually turn into a cute baby. Weeble wobble is not an insult.

All that being said, I here by resolve to cease making unsolicited comments about the physique of my pregnant friends.

and Now you know, Beer is not a Food

I just bought a book called Essential Lessons in Human Physiology and Hygiene for Schools, printed in 1898. I found it in a bin of books at the thrift store. It cost me 25 cents. Along with the great illustrations, here are the things that I've learned:

1) Wine is not a Food
2) Beer is not a Food
3) There is no alcohol in well baked bread
4) All tobacco users, especially chewers, are great spitters, and in this way they waste much saliva.
5) The skin consists of two layers.
6) A cold bath may be taken every day, if no chill follows. Everyone should take a warm bath at least once a week.
7) Wait 2 to 3 hours after a meal to take a warm bath or 3 to 5 minute for a cold bath.
8) Give the scalp a thorough washing and rubbing at least once a week.
9) The brain of an idiot is usually small and imperfectly developed.

List of 100 life goals number 42

List of 100 life goals number42: Preach in home church. CHECK

Over the weekend I got the opportunity to teach/preach at the three weekend services at my home church, Vineyard Westside. When I was writing my list of life goals earlier this year I reluctantly put this on the list. I wasn't reluctant to put it on there because I didn't want to do it, or I was afraid to do it. Because I did and I wasn't. The reason I was reluctant is that this was one of those goals that was for the most part out of my hands. I like to set goals that I know I can accomplish on my own. This one was for the most part up to God and the church leadership. Well, God said yes to goal number 42 and I preached the three weekend services. It was awesome. I really enjoyed it. If you missed it and have some free time here is the podcast
http://vineyardwestside.com/2009/08/podcast-peace-dan-thoms/

Old Lady with a Mowhawk

Have you ever seen an old lady with a mowhawk, a homeless man with a louis vuitton purse, a baby drinking a wine cooler, or a dog with pierced ears? These thing are not normal. Old ladies are normal, mowhawks aren't incredibly rare. However, seeing both togehter is bizare.

When I ride my new bike people look at me like an old lady with a mowhawk. My bike is a normal road bike and I'm a regular westsider. However, people who ride road bike usualy wear spandex shorts and pointy helmets. I wear jean shorts and a t-shirt. Two regualr things that, in most peoples minds, just don't fit. I had one guy slow down today just to look at me. Well, you can stare all you want because, as sexy as it may look, I'm not wearing spandex shorts!

This is Only a Test

I design signs for a living. It's not really to exciting but most of life isn't. Along with all of the other signs I design, I design quite a few church signs. When I design a sign it is important to put the most pertinent information the largest. Therefor when I design a church sign I like to make the pastors name small. The smaller the better. This is also an interesting test of sorts since it is usually the churches pastor who is ordering the sign. Will they ask me to increase the size of their name, and if so by how much? It may be wrong, but whenever a pastor tells me to make their name dramatically bigger, I tend to form a negative opinion about their church. What do you think?

Killing the Introvert Within

I've said this before but I am an introvert. And I'm not just borderline introverted. The last test I took put me at somewhere over 70%. That being the case, I generally avoid situations that force me to be surrounded by strangers. I think the perfect ratio for a crowd is 75% friends, 25% strangers. That being said, going to a party at a strangers house where I only know 2 people would normally be out of the question. That just sounds uncomfortable. However, in an effort to kill the introvert within, Saturday, I did just the opposite of my first inclination. (that's what George Costanza would do) I went to a party at a strangers house where I only knew two people. (I should also mention that I only have physically talked to those two people one time and mostly know them from facebook)

I gave myself a pep talk on my way there. I said, "you will be fun, you will be outgoing, you will be extroverted." And you know what, I had fun. And why shouldn't I, I'm a fun guy. Although one girl did imply that I was boring. She couldn't have been serious though. It was probably the Bud Lite talking. I am not boring. Talking is one of my skill sets.

Afterwords I analyzed myself and this is what I found.
1) I tend to find a place at a party and stay there. I'm not much for walking around and trying to meet new people. I prefer people to come to me.
2) I have nervous habits that included needing to hold a beverage or eating chips during awkward pauses. I drink when I'm don't know what to do so I guess it's a good think I'm not an alcoholic.
3) It takes me about an hour to become talkative.
4) I don't speak Portuguese or Spanish.
5) A 14 to 1 ratio of girls to guys at a table isn't so bad.
6) I have no sense of time and will stay at a party until 2am talking to people who used to be strangers.
7) I like strangers.

And now for some more Brazilian facts.
1) Brazilians shower at least once and often twice a day unlike Americans who are dirty.
2) I Brazil the bacon is not nearly as good as it is in America.
3) A caipira is the Brazilian equivalent of the American redneck.
4) In Brazil people generally don't come home from the clubs until after 6am.

The Dream

Last night I had a dream, an odd dream. As soon as the dream ended I woke up and thought to myself, "Perhaps I should write this down." But, I was tired and decided that if the dream was of any importance I would remember it in the morning. And I did. Here is the dream.

Scene 1: I find myself in a large room, a basketball court, a gym. As I later discovered it was a church's gym. Next to me stands a small boy and in front of me is a crowd of teenagers, or perhaps they were kids. I'm not sure. The one thing I am sure of is they were angry and they were violent. They wanted to kill the kid that was standing next to me. I pleaded with them that this was wrong, that they should just leave the kid alone. I stepped in front of the kid but it was no good. There were too many of them. They pushed me out of the way and attacked the kid. Throwing him to the ground they kicked him in his side, beating him mercilessly until he was dead.

Scene 2: It's the next day and I find myself in the same church. This time I'm in a smaller room, most likely a Sunday School room that comes off of a longer hallway. My sister Faith is there and I'm telling her what I saw and asking if I should tell someone. She is apparently more logical than I am and says yes. We walk down the hall and into the church entrance way. I can see people in the auditorium and I'm not sure if church was just starting on ending. I find my father and tell him what I saw. He suggest I tell one of the pastors but since they are not available I tell the person handing out the flyers, she is related to the pastors and that somehow makes her in charge. I pull her aside and tell her what had happened. "I think it happened here, here at the church, I think. " I tell her. I'm visibly upset and a bit disoriented.

Scene 3: I'm in a white van, my father is driving. We are in a caravan of 3 white vans. The other two are in front of us, the one in the very front being different than the others. As we pull up to a small house I look out the window and see 12 white donkeys standing in two rows, staggered inward. They look ghostly. It scares me and I turn my head but when I look back they are gone. I don't remember counting the donkeys but for some reason when I wake up I think that there were 12. The next thing I know we are in the house and something happens. I see something. Maybe a ghost. I'm not sure. I can't remember anything after this point. I can't remember what happens inside the house.

So, what does it mean? Why did I have this dream? Why 12 white donkeys? Why was that kid beaten to death at church? What happened in the house? Any ideas?

Existence - Predestined or Not

Would I exist had my parents never met? Biologically I am a combination of both of their genes but are we related spiritually? Do my soul and spirit share their spiritual DNA? Would my spirit exist in another body had they never found each other? Was I destined to exist one way or another or was this the only way?

I think about these things when I hear people who had premarital sex and in turn have a child say things like, "But it if had not been for them I never would have had my baby." Perhaps they wouldn't have had that baby but would that person have existed anyways, somewhere, somehow. Perhaps not. Maybe it doesn't matter. I don't know. What do you think?

Not just a Survivor

Two. That's the number of times I've sent audition videos in to Survivor. I used to be a huge fan. In the course of over 10 years I rarely missed a show. I wanted so badly to be on that show. And after every season a good number of the props would go up for auction on eBay (another one of my favorite things.) Unfortunately for me, the prices that the props brought were always outrageous. Today, however, I finally bought some. A guy on craigslist sold me props that he had previously paid over $1,700 for for $100. That's what you call depreciation.

Can you believe that God baited me with Survivor props? He did and that's how I met Bob, at least that's what we are going to call him in this blog. Bob was 50 years old, overweight, a slow talker with glassy eyes and Bob wanted to talk, so we talked. Some people have no one to talk to. I have the feeling that a lot of people have given up on Bob. Most people probably consider him to be a lost cause. Bob was selling all of his stuff because he was being foreclosed on and had no where to go. He hadn't paid his mortgage in months and the IRS was after him for back taxes. He had spent all of the money that he had and all of the money that he didn't have. Cash advances, credit cards, bank accounts, all exhausted. $250,000 spent on crack. He told me that he wasn't smoking crack anymore but was now addicted to prescription drugs. He had taken so many for so long they didn't do much for him anymore. In fact, he had taken some a few hours ago. On top of his drug problems he had mental issues, suffered from depression, and had physical problems. I could hear the hopelessness in every word. He said that when he ran out of money he would probably end up overdosing and that would be the end of him. He would have no money and he would have no home so what was the point?

Bob needed someone to listen. He also needed someone to encourage him and at that moment in time, that person was me. I told him that there is hope and that no matter how bad he thinks his life is, no matter how little he ends up having, there were people in the world who are much worse off than him. I told him about the kids that I had met in India, homeless and like him, drug addicted. I told him about the happy families that lived in houses smaller than his garage. He told me that he didn't think he would live until he was 30 and now that he was 50 but he was certain that he couldn't possibly live much longer. I told him he was wrong the first time and perhaps he would be saying the same thing at 75.

"You can make it," I said.
"You think," he replied.
"Absolutely."

Say a prayer for Bob (even though that's not his real name God will know who your talking about.) I invited him to church and you never know. He could come. In God's eyes there's no such thing as a lost cause.

Your so old that...

I just want to apologize for this post in advance. I went to a concert and fireworks at the park tonight and spent a lot of time thinking of old jokes. I really do love old people.

They announced from the stage that Green Township was celebrating their 200th anniversary this year. I'm pretty sure that some of the folks in the audience were founding members. I couldn't help but to wonder how all of these people were going to stay up late enough to watch fireworks. Somewhere there's a nursing home with a full staff being paid time and a half to take care of no one. Seriously though, there were a lot of single chicks there. Strangely they all had the same nickname, Great Grandma. If you like short term relationships than this was the perfect place to pick up chicks. Pretty much any relationship is a short term when your that old. Some of them were pretty lively though. I saw a few dancing or as I heard one man quip, "Getting his moneys worth from his new hips." They had a pharmacist working the beer booth . The last think you want at a concert is for half of your audience to go into cardiac arrest from a bad reaction between their medication and alcohol. If I was more of an entrepreneur I would have rented two booths. The first one would have sold old fashioned salt water taffy, the second one, denture cream. There was a cover band playing oldies for a lot of the time. Or as the guy behind me called it, "the devils music." I tend to agree.

Capture Cincinnati

So I have a lot of friends who are great photographers and have fancy digital SLR cameras and lens (some of which cost slightly more than my car). I however have a Fujifilm Finepix J10. That's right, give it up for the point and shoot. My cameras two best features are it fits in my pocket and I wrote it off on my taxes. Anyhow, Capture Cincinnati is a book of Cincinnatis best photography. To get in the book you need votes. So, after looking through my pictures, and doing exstensive color correction in Photoshop, I entered a few. So, if you feel so inclined, vote for one or two at this link.
http://www.capturecincinnati.com/people/danthoms

If not, here are the pictures for your enjoyment.

Why the h*** did you go and do that for?

Have you ever heard or participated in a conversation that just made you say huh? Tonight I had the pleasure of hearing one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time. First a little background. For those of you who know me you know that I take my neighbors munchkins to kids church every week. Well, their oldest sister Nicole just graduated from high school so she was having a graduation party tonight. I went, it was fun. Here are the characters involved in this conversation, Nicole's Grandpa, Grandpa's Mother (Great Grandma), and Nicole's aunt. Got that, here we go.

Grandpa: I work with a guy who has a ton of tattoos. He has them up his arms, his neck, and his face has a bunch of piercings, all over.
Aunt: What about your piercing dad?
Great Grandma: Whaaaat?
Grandpa: I told you, right?
Great Grandma: No, what are you talking about?
Aunts: (laughter)
Aunt: You never told your mom about your piercing? Tell her.
Grandpa: I have my nipple pierced?
Great Grandma: What?
Aunt: Grandma, he has his nipple pierced.
Great Grandma: What? Are you kidding with me? Are you pulling a trick on me?
Aunt: No it's true, he shows it to everyone, show her?
Grandpa: No I don't want to show her. Yea it's true, I have my nipple pierced. It's right here. (pats chest)
Great Grandma: Why the h*** did you go and do something like that for? You hate pain.
Grandpa: Well she has all kinds of piercings (pointing to his daughter) so I figured, hey why not.
Great Grandma: When did you go and get that done?
Grandpa: I've had it for about 5 years I think.
Aunt: Uh oh, dad's in trouble. (lots and lots of laughter)

Happy Fathers Day

When I was at the store looking for a Fathers Day card, the lady next to me said she wanted one that said, "Thanks for nothing mother f****r." I told her she may have to make that one herself. She said it would require too much effort. She bought a different one instead.

I'm glad I have an awesome dad who continues to give me reasons to be thankful. Happy Fathers Day everyone.

I'm a Gambler?

Did you know that there are 13.2 million uninsured young adults in America? This is a crisis. The government has to do something about this. How can anyone possibly live without health insurance? Hi, my name's Dan and I don't have health insurance. The thing is, I don't want health insurance.

Let's look at this logically. Life is risk vs. benefit. Life is a gamble. Health insurance is a business, not a charitable organization there to help. When you pay your health insurance bill they are running a risk vs benefits analysis of your situation. They are betting that you will not use your insurance enough to make it unprofitable for them and you are betting that you will. The insurance company is betting that you will not get sick and you are betting that you will. The only way to win is to get sick or have an accident.

This brings us to universal health care, or forcing everyone to buy health insurance. I heard an advocate say that the only way to get insurance prices down was to force young people to carry health insurance. They stated that currently only the old and the sick are buying insurance which drives the prices up. If young, healthy people also bought it that would bring the average price down. Well no kidding. Forcing people to buy a service that they won't use will bring the average price down? That sounds logical. The only problem is your FORCING PEOPLE TO BUY SOMETHING THEY WON'T USE. Am I the only one who sees a problem with this logic?

END OF RANT

Welcome to Your Funeral

If you died today how many people would take an unpaid day from work to go to your funeral? I think about these things. If your answer is 5% of your facebook friends than perhaps your not living your life to its full potential. I like to think (rather its true or not) that they would have to rent out an auditorium to hold all of my mourners. I like to think that the city of Cincinnati's economy would suffer that day because everyone would be to busy crying. What would your eulogy sound like? Would the speaker have to fabricate positive qualities or would they have to give him a time limit because he had so many nice things to say? Did you impact anyone life this week? Is the world a better place because your here. Is the way that your living today worth celebrating tomorrow? What would your funeral look like?

Perspective

Perspective is a beautiful thing. I've been in church for 28 years so I've heard every reason why people "can't make it" to church. All so often "can't make it" translates into "don't want to make it" and to me that's sad. A week or two ago Pastor Jim found something out about a couple of the kids who attend the Vineyard Westside's kids church. He found out that they walk to church. Ok, so a lot of people walk. The thing is, these kids don't live that close to the church. It takes them an hour of walking to get there. Not only do they walk an hour, they are consistently early. They attend the early service, are early for it, and they walk an hour to get there. I think that helps to put the "I can't make it" attitude into perspective. So, "can you" make it this week?

(The kids in this story don't have to walk anymore. Pastor Jim picks them up.)

Moment by Moment

I'm the oldest of five kids. Ok, that statement isn't 100% factual. There are five of us siblings but only one is still a kid (no its not me). Only one is still a minor, its strange to think about. Some times my life feels like a bit of a blur. One of my little sisters got married last week and the other one is getting married within a month. Didn't they just graduate from high school, grade school, learn to walk? How is it that we all grew up so fast? Even though I'm aging moment by moment I never feel any older. I guess it's all of those moments. They come and go so quickly and before you know it your all grown up. I used to live in a big house full of people. But that was moments ago. Now most of them have moved out to start their own adult lives. I used to share bunk beds with some kid but now I only see him once a week at the most. There used to be a lady who made me dinner. Now I have a microwave. I still visit her though. There used to be this man who would drive me places. Now, occasionally he'll help me pick up a piece of furniture from an auction. There used to be these 3 little brats who played with barbies. No more barbies. So many moments, all them gone, all of them still waiting to happen. Life happens one moment at a time.

Do you know Frank? (the answer is no)

You don't know Frank. If you think that you that you know Frank than your probably wrong because I don't think you do. Unlike you, I do know Frank. Frank is 82 years old (as he pointed out he is the opposite age of me 28). I know Frank from estate auctions. I've been going to auctions for 10 years and he has been going for, well, a lot longer than that. Frank and I talk a lot at auctions. 99% of the stuff sold is of no interest to either of us. Here is the story that he told me today.

"After the war I stayed in Japan for a while rebuilding stuff. I was in charge of 50 men. Every morning I would got to the Japaneses prison camp and pick 50 guys. They would all come out and stand in perfect lines and I would pick the ones I wanted. We had guards but we didn't even really need them. These were trustworthy guys. Some of them were just kids. You know the Japanese had kids fighting for them? They always wanted me to pick them for my group. You know why? Because they knew that I went fishin. Yep, every night I would steal a duck. You know what a duck is? It's one of those vehicles that can go on land or water. I don't know how they didn't hear me stealing that thing every night. It was huge, and loud. They had to have known. Anyhow, I would always take a few of the prisoners with me. We would take that thing out on the lake and throw in a stick of dynamite. Then, the guys would all jump out and get the fish. The dynamite usually killed the fish and they would float to the top. If their bladder bursts they start to sink so you have to be quick. We started off just using one stick but after a while we got up to using a whole case every night. We got a lot of fish that way. Those guys would be throwing fish up in the boat left and right. It was good fish."

Cultural Differences

After talking to a couple of Brazilian girls I have discovered a few things. Here are my findings.

- In Brazil they speak Portuguese, not Brazilian or Spanish. In fact, there's no such language as Brazilian. (Portuguese is very close to Spanish though)
- Men do not get Brazilian waxing done, not even in Brazil. Well, perhaps gay men do but not straight men.
- In Brazil all of the women are beautiful. That's great for the guys who live there but not so great for the girls.
- Brazilian men are not to be trusted. American men are, well, no real difference there.
- In America everyone farts and belches whenever they like and all they have to do is say excuse me. In Brazil if you fart in public you will turn red and apologize. No one farts in public in Brazil.
- In Brazil a guy can live in his parents house is entire life and no one thinks that's strange. In America if a guy does that people think that there must be something wrong with him. (side note: My parents would not do well living in Brazil.)
- In Brazil people don't get married until their early 30s. In America your considered an old maid at 24. (This has led me to believe that I am in fact of Brazilian decent and not German like I had previously thought)

Vai chover?

Your Doing it Wrong!

Have you ever discovered that your doing something wrong? If you said no your lying. (either that or your God, a big shout out to God if he is reading my blog) I regress, have you ever discovered that your doing something incorrectly that you've been doing for a long period of time, like say your entire life? A few days ago I came to the realization that I may be walking incorrectly. I'm using both feet and I'm not dragging my knuckles so that part is correct. I do however have a tenancy to walk more on the sole of my foot and put almost no weight on the ball. When I'm standing still, more often than not, I stand only on the front part of my foot. It's almost like I'm always standing on my toes to get a better look at life. Its quite strange. So, I've been attempting to retrain myself to stand like a normal human being. Will it work? We shall see.

Why Do I Doubt?

It's very strange. I pray for things to happen and when they do my mind turns towards the physical and denies the supernatural. Perhaps it was just a coincidence, there's a logical explanation. I can always think of a logical explanation. The situation that comes to mind happened yesterday. For those of you who are unfamiliar with graphic design, let me give you a little bit of context for this miracle. In Photoshop you work with layers. Think of a bunch of transparencies with a different drawing on each one. When you put them all together you get a complete picture. Now, if you flatten an image in Photoshop you combine all of those layers into just one layer. Once you save that file your layers are lost forever. I flattened my image and I saved it and then realized that I needed to edit a layer. This is a terrible thing. I prayed that God would unflatten my image and wallah it was unflattened. I don't know how this happened but it did. So why is it that I try to explain this away? Why not just accept it at face value. It's a computer age miracle. God healed my file. Thanks God.

Even More Random Thoghts

- How come the fairy god mother in Cinderella turned the mice into horses and the horse into a man? Why not just leave the horse as a horse? Wouldn't that have saved a step?

- Speaking of Cinderella, why did the talking, dancing, clothes wearing mice get turned into non-talking, naked, horses that can only walk in a straight line? That's a demotion if you ask me.

- I saw a license plate the other day that said "Tax." Having a license plate like that is a good way to get your head lights busted out and your car keyed.

- If you drink two pints of water in a water drinking contest with your sister and then take a 30 minute trip in your car, you will be in a tremendous amount of pain and you will pray to God for the sweat taste of death.

- If all girls are princesses than that's not really much of a title now is it?

- Did I mention that my new stupid goal is to drink an entire pitcher of water without taking a breath in less than 30 seconds.

- At work the other day we had a customer that was really rude to our CSR. The next time he came in we discovered that he was a pastor and I found myself uttering the words, "What kind of Christian is he?" The lesson here, Christians shouldn't act like jerks.

- In Cincinnati pigs fly, in Ohio Swine flue. (Clever huh?)

- I heard the list of things to do in order to prevent getting the swine flue.
1) Wash your hands.
2) Cover your mouth when you sneeze
3) Don't go to work if your sick
4) Don't kiss Mexican pigs

- Have you ever closed your eyes and then wondered which direction your eyeballs were facing? That's kept me awake before. I just can't stand the thought of my eyes rolled back in my head while I'm sleeping.

You can't eat Sandals

I had the following conversation with a 3 and a 4 year old on our way home from church today. I can't remember who said what but it went something like this.

Me: Do you girls want to go to Biggs and get some free samples.
Little Girl: Yea, I like sandals.
Me: No not sandals, samples.
Little Girl: I have sandals at home.
Me: No not sandals, samples. Samples are small pieces of food.
Little Girl: Do they have straps on the back of them like these?
Me: No, they aren't shoes. Samples, little pieces of food like cheese or meat.
Little Girl: I want some free sandals.
Me: No, not sandals, saaaaamples. They are food not shoes.
Little Girl: Sandals?
Me: Saaaaaaamples
Little Girl: Samples? Oh ok, yea is it nasty food or good.
Me: Um, both.

Ok, so it seemed that all three of us were on the same page at this point. That is until after we left the store and the three year old looked at me with a disappointed look on her face and said, "We didn't get any sandals." Oh boy, here we go again.

Zip Code: 90210

I enjoy meeting new people. Waiting in line at the post office has, in the past, proven to be a great spot for that. If, however, I don't happen to converse with a stranger eavesdropping on their conversation is the next best thing. The other day I was behind a couple of good ol' boys. Both of them spoke with a bit of a country twang, "You know, you would think they would have pens to use at a post office." The one began. You know, it's amazing to watch a conversation evolve from pens into, tvs, whats made in America, motorcycles, death, music, and then finally the cds that he was at the post office to mail. "Look at this, I'm mailing these cds to my daughter in 90210. Isn't that somethin else? When she was a kid taking dance lessons we never gave it much thought."

Let's pause here for just a second. Hearing the zip code 90210 conjures up images from that terrible 90's tv show by the same name. I couldn't help but to think, "Are there any cheap houses in that zip code?" I saw the mans envelope and sure enough, it said Beverly Hills, 90210.

Now, back to the story. "Yea, my daughter called me the other day and said hey why don't ya put the bike in storage and I'll fly you out to LA. I told her I'm takin the bike. I'll see ya in 3 days." And then, it was that fellows turn to mail his envelope. It was like a cliff hanger. Who is this mans daughter. As he was leaving he turned around, as if he just realized what I was thinking and said, "Yea, my daughter is Carmen Electra."

Easter Weekend - Chainsaw Editon

Ok, here is the weekend rundown. Kids, Skyline, Church, Breakfast, Kids, More Kids, Family, Dinner, Chainsaw, Money. In short, I loved Easter weekend.

It all started with a car full of kids (6) and free Skyline chili at the church. How awesome is that? And if you think that's fantastic, I woke up the next morning, got some more kids, and ate free breakfast at church. Bacon, they had bacon people, free bacon. Leading kids church was amazing. I love leading kids church every week no matter how many kids there are. This week though the room was packed and the kids were extra excited. There were so many new faces. I hope and pray that all of those kids get to come back. Kid's aren't just the future, kids are important right now. I believe that with everything in me. I know there had to have been a couple hundred kids there this weekend. Those kids can change the world. Sorry, let me get off of my soapbox.

After church I went to my parents house and spent Easter with my family. Food, theological debate, scrabble (I won, no wait I lost), ham, jokes (I told them my improved Mary goes to heaven joke), candy, ham, dumb conversations that sound like they are off of a TV sitcom (these dumb Seinfeldesk conversations are commonplace with my family), ham and a chainsaw. Ah, so you want to know about the chainsaw? My dad convinced me to climb a 30 foot extension ladder with a chainsaw and cut off some branches. Oh, and by brother and me made a huge sale on eBay. Anyhow, good times folks, good times.

Mary Mother of Jesus Goes to Heaven - A JOKE

Ok, I wrote this joke yesterday. If your not Catholic or don't have some basic knowledge of Catholic doctrine than this probably won't be funny. I've included a link that you can click on if you don't get the joke.

Mary, mother of Jesus, goes to heaven and finds hereself standing at the Pearly Gates waiting to get in.
St. Peter: Name please.
Mary: Mary, mother of Jesus
St. Peter: Hmmmm, I'm sorry, I can't let you in. According to this list your not dead yet. Tell you what, if you can tell me how you got here without dieing, I'll let you in anyways.
Mary: Um, you know, I'm not sure. My guess is that I just kind of floated up here.
St. Peter: Wow, that's quite an Assumption. Come on in.

Squeezing Money Out of Turnips

They say that you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip. That may be true but I bet my brother could find someone to buy the turnips and then you could use that money to buy some blood. Why is it that you want blood again? Sorry, I regress. Over the years I have observed my brothers uncanny ability to find and create money making opportunities.

His first large scale venture that, I can remember, was the shoes, expensive shoes, Jordans. My brother Phil had systematically eliminated the middlemen in his quest to get cheaper and cheaper base prices on "custom made Jordans." Every drug dealer and pimp in Cincinnati was giving us wads of Benjamins to get their hands on our shoes. We were the exclusive dealer in Cincinnati. We even had a kid at Westhigh slinging for us. After making a good amount of money we decided to call it quits. US customs seized one of our shipments so we took that as a sign that it was time to move on.

Our online sales ventures started even earlier when our mother made the mistake of taking us to the Goodwill surplus auction. I'm pretty sure that selling vintage video game equipment on eBay was another one of his ideas. I'm still not sure how he got an eBay account though being that he wasn't yet 18. He had his ways. As we bought and sold we learned and as we learned we made more money. Over the years we have made tens of thousands of dollars from eBay sales alone.

If you are his friend on Facebook you get to see some of his schemes forming as his status changes. An example being "Philip Richard Thoms Just picked up 582 packs of stride. Off to the dry cleaners and office depot!" Two out of three of those activities are money making schemes. Rather he's buying a thousand packs of gum, trading on craigslist, buying industrial equipment online, or recycling, you can be guaranteed of one thing, he's making money at it. My brother is recession proof.

Todays Adventure

I live in a house down by the river. Up until today though, I had never gone down to the river. I've walked the tracks a few times but to get to the river you have to climb down another rather tall wall. Today I climbed the wall and walked the banks of the Ohio. Let me just say, its no Miami beach, there is quite a bit of trash down there and the smell is questionable at best. I quite enjoyed my little adventure though. There are some awesome pieces of drift wood down there, some of which I shall drag home at a later date. The coolest thing was the giant sewer pile that I found. I know your not supposed to wonder into strange, dark places but hey, that's what I do. I also found an old ladder that at one time was attached to the side of a train car. It's 5ft tall and weighs a ton. Ok, not a ton but my postal scale says it weights 40lbs. I took it home. Walking half a mile on the tracks with a 40lb ladder do is quite exhilarating. Ha ha, I lie, my neck is killing me. It's not exhilarating at all. I put the ladder to good use though. Now I have an easy way to climb on top of my shed. Its a lovely place to just lie there and stair at the stars.

St. Patrick's Day Blog

Have you ever overheard a conversation that just made you say, "huh." Yesterday, while doing my Monday shopping at the Colerain St. Vincent De'Paul thrift shop I had a real huh moment. There were 3 teenage boys, all friends, shopping the clothes racks. One of the kids was around 6 foot tall, the other 5'11 and the third 4'11. The big fellows were apparently shopping for the little fellow. They wanted to buy him a green suit jacket. That's right folks, they wanted to dress him up as a leprechaun for St. Patrick's Day. Or, as the one fellow put it, "a St. Patrick's Day midget." They were envisioning this little guy doing "little jigs" in the hallways of their school dressed like a leprechaun. That doesn't sound politically correct. That leaves me with only one thing to say, "Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone."